Day 24
Wow. Sure I've been nodding my head reading folks like Kol and Natious, alpha360 write about ASC, but its something else to experience it. Its like: sure, I was expecting to be confident, but I wasn't expecting THAT! :D Its.. well, its no limits, its openness, its vulnerability. Dominance. I'm guessing that's what Kol meant when he said "eye contact just is", because I felt that it was just this living thing that came into existence and then was gone as the moment passed. No meaning for it really needed, or words either.
I am looking at people more again. Half of it is testing myself, but there's also just curiosity and wanting to connect a bit. If I see a hot girl on line or something I've starting to just check them out a lot more, and I'll actually become pretty aroused in 1 or 2 seconds. So there's some shame and such block that have been worked on, or that are now being ignored by the confidence focus.
One thing I've been meaning to report: I'm singing now! This is something that's always been very hard for me to do if anyone's around, but the last time I saw my girl I was singing quietly to myself every once in a while (never happened before), and today I was just doing that on the streets in the city center. No karaoke for me still, but.. yeah.
Also, I know that I've been more confrontational, but I just realized looking back that I've really put the brakes on hard at work towards this one person. Only now I realized that he is actually way my superior and the stand I've taken is so harsh that it'd be really weird if I tried to go back on it. But he is trying to make other people look bad so he wouldn't look so bad himself, so someone should point it out. Its just that usually I would've played it safe, and now there's a risk I'm wrong at something. But I am, I will be the first to admit it.
Stress levels have been through the roof these last days. Mostly I've been going through this endless loop of ASC vs. SR, but its more than that. And a lot of that, even, is probably not really about choosing subs. Anger, feeling like an animal in a cage sometimes, yes. Frustrated, like I'm going to explode at times. Neck is really tense, but I've been doing a lot of handstand push ups and such. But even with all this.. I'm not as tired as usually on the way back home from work. Even though stress is spiking at work. Weird. Maybe I'm just so wired. Only today did I feel a pretty good release in the evening.
A part of me doubts ASC as being childish in a way. As in aiming at a person who's only looking out for himself and does so at other's expense. Someone who doesn't connect with anyone. But I guess that's resistance = old beliefs, because I think I'd actually have a lot more to give. Definitely see how ASC could make you some enemies, but also how powerful it can you make you for good if you choose your company right. Interesting.
I'm still somewhat trapped inside the house. If I dropped all of this thinking and stress, reading, everything, then I'd have some time to actually do things even on days like this when I don't have any hobbies. I'm starting to get intrigued how this new-found confidence would manifest itself at the club, but I feel like I'd still be putting a great deal of pressure on myself to perform. Getting there, one way or another.
EDIT: I've never dealt with anger much before. I've always thought of myself as a very calm person. But now that someone mentioned it, I am seeing that a lot of stress is often based on anger. And of course I've always tried to ignore or resist the stress that I seem to store quite a lot of, so I guess anger has been present in some form, but repressed. So this could be important to look into.
Wow. Sure I've been nodding my head reading folks like Kol and Natious, alpha360 write about ASC, but its something else to experience it. Its like: sure, I was expecting to be confident, but I wasn't expecting THAT! :D Its.. well, its no limits, its openness, its vulnerability. Dominance. I'm guessing that's what Kol meant when he said "eye contact just is", because I felt that it was just this living thing that came into existence and then was gone as the moment passed. No meaning for it really needed, or words either.
I am looking at people more again. Half of it is testing myself, but there's also just curiosity and wanting to connect a bit. If I see a hot girl on line or something I've starting to just check them out a lot more, and I'll actually become pretty aroused in 1 or 2 seconds. So there's some shame and such block that have been worked on, or that are now being ignored by the confidence focus.
One thing I've been meaning to report: I'm singing now! This is something that's always been very hard for me to do if anyone's around, but the last time I saw my girl I was singing quietly to myself every once in a while (never happened before), and today I was just doing that on the streets in the city center. No karaoke for me still, but.. yeah.
Also, I know that I've been more confrontational, but I just realized looking back that I've really put the brakes on hard at work towards this one person. Only now I realized that he is actually way my superior and the stand I've taken is so harsh that it'd be really weird if I tried to go back on it. But he is trying to make other people look bad so he wouldn't look so bad himself, so someone should point it out. Its just that usually I would've played it safe, and now there's a risk I'm wrong at something. But I am, I will be the first to admit it.
Stress levels have been through the roof these last days. Mostly I've been going through this endless loop of ASC vs. SR, but its more than that. And a lot of that, even, is probably not really about choosing subs. Anger, feeling like an animal in a cage sometimes, yes. Frustrated, like I'm going to explode at times. Neck is really tense, but I've been doing a lot of handstand push ups and such. But even with all this.. I'm not as tired as usually on the way back home from work. Even though stress is spiking at work. Weird. Maybe I'm just so wired. Only today did I feel a pretty good release in the evening.
A part of me doubts ASC as being childish in a way. As in aiming at a person who's only looking out for himself and does so at other's expense. Someone who doesn't connect with anyone. But I guess that's resistance = old beliefs, because I think I'd actually have a lot more to give. Definitely see how ASC could make you some enemies, but also how powerful it can you make you for good if you choose your company right. Interesting.
I'm still somewhat trapped inside the house. If I dropped all of this thinking and stress, reading, everything, then I'd have some time to actually do things even on days like this when I don't have any hobbies. I'm starting to get intrigued how this new-found confidence would manifest itself at the club, but I feel like I'd still be putting a great deal of pressure on myself to perform. Getting there, one way or another.
EDIT: I've never dealt with anger much before. I've always thought of myself as a very calm person. But now that someone mentioned it, I am seeing that a lot of stress is often based on anger. And of course I've always tried to ignore or resist the stress that I seem to store quite a lot of, so I guess anger has been present in some form, but repressed. So this could be important to look into.
Thoughts, opinions and beliefs subject to change without prior notice.
