Overcome Fear, Guilt, and Shame

[Sean]

Congratulations on the progress, Mat!

[mat422]

I changed my mind. I'm gonna continue to use overcome fear guilt and shame. So I'm gonna keep this journal extended. Seeing as how Shannon said alpha 6.0 might be coming out soon, I figured starting alpha now would be a waste of a year. Technology moves fast, and I'm sure 5.0 is leaps and bounds better than 2011 so I'd be better off buying that or just waiting until 6.0 comes out. It's not life or death if I don't run through alpha now anyway. Besides this sub has been doing a pretty good job of pushing me forward and letting me change for the better and I'm not as worried about stuff as I used to be or as much of a perfectionist.

On my days off from this sub I had some realizations that made me feel better. I am where I am right now and I'm working on bettering myself. I'll do my best and do what I need to do. But if things don't work out how I'd like them to or I have small defeats it doesn't negate anything. I think there is still this fear holding me in place. I think it has lowered significantly and I'm free to do more things. But at the same time I know if I improve myself I open myself up to more fear inducing things.

Now that it's been a few weeks since I visited the hypnotherapist I think I have more time to reflect. I think a lot of what I was feeling was this hopefulness and being overly optimistic. And I think there's a tendency to be a little biased for me because I didn't want to say that money was wasted. She definitely was a small stepping stone in my life. But looking back it was clear that fear during my session with her prevented a lot of potential change and I blamed myself considerably for that. Which I shouldn't have. I act like this fear is under my control, but it's not. No matter how hard I believe that I control the fear or can change it on my own through conscious intervention I can't. That's not to say I'm helpless or at the mercy of it, I can certainly push past it when I need to. There's just no point in me beating myself up or blaming myself when it was the hypnotist that was supposed to work to overcome these obstacles, not me. I'm not the expert.

So I do wish my life did a complete 180. But going in I had my doubts and I beat myself up for doubting things too. But doubt isn't a bad thing, if anything it helps me grow more because I realize what works and what doesn't and how to rethink my strategies. I find it hard sometimes trying to communicate with people how I feel. I pretty much feel like I live in a different reality at times. I think before I began my journey with subliminals I was about 3 steps below everyone. Lately I kind of feel like I'm only one step below, I can see how things can start coming together but I'm still not there.

I just needed to ramble on with some of that. I guess I had a little guilt and shame left over from not being able to just flip my life around completely after that hypnosis session. Things get hard for me and it gets difficult seeing others doing things with ease where I struggle. It's not like I want to stay where I am, but at the same time it's just not as easy as everyone thinks to change. Everyone's got their own personal struggles though.

[Sean]

Mat,

Shannon indicated that AM6 will be like AM5 part 2, so doing AM5 might be a good idea if you've not already.

[mat422]

Mat,

Shannon indicated that AM6 will be like AM5 part 2, so doing AM5 might be a good idea if you've not already.

Thanks Sean. When I get the money for AM5 I'll run through that, AM6 will have to wait.

[MangoEruption]

From what I'm currently experiencing with AM 5.0 is that it's still plenty powerful. It will do the job and make you wonder how in the hell were you even like that before the sub started doing its magic.

[mat422]

From what I'm currently experiencing with AM 5.0 is that it's still plenty powerful. It will do the job and make you wonder how in the hell were you even like that before the sub started doing its magic.

Awesome, can't wait to run through it.

I thought I'd get some stuff off my mind that I've been thinking about lately.

I occasionally go on a message board dealing with social anxiety. A lot of people suffer from this problem. From the outside a lot of people just want to push these individuals into anxiety provoking situations and tell them to toughen up or get over it. A little pushing is necessary, but it can backfire and make things worse. And even if they can put themselves in those situations after a while, they still suffer from anxiety, they just learn to manage it better. It's one of those things that people tend to underestimate, like depresssion.

Anyway, I asked people on the board how many of them thought they could completely remove social anxiety from their lives. And I have to say the answers were discouraging. A lot of people stated it was part of them or you never completely get rid of it or it's just a part of life. Even worse when I stated that it was my goal to completely remove it from my life I was told that I set my expectations too high. It's really no wonder so many people have trouble overcoming these problems. They don't even believe that they can be rid of them in the first place. And when they actively voice how they want to, they are met with discouraging words instead of positivity.

I used to be the same way. If a problem beats you down so many times you just want to give in and say well this is how it's always going to be and I might as well get used to it. But now I have a goal and I've been striving to reach it. When someone tells me social anxiety is a part of me, I just tell them I don't believe that. It's taken me a couple of years to get to that point, but I think it's important to be able to understand that the only limits are the ones we set for ourselves.

[mat422]

Had a pretty profound realization today. I've been underestimating how deep all this stuff goes. By now I'm quite skilled at silencing my internal dialogue if it gets negative or pushing away negative thoughts. But you know what? Just because I can't hear them or don't dwell on them doesn't mean there isn't something deeper there. This was my greatest mistake. I think I'm very logical, I tell myself that if I change my internal dialogue from day to day, start thinking positive, then I'll be free of all the negative things. But I realized how I neglected to realize the emotional side to things or the deeper feelings. The ones that don't play by the rules of logic and have to be processed without interference.

What I realized today is that I have to start being honest with my feelings. I have this shame associated with being an incomplete person or just less than others. And it's hard even acknowledging that because it triggers those deep feelings of shame. I know most people have a hard time with opening up to others, but I feel like it's even harder for me. I think I've spent a large portion of my life trying to cover up those negative feelings inside of me or that feeling of being inferior. No matter how much improvement I made it was never good enough because in the end I was covering myself up more instead of opening up. Even using the alpha male sub, it was always about becoming a different person, to leave behind all those problems and detach from myself. When it should have been about accepting myself and then improving on that.

I really don't have close relationships with anyone. Not even my parents. I keep people at arms length. I tend to avoid people even when they reach out. I used to think it was just the anxiety that made things difficult and that's why I avoided stuff. But I realized it's actually me, I'm just afraid of people seeing the faults in me. Or what I think of myself, I'm afraid that that's what people see and that's something I try to hide from people I guess.

[Patti]

You are so friggen profound (good choice of words for your realization) that it just blows me away every time I read your stuff! Your self awareness alone, especially for your age is over the top. Have you ever thought about being a writer?

[Subeternal]

I suppose you feel like if people see the monster in your closet they'll start gunning in the other direction or simply disengage with you completely. Same as me.

For me that stems from wanting to not just be liked but to be liked the way I want to be liked however odd that sounds. I went to a person's house the other night and much of the time I felt like I had to play "chameleon" to get by. I admire what you said about AM and feeling like your trying to simply be something different when you actually want to empower your own individuality.

I always felt like I downplayed my natural empathy in order for AM to shine through me. I dunno if thats a good thing or not. Btw if you want AM5 I can send it to you. Your a veteran on the forum and people really do cherish your views. Its more useful to have it being used by someone else than to have it sit on my computer. (I'll make sure to delete it from my computer to stay within rules of the shop/forum like I did when I sent stuff to Spiral)

[mat422]

You are so friggen profound (good choice of words for your realization) that it just blows me away every time I read your stuff! Your self awareness alone, especially for your age is over the top. Have you ever thought about being a writer?

Thanks Patti, I get that a lot from people haha. Honestly though, I think there's a lot about me that I still really don't know. Probably due to me being afraid to open those doors and explore more.

I've never considered being a writer. But I'm always open to new things. I'll definitely keep it in mind. I've always found my ability to write is due to my habits of thinking intently and analyzing. Speaking with people face to face has always been somewhat hard because of this. But when I have the time and there is no pressure I find that I can craft my thoughts a lot better.

I suppose you feel like if people see the monster in your closet they'll start gunning in the other direction or simply disengage with you completely. Same as me.

For me that stems from wanting to not just be liked but to be liked the way I want to be liked however odd that sounds. I went to a person's house the other night and much of the time I felt like I had to play "chameleon" to get by. I admire what you said about AM and feeling like your trying to simply be something different when you actually want to empower your own individuality.

I always felt like I downplayed my natural empathy in order for AM to shine through me. I dunno if thats a good thing or not. Btw if you want AM5 I can send it to you. Your a veteran on the forum and people really do cherish your views. Its more useful to have it being used by someone else than to have it sit on my computer. (I'll make sure to delete it from my computer to stay within rules of the shop/forum like I did when I sent stuff to Spiral)

That hits really close to home. I guess deep down I still have these unresolved feelings that I still need to work out. Getting in touch with those feelings can be hard because I've got a sort of mental block.

It definitely makes sense. I know that feeling of playing the chameleon.

Empathy is a good thing. It's something that can build very strong relationships. But people can take advantage of this and it's very important to balance it out with an ability to stand up for yourself. I think your perceived natural empathy was the kind of empathy where you might have let people take things a little too far. So it might have felt "wrong", but that was only because you've probably lived with it for so long.

Thank you for the offer but I'm pretty sure Shannon is against the sharing of these programs if they were already used by an individual. I'll just keep working on myself and save up for it myself. I also like supporting Shannon because he's a truly dedicated person and he cares. He's deserving of every penny that I give to him.

[mat422]

I think I discovered a huge negative belief today. I've been using EFT on it to help let it go. My belief was that everyone secretly hated me or does hate me. This obviously isn't the one belief responsible for my anxiety, but I think it was a very powerful one. It would explain my intense anxiety around people for no apparent reason. If I held the unconscious belief that everyone hated me then it would make sense that's why I've always been on guard or afraid of them.

Another one was that I'm not important. When I was a kid my mom ignored me at times and I feel like I internalized the belief that whatever I had to say wasn't important and therefore I wasn't either. I brushed it away at times thinking it was too simple or the fact that I recognized it wasn't true was enough. But I realized that the beliefs have to be let go of on a deeper level, not just a conscious understanding.

I feel better now. But I'm not gonna get ahead of myself. It's funny when I have these small victories I tend to think that I've fixed everything. But there's still work to be done. This will move me up a few steps, but I know there might still be some blocks that I need to clear out.

That being said. I've looked at something called avoidant personality disorder. At first I could recognize all the symptoms as me having them. But after changing these beliefs I feel better and can't relate as much. There's a difference between not wanting to feel a certain way and actually feeling that way. After working on these beliefs I don't have to pretend to feel better, I actually do.

[Shannon]

Mat, understand that 98% of people are completely unconscious of you. They don't even notice what's in front of their face. They see signs and completely fail to realize those signs are there. Same with the people around them. How can they hate you if they don't know you're there?

And why would they hate you? Do you somehow magically deserve to be hated so much that it's just a natural reaction people have to you? Hardly. The average person hates what they fear. What makes you so scary? I laugh at your scariness, Mat! HaHA, take that!

If you're worthless, then you can't be worth feeding, or raising, or taking any care of at all, and since you're alive, that's obviously not true. So obviously, you are not worthless.

[mat422]

Mat, understand that 98% of people are completely unconscious of you. They don't even notice what's in front of their face. They see signs and completely fail to realize those signs are there. Same with the people around them. How can they hate you if they don't know you're there?

And why would they hate you? Do you somehow magically deserve to be hated so much that it's just a natural reaction people have to you? Hardly. The average person hates what they fear. What makes you so scary? I laugh at your scariness, Mat! HaHA, take that!

If you're worthless, then you can't be worth feeding, or raising, or taking any care of at all, and since you're alive, that's obviously not true. So obviously, you are not worthless.

Thanks for the negative belief busting Shannon. I still need to work on my irrational thinking. I feel like I've got a lifetime of that kind of thinking that I need to turn around. So I decided I'm gonna go see a therapist and work on some of this stuff. I think it just helps having outside perspective because sometimes working on these thoughts in my own head doesn't work too well.

[mat422]

Fear is rearing it's ugly head again. Although I think now I'm starting to understand how it tends to trick me at times. I have this fear of change, I've pretty much established that. The issue is that this fear is well, just a fear. It's one of those things that I have trouble talking myself out of because any attempt to remove this fear is replaced with more fear. So I have to be mindful of how tricky things can get.

I noticed today that my fear of change caused me to believe that things couldn't change or it was impossible. In my conscious mind I know I have to get better and move on with my life, in fact I want to. But my subconscious has this fear of the unknown that is paralyzing at times. Basically my mind is being pulled in two different directions and it's no wonder I've been depressed lately. It gets very frustrating and because it happens repeatedly after a while it just gets to me.

I looked at the script for this subliminal and it says destroying fear. Up until now I saw fear as the enemy, something that needed to be obliterated or destroyed. Now I'm not so sure. Let's say fear is a learned response, essentially it's just my mind doing it's best to learn and protect me. I can't fault it for that, it's not the enemy, it's just not operating the way I want it to. Or maybe viewing fear as this thing inside of me was filling me with guilt or shame because I couldn't overcome it. It was this huge monster that seemed so intimidating. I just had a shift where I saw fear as this thing that I learned, something I constructed, it doesn't have a mind of it's own and it isn't some evil force hell bent on destroying my life. It's just an error in my mind that's been causing me trouble. And since it's my mind I have the power to fix it.

And even with guilt and shame it's interesting because I'd feel guilty and ashamed for having those negative emotions. What I failed to realize was that, it wasn't my fault. It's alright that I have those negative emotions, it just means I need to focus on getting better. So obvious, but it's not clear until you understand it. I blame myself so much for everything, I feel like if I don't feel guilty then I'm not taking responsibility for it.

I'll be honest I'm having a really hard time pulling away from my old self. I have these moments where I feel like I need to go back to old ways. I think so much of my identity is tangled up in these negative feelings and I feel like I'm losing a part of myself along with it. The more clear I feel and free from these things, the more confused I get. Because I've only lived my life in fear and negative feelings, it's like entering into the world not knowing how to live. It's like being at war for years and coming back to peace and not really knowing how to integrate.

And I think I'm having trouble with completely letting go of some of the more negative stuff because it was a huge struggle for me. There's this common belief that depression or anxiety is permanent and you are born with this burden to carry and all you do is suffer for the rest of your life. Moving beyond that suffering is hard. Why? Because of my ego I guess. I've been around forums for people struggling from depression or anxiety and when someone gets better or offers their advice there always seems to be hostility towards the person. They'll say that they never really had a real problem, it was minor, that they had it easy, it's not that easy, etc. Continual suffering is rewarded and improvement is met with skepticism and lack of encouragement. So if I move past everything, I feel like everyone is just going to deny that I ever struggled so badly. That takes one hell of a big ego, but at the same time I think it just reflects deep feelings of always being misunderstood and hiding how I felt for so many years.

In a way I think it's my inner child, I tried as hard as I could to separate from that kid, but I realized that this kid was me and to deny that part of me was to deny myself. I tried really hard to be something I'm not in order to hide from that deeply ashamed feeling I had for being who I am. Why I have that shame for being myself, I really don't know. But I know deep down that I don't need to feel that way and it's ok to let go of that shame because it doesn't serve any purpose.

Well I'm writing a freakin novel here, but I guess a lot of that had to be said. I think tonight I'm starting to really hit the raw feelings with this sub. Something that always amazes me is that even when I think I know myself, I don't. It's like I'm constantly cleaning off this mud and I get closer and closer to the core of my being. It just makes me realize that I'll just continue to grow and enjoy the process of discovery.