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+--- Thread: Peter's AM5 (AM6?) journal (/Thread-Peter-s-AM5-AM6-journal)
Peter's AM5 (AM6?) journal - Peter - 12-04-2013
First post here, so hello everyone. I've been lurking on this forum for several months, and I feel it's time to begin a journal of my own. I apologize if this first post is tldr; I'm a pretty verbose writer and I have a lot to talk about.
First off, thank you Shannon for developing such an excellent line of subliminals. I can honestly say they've changed my life for the better, and while I still have a lot of inner garbage that needs to be purged, count me in as a customer for life.
A bit of background about myself:
For the last several years, I've been suffering from an intense period of depression and feelings of inner-worthlessness. At its worst, my mind was literally a dark, stormy cloud, and I walked around with a perpetual scowl, leaving me completely unapproachable. I was definitely harboring suicidal thoughts, and feeling jealousy or anger towards anyone who has succeeded in things in which I have not. I became overly critical of other people, feeling that most people just weren't worth my time, but at the same time sulking because no one ever wanted to hang out with me.
It wasn't always like this. I could trace my descent back to 2009-2010. Summer '08 was the best time of my life, I was well on track to completing 3 Masters degrees, I completed consulting internships in Osaka and Cape Town (where I literally went out and partied every night), traveled to Tanzania and climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, and generally lived life with full confidence. In late 2008 I had several interviews with big-name consulting firms, but all of them fizzled due to the financial crisis. Even worse, my principal thesis advisor had left my university, and if anyone has ever been in academia, not having a main advisor is literally the kiss of death. This led to a downward spiral of writers block, followed by apathy, followed by depression. Long story short I only managed to complete one degree (an MBA), but because of my lollygagging with my other degrees, I graduated with little recent work experience and a lot of "lost time" to account for. I worked briefly doing sales for a marble/granite company, a job that was far below my expertise, which only sank me deeper into depression. After leaving that job, I hit rock bottom mentally in late 2012/early 2013. To me, life was just not worth living.
I started using the free ASC 5g subliminal in March 2013. I could remember a few instances of my mind resisting, but after about 60 days,
my confidence had been mostly restored.
I started the AM5 6-stage sub in late June, and holy crap this is where I feel I've truly changed as a person. I don't think I honestly felt much during the first two stages, and there were a few instances in stages 3-4 where I became more outspoken/unwilling to deal with anyone else's crap. By the end of stage 4 things have smoothed out.
I'm currently on day 4 of stage 6, and looking back I've changed quite a lot. The dark, stormy cloud that had occupied my mind is mostly gone, I'm quite a bit more approachable and friendly to others, and I'm in a much more optimistic mood than I was nearly a year ago. I'm far less critical of others, and opening myself up to new friendships. There's still some f-ed up issues that need to be un f-ed, but I'm certainly looking forward to what the next year has to offer. I'm feeling confident that 2014 will be an awesome year.
So, for anyone who's still reading, this journal will chronicle my last month of AM5, and whatever sub I begin next year (most likely AM6).
RE: Peter's AM5 (AM6?) journal - SargeMaximus - 12-04-2013
Good luck yo! Look forward to your progress.
RE: Peter's AM5 (AM6?) journal - Peter - 12-05-2013
Thanks, I really wish I had begun journaling my progress earlier so people could see just how much I've changed.
I forgot to add, I'm doing OGSF as well, started it in the middle of stage 5 and will continue until stage 6 is over. I know it'll be included in AM6 but I need the head start to deal with my "fear of success" issues.
It's absolutely true that when you're in a depression and you're in poor spirits other people can sense it and want nothing to do with you. I remember a couple years ago my roommate had a get-together at our house with some of his work friends, and afterwards I was pissed since none of them seemed to even want to acknowledge my existence. My friend said it's because I gave off a pissed-off demeanor that made me unapproachable. I'm an extrovert by nature, it's hard to want to connect with people and but for whatever reason no one seems to want to do the same. So it became a vicious cycle: I couldn't make new friends, which just fueled my hatred for everything and everyone.
And it's true that confidence trumps looks. Not to be immodest, but I am a pretty good-looking guy, I've modeled before, I've competed in physique shows, etc. so I have the body that could pull in tail easily, but without confidence it means nothing.
So it's amazing how much of this inner crap I've managed to purge in the last several months.
RE: Peter's AM5 (AM6?) journal - Fonzy3 - 12-06-2013
Peter, inspiring results. Bravo on your progress so far! I'm looking forward to see your changes with the next sub. You're right. If theres anything i've learned in regards to the study of the mind is that whats on the inside reflects outwordly. Having emotional confidence will definitely assist you in all areas of your life. Best of luck.
Thanks
Fonzy
RE: Peter's AM5 (AM6?) journal - Peter - 12-06-2013
Believe me, I'm feeling now more than ever the need to tackle all my inner issues head on, I really wonder if it's because of OGSF kicking in, because I haven't had this urge in the first several stages of AM5.
My biggest issue now is wanting to socializing with people but not having the impetus to do it. It's ironic for an extrovert. I love being in the center of attention (or at least acknowledged), and if someone else "steals" my spotlight so to say, my feelings of inadequacy kick in and I become anti-social. This is exactly what forced me into becoming a social hermit the last several years. I'd go to a get-together, not connect with anyone, and I'd become an aloof, anti-social prick who obviously doesn't get invited anywhere again.
It doesn't help that I live in a college town with a transient population. My closest friends from years back have all moved on, so for years I felt I was just left behind with little support base.
My roommate (who I consider to be my closest friend, and it's amazing that he's been able to remain so despite all the bullshit I put him through) is far more social than I. It always bothered me when he'd go to social functions without me, in a way it made me feel inadequate, as if I weren't worth spending with. Especially if they were work buddies, in my mind I was like "you already spend 40 hours a week with them and you want to spend even more time with them? We barely hang out as it is!".
(Honestly it makes me sick to my stomach reading that last paragraph. Was I really that pathetic?
)So I need to get my foot out there and become more social, and if for the moment it means riding his coattails, it's what I'd have to do. Still, there's always this little resistant voice inside telling me I shouldn't do this, it's pointless, you have better things to do, you're pathetic for even considering this, etc. It's high time to nip it in the bud. I know there's a "socializing is a fun game" sub, and I may have to try it. For me, right now, socializing is work.
On the plus side, it seems now that everywhere I go people nod, smile, or try to initiate small talk. It's odd to me considering that this would never have happened as recently as March of this year.
RE: Peter's AM5 (AM6?) journal - Spiral - 12-07-2013
Sounds like you are more approachable then. Yea, once you change your beliefs about socializing in general.. whether it is easy or really fun you'll embody your true extroverted-ness.
Welcome Peter. I look forward to seeing your progress and rise to the top!