11-10-2010, 05:23 AM
I’m currently undergoing a crash course in spirituality, which is basically practicing stillness and accepting my current position, and see what questions/answers/garbage comes drifting up along with exposing myself to as many familiar concepts as possible. But I do realize that it’s something that takes a lot of time. Like I already mentioned in my previous post it also means re-tracing the steps I used to have a spiritual connection for the first time, but it goes way back and it’s easy to overlook something. I think I’ve localized the binding thought that brings it all together, but there is something still missing. It comes and goes. It doesn’t gain any momentum.
Over the past year I’ve also undeliberately built a concept in my mind which I used to distance myself from my emotions and it’s pretty unwelcoming that it’s no longer there, the bits and pieces are still floating around and I’m jotting them down but the binding intuitive mechanism that was used to gain insight in most situations isn’t there. It just draws a blank now. Along with all the Alpha, spiritual, gratitude and self help theory, rational/emotional thinking. I also had a pretty good sense of who I was and what I stood for, and I was still busy deciphering the past in a more constructive way to be done with that once and for all. For the most part all those concepts stopped making sense, how weird this may sound.
What I noticed so far is that the things I’m relearning miss that intuitive click. It has already been addressed, so the novelty of that thought or concept has somewhat died down. I had the same experience when I stopped smoking, I already knew the information so I looked for sources that basically told the same thing, but in a different way. Some things do resonate with me, but where it used to resonate on the surface, it feels it’s a mile away now. I’m also noticing that I’m more prone to victim thinking, like “someone should help me”, or “I can’t do this”, “I don’t enough time” etc. Luckily I still do have the triggers that identify those thoughts, it just hard distancing myself from them.
My self-confidence and self-worth also seems to have taken a serious plunge, it’s really hard for me to find any positive traits about myself. I do practice it but with effort. My mind also still feels a bit muddy, low energy, low frequency. I really believe that this was how I felt before I started working on myself. What seems contradictory is that I don't have much social anxiety. It doesn't make sense.
Even though this may seem strange, whenever I’m listening to the AM program, it seems flat now. Like I better could put up stage 2, I’m not going to do that, but it’s just what I’m thinking.
Over the past year I’ve also undeliberately built a concept in my mind which I used to distance myself from my emotions and it’s pretty unwelcoming that it’s no longer there, the bits and pieces are still floating around and I’m jotting them down but the binding intuitive mechanism that was used to gain insight in most situations isn’t there. It just draws a blank now. Along with all the Alpha, spiritual, gratitude and self help theory, rational/emotional thinking. I also had a pretty good sense of who I was and what I stood for, and I was still busy deciphering the past in a more constructive way to be done with that once and for all. For the most part all those concepts stopped making sense, how weird this may sound.
What I noticed so far is that the things I’m relearning miss that intuitive click. It has already been addressed, so the novelty of that thought or concept has somewhat died down. I had the same experience when I stopped smoking, I already knew the information so I looked for sources that basically told the same thing, but in a different way. Some things do resonate with me, but where it used to resonate on the surface, it feels it’s a mile away now. I’m also noticing that I’m more prone to victim thinking, like “someone should help me”, or “I can’t do this”, “I don’t enough time” etc. Luckily I still do have the triggers that identify those thoughts, it just hard distancing myself from them.
My self-confidence and self-worth also seems to have taken a serious plunge, it’s really hard for me to find any positive traits about myself. I do practice it but with effort. My mind also still feels a bit muddy, low energy, low frequency. I really believe that this was how I felt before I started working on myself. What seems contradictory is that I don't have much social anxiety. It doesn't make sense.
Even though this may seem strange, whenever I’m listening to the AM program, it seems flat now. Like I better could put up stage 2, I’m not going to do that, but it’s just what I’m thinking.
