11-15-2010, 08:29 AM
I think the worst of this rut is over now, I’m noticing that the subliminals are taking hold again. The effects are in most cases subtle, but overall I’m becoming more positive and more focused. For the last three days I’m also using a couple of mirror affirmations regarding self confidence, self worth and gaining a sense of purpose again and to see every situation as a learning experience, and I’m noticing more progress than the previous days. The most notable effects from the subliminals are experiencing a lot of activity around my chest and head. Personally I think it’s (re-)opening my crown and heart chakra, but I wonder what Shannon has to say about that. I noticed cold jabs along with a compressed warm sensation in my chest, this sensation has stopped since two days and has been replaced with a feeling of neutrality and in some cases a sense of calmness. What I’m particularly noticing in my head is a tingling sensation, and something else but it's pretty hard to describe. Practicing gratitude when you're feeling like ****, not recommended. It only makes you more aggravated and points towards lack. Will practice this again, when the time is ready for it. Otherwise it helps to set an even better mood.
Still have issues dealing with self-confidence and self worth in public places and social situations, it varies throughout the day, I think this is caused by still being affected by what other people may think of me, along with comparing myself with others, but I’m slowly starting to notice I’m more capable of distancing myself from this again. In the previous days I have also been pretty angry at my mother for putting me into this rut, but have come to the realization that it wasn’t her behavior that put me here, it was my reaction towards it. I did stood up for myself (Thanks for reminding me, Ronatello), and I was in my right for speaking my mind. Her going on a temper tantrum was only her inability to cope with the situation, and I didn't had any reason to take it personal and lose my control over this. I also could go on and continue blaming her, but it only would get me stuck; Even if she had the ability to feel guilt for what she had done, it wouldn’t have solved a thing.
A couple days ago it felt like my sense of self worth was back at where it was about 3-4 years, this became clear when I noticed that my motor functions seemed stiff and awkward in public places and that I had become self conscious again. It wasn’t nice to going from feeling self-assured, confident about my decisions, having good eye contact and being content with myself and my appearance to feeling scared, anxious, not knowing how to present and wanting to hide myself.
What particularly annoyed me was that whenever I had the notion that someone was looking at me, I immediately began questioning myself, and stopped thinking calmly about my decisions and immediately started thinking negatively about myself. if I wanted to grab something in the supermarket or at a gas station I instantly started thinking that they thought that I was doing it wrong or choosing the wrong things, and actually chose some wrong things for myself because I chose their silly opinions over my own, which I later on used to belittle myself some more. Great downward spiral you have there, chief.
Even though I jotted a lot of things down that I forgot, it was pretty exhilarating to remember things again in a lot of “A-ha! Oh yeah now I remember again” moments, for the past week my mind was a brick, but it was easily forgotten again. Everything I read, remembered, listened to or watched was forgotten in a couple of hours, a couple of things do stick but not much. I’ll just have things come to me when I’m ready, instead of trying to remember everything in a sense of desperation. It also surprised me that when I’m thinking of my past it seems less alive, like somebody turned down the contrast. Also learning moments in past relationships are gone, along with my reasons for stopping smoking... (not that I'm gonna start again, but it was nice knowing that you have the knowledge to quit effectively).
I’m glad to have a small sense of intuition again, being able to read into social situations a little bit better, and that it doesn’t take that long to recover from this. I’m still doubting about using Stage 1 for 40 days, but will decide in two days since I’m currently on day 30.
Still have issues dealing with self-confidence and self worth in public places and social situations, it varies throughout the day, I think this is caused by still being affected by what other people may think of me, along with comparing myself with others, but I’m slowly starting to notice I’m more capable of distancing myself from this again. In the previous days I have also been pretty angry at my mother for putting me into this rut, but have come to the realization that it wasn’t her behavior that put me here, it was my reaction towards it. I did stood up for myself (Thanks for reminding me, Ronatello), and I was in my right for speaking my mind. Her going on a temper tantrum was only her inability to cope with the situation, and I didn't had any reason to take it personal and lose my control over this. I also could go on and continue blaming her, but it only would get me stuck; Even if she had the ability to feel guilt for what she had done, it wouldn’t have solved a thing.
A couple days ago it felt like my sense of self worth was back at where it was about 3-4 years, this became clear when I noticed that my motor functions seemed stiff and awkward in public places and that I had become self conscious again. It wasn’t nice to going from feeling self-assured, confident about my decisions, having good eye contact and being content with myself and my appearance to feeling scared, anxious, not knowing how to present and wanting to hide myself.
What particularly annoyed me was that whenever I had the notion that someone was looking at me, I immediately began questioning myself, and stopped thinking calmly about my decisions and immediately started thinking negatively about myself. if I wanted to grab something in the supermarket or at a gas station I instantly started thinking that they thought that I was doing it wrong or choosing the wrong things, and actually chose some wrong things for myself because I chose their silly opinions over my own, which I later on used to belittle myself some more. Great downward spiral you have there, chief.
Even though I jotted a lot of things down that I forgot, it was pretty exhilarating to remember things again in a lot of “A-ha! Oh yeah now I remember again” moments, for the past week my mind was a brick, but it was easily forgotten again. Everything I read, remembered, listened to or watched was forgotten in a couple of hours, a couple of things do stick but not much. I’ll just have things come to me when I’m ready, instead of trying to remember everything in a sense of desperation. It also surprised me that when I’m thinking of my past it seems less alive, like somebody turned down the contrast. Also learning moments in past relationships are gone, along with my reasons for stopping smoking... (not that I'm gonna start again, but it was nice knowing that you have the knowledge to quit effectively).
I’m glad to have a small sense of intuition again, being able to read into social situations a little bit better, and that it doesn’t take that long to recover from this. I’m still doubting about using Stage 1 for 40 days, but will decide in two days since I’m currently on day 30.
