12-06-2013, 09:10 PM
Believe me, I'm feeling now more than ever the need to tackle all my inner issues head on, I really wonder if it's because of OGSF kicking in, because I haven't had this urge in the first several stages of AM5.
My biggest issue now is wanting to socializing with people but not having the impetus to do it. It's ironic for an extrovert. I love being in the center of attention (or at least acknowledged), and if someone else "steals" my spotlight so to say, my feelings of inadequacy kick in and I become anti-social. This is exactly what forced me into becoming a social hermit the last several years. I'd go to a get-together, not connect with anyone, and I'd become an aloof, anti-social prick who obviously doesn't get invited anywhere again.
It doesn't help that I live in a college town with a transient population. My closest friends from years back have all moved on, so for years I felt I was just left behind with little support base.
My roommate (who I consider to be my closest friend, and it's amazing that he's been able to remain so despite all the bullshit I put him through) is far more social than I. It always bothered me when he'd go to social functions without me, in a way it made me feel inadequate, as if I weren't worth spending with. Especially if they were work buddies, in my mind I was like "you already spend 40 hours a week with them and you want to spend even more time with them? We barely hang out as it is!".
(Honestly it makes me sick to my stomach reading that last paragraph. Was I really that pathetic?
)
So I need to get my foot out there and become more social, and if for the moment it means riding his coattails, it's what I'd have to do. Still, there's always this little resistant voice inside telling me I shouldn't do this, it's pointless, you have better things to do, you're pathetic for even considering this, etc. It's high time to nip it in the bud. I know there's a "socializing is a fun game" sub, and I may have to try it. For me, right now, socializing is work.
On the plus side, it seems now that everywhere I go people nod, smile, or try to initiate small talk. It's odd to me considering that this would never have happened as recently as March of this year.
My biggest issue now is wanting to socializing with people but not having the impetus to do it. It's ironic for an extrovert. I love being in the center of attention (or at least acknowledged), and if someone else "steals" my spotlight so to say, my feelings of inadequacy kick in and I become anti-social. This is exactly what forced me into becoming a social hermit the last several years. I'd go to a get-together, not connect with anyone, and I'd become an aloof, anti-social prick who obviously doesn't get invited anywhere again.
It doesn't help that I live in a college town with a transient population. My closest friends from years back have all moved on, so for years I felt I was just left behind with little support base.
My roommate (who I consider to be my closest friend, and it's amazing that he's been able to remain so despite all the bullshit I put him through) is far more social than I. It always bothered me when he'd go to social functions without me, in a way it made me feel inadequate, as if I weren't worth spending with. Especially if they were work buddies, in my mind I was like "you already spend 40 hours a week with them and you want to spend even more time with them? We barely hang out as it is!".
(Honestly it makes me sick to my stomach reading that last paragraph. Was I really that pathetic?
)So I need to get my foot out there and become more social, and if for the moment it means riding his coattails, it's what I'd have to do. Still, there's always this little resistant voice inside telling me I shouldn't do this, it's pointless, you have better things to do, you're pathetic for even considering this, etc. It's high time to nip it in the bud. I know there's a "socializing is a fun game" sub, and I may have to try it. For me, right now, socializing is work.
On the plus side, it seems now that everywhere I go people nod, smile, or try to initiate small talk. It's odd to me considering that this would never have happened as recently as March of this year.
