10-31-2010, 02:27 AM
Day 16 on Stage 1 - I’m noticing to be more socially interacting instead of just reacting. I’m more inquisitive, especially when dealing with strangers and the lot. Keeping less distance, and almost seeing them as acquaintances. Normally I would just see which way the wind blows, and unless it was really, really safe I would simply keep to myself in such circumstances. Since experimenting with affirmations I have been opening up a bit more, but that was nothing compared to this.
On the other hand I’ve become less reactive to my sister, even though I normally I could get along fine with her. I’m still not sure but I’m starting to become annoyed with her behaviour, and the more I see of her, the more I'm seeing her as this egotistical energy sucking vampire that doesn’t stop for nothing to make herself look good. Her motives for even coming here are becoming annoyingly transparent as well. As long as there is something to get or take, she’s here. When I'm with her on the phone everything is pretty much good though.
Perhaps I was expecting her to be more supportive of my decisions (taking a break from school, using subs, reading up on alternative books, conducting small social experiments, getting myself sorted out in my own way) but for the most part she has only been giving me criticism, and she acts like I’m some idiot throwing my life away.
I know this period is especially well for me and if I don’t focus on myself and solve this now it will only continue on harming/constraining me in the future. On the other hand I’m glad that she does it because it only affirms that I really want to do this, but I wouldn’t have acted that way if she would undergo all this.
On day 13 I had another sudden overwhelming feeling of sadness with a corresponding lump in my throat, this time I didn’t had any corresponding thoughts to go along with it. Behind the scenes break through I guess. Had another smaller version of it on day 14.
I’m noticing that the Insomnia Aid isn’t a guarantee for me to be able to sleep, had a few nights now where it took me almost 3-4 hours to fall asleep. Lot of thoughts coming up. I stopped waking up 3-4 am and notice that I'm more clear headed through the day though. But easily tired. Also purchased the Meditation Set, but haven’t done much with it since I’m still having the belief that it could mess up my sleeping routine. But as soon as I start using it, will report on it.
I’ve also implemented a new daily routine, which incorporates a few simple steps like doing a couple of mirror affirmations, taking vitamins daily, generating gratitude (jotting down things where I’m truly grateful for) and making myself more presentable daily (even if I’m not planning on going somewhere). The former version I had was a bit too much, so I scraped it down to the bare minimum to get it going. I can always add more lately. What I’ve also added to the list is doing ‘Morning pages’, this is simply jotting down your thoughts after you wake up. The whole purpose behind it is expressing your thoughts no matter the amount of criticism, along with jotting down the criticism so you can look more objectively at it. And I can surely say that I’m a complete arsehole to myself in a lot of cases. I am noticing however that my personal criticism is becoming less and less, so this or the subliminal is working. And since I always had the belief that glasses made me less attractive, I’ve refrained from using them and only use contacts now. Still having issues with waking up at 5 am.
On a side note, my mother complained of having back pains for a few weeks and it wasn’t clearing up so I set up a speakerset I still had lying around and put on Love and Appreciate Yourself along with Chronic and Useless Pain Relief I have to say that it did the trick.
On the other hand I’ve become less reactive to my sister, even though I normally I could get along fine with her. I’m still not sure but I’m starting to become annoyed with her behaviour, and the more I see of her, the more I'm seeing her as this egotistical energy sucking vampire that doesn’t stop for nothing to make herself look good. Her motives for even coming here are becoming annoyingly transparent as well. As long as there is something to get or take, she’s here. When I'm with her on the phone everything is pretty much good though.
Perhaps I was expecting her to be more supportive of my decisions (taking a break from school, using subs, reading up on alternative books, conducting small social experiments, getting myself sorted out in my own way) but for the most part she has only been giving me criticism, and she acts like I’m some idiot throwing my life away.
I know this period is especially well for me and if I don’t focus on myself and solve this now it will only continue on harming/constraining me in the future. On the other hand I’m glad that she does it because it only affirms that I really want to do this, but I wouldn’t have acted that way if she would undergo all this.
On day 13 I had another sudden overwhelming feeling of sadness with a corresponding lump in my throat, this time I didn’t had any corresponding thoughts to go along with it. Behind the scenes break through I guess. Had another smaller version of it on day 14.
I’m noticing that the Insomnia Aid isn’t a guarantee for me to be able to sleep, had a few nights now where it took me almost 3-4 hours to fall asleep. Lot of thoughts coming up. I stopped waking up 3-4 am and notice that I'm more clear headed through the day though. But easily tired. Also purchased the Meditation Set, but haven’t done much with it since I’m still having the belief that it could mess up my sleeping routine. But as soon as I start using it, will report on it.
I’ve also implemented a new daily routine, which incorporates a few simple steps like doing a couple of mirror affirmations, taking vitamins daily, generating gratitude (jotting down things where I’m truly grateful for) and making myself more presentable daily (even if I’m not planning on going somewhere). The former version I had was a bit too much, so I scraped it down to the bare minimum to get it going. I can always add more lately. What I’ve also added to the list is doing ‘Morning pages’, this is simply jotting down your thoughts after you wake up. The whole purpose behind it is expressing your thoughts no matter the amount of criticism, along with jotting down the criticism so you can look more objectively at it. And I can surely say that I’m a complete arsehole to myself in a lot of cases. I am noticing however that my personal criticism is becoming less and less, so this or the subliminal is working. And since I always had the belief that glasses made me less attractive, I’ve refrained from using them and only use contacts now. Still having issues with waking up at 5 am.
On a side note, my mother complained of having back pains for a few weeks and it wasn’t clearing up so I set up a speakerset I still had lying around and put on Love and Appreciate Yourself along with Chronic and Useless Pain Relief I have to say that it did the trick.
