Overcome Fear, Guilt, and Shame

[mat422]

I think sometimes I get too excited and bite off more than I can chew. I was a bit over my head with that last post.

I want nothing more than to be able to think positive and shift myself out of negative beliefs. But I do this to myself all the time. I get motivated to change and fail to realize that I'm operating on willpower alone. I create a temporary state where I convince myself that I control my mind and I can change anything. But it's only a conscious thing, my subconscious beliefs are unaffected by it. So when the willpower runs out, I'm confronted with the problems which I've only covered up temporarily. The fired up feeling is great and all, but it's not sustainable.

Depression is this thing that just keeps gnawing at me. I keep moving forward though. I just want so badly to let go of it for good. I tell myself to just let go, embrace happiness. But I just don't understand why it's still there. I used to think I was holding onto it and me stating that I was depressed was perpetuating it. But all I'm doing is labeling an experience so I can describe it in words. The last thing I need to do is fill myself with guilt for not being able to overcome these problems as quickly as I think I should.

But one thing I did learn from all this is that in spite of being depressed focusing on things that make me happy is more important than focusing on the depression itself. And that it's not hopeless, my situation is difficult but I can overcome it.

[mat422]

Well I guess I sort of got my answer today. I feel like I'm always under tremendous stress. Maybe the depression is just my sublimated anger over not being able to overcome anxiety. I mean you can only be angry and frustrated for so long until it turns into something else. But I can't know for certain until I move past the anxiety. For all I know they can be two separate issues, both feeding off of each other.

All I know is I'm working on it and doing the best I can. I'm taking my experiences as they come and trying not to stress over understanding it so much. Sometimes thinking about things in a negative state only breeds more delusions that aren't true. It's best to just stop focusing on the negative aspects and put my focus on the positive as much as possible.

[mat422]

I always enjoy small stepping stones that lead to more understanding. Since I've been reading more about the law of attraction I went back to my days of visualizing to get what I wanted. I never really had much success and I realized why. The visualization has to bring about the emotions naturally. I guess I never got that, especially when every technique really emphasized emotion and I'm a very logical, methodical person. I'd just try to create as much happiness while visualizing the outcome, but it wasn't genuine. Looking back I was trying to make something happen and to a large degree was obsessed with proof that it could happen. My skepticism blocked my intentions.

And I realized a lot of my focus has been on what I don't want instead of what I do want. So even though my intention was to move past anxiety and depression, I still thought of both anxiety and depression which triggered the negative feelings.

So lately when I've been confronted with negative feelings instead of trying to let them go or meditate on them, I just visualize anything that gives me joy. Being financially secure, good relationships, being healthy, etc. I realized the more attention I gave to the negative feelings, the more I thought about it. The more positive things override the negative feelings and gives me a more positive state of mind. It's like a snowball effect, once my mood is lifted I tend to do more things that perpetuate that mood.

I'm convinced this is only one side of the coin though. Even though I can build positive states that help me tremendously, I still feel something else that needs to be removed. Shannon, you've probably covered this extensively already, the need to remove things along with adding.

[Shannon]

Replacing the negative with stronger positives is a popular theme in my subliminals.

[mat422]

I really don't get why I do the things I do at times. I've always been a decent writer, but writing is easy. You can pause, think about what you need to say, craft it in a way that sounds good, then get it onto paper. But real life you don't have that luxury of thinking so much. I guess it wouldn't be so bad, but I feel like when I get anxious I try to think too much about what to say instead of just saying it. Almost like censoring myself. I think I'm using my mind wrong if that makes any sense. Fear of not being able to have control over my thoughts or what I say maybe. I don't know it just seems really irrational. It's like I'm constantly watching myself, but in doing so I get in my own way.

I guess this kind of came to me when I was making music the other day. If you think too much or get tense or frustrated nothing will come to you. You have to relax and just go with it. Not everything that I make will come out good. But if I'm too critical of what I make, sometimes I can crush something that had the potential to be good. I just have to get out of my own way and let things develop on their own.

My guess is, again at the root of it all is just fear. Specifically fear of the unknown. My mind wants to plan and calculate and come up with strategies to deal with the fear. I feel like it's been my defense mechanism for years now. And in the past my logic got so good I convinced myself of things that just weren't true. It's only been recently that I've been letting my guard down and being open to the things that I can't control. It's really no wonder I'm stressed a lot of the time, my brain is always going a million miles an hour and gets in the way of everything. Thinking is good, but too much thinking can just get me caught up in mental loops where it doesn't do anything productive.

[mat422]

So I went to the hypnotherapist today. She wasn't straight hypnosis. She had a whole mixed bag of techniques and strategies. I liked her. She was very laid back and understanding.

I had a lot of anxiety going into the session. So I felt very defensive I guess. And I feel that I put up a lot of resistance. But she was able to see that and switch up how she did things. She read me very well, which made me feel she was very qualified. I liked how she knew how to not preoccupy my time with excessive talk about the past, she understood that they were just patterns in my head that could be retrained.

I feel like most people would be really excited to go and fix everything. But I was mostly worried. I didn't want to go into the session and start to pretend that things were better when they really weren't. It's like I wanted real solid change, not some vague feeling of being better just from relaxation or something.

From one session I feel like she did cause some changes. The big one was looking for a job. Even just looking for a job caused me anxiety, but she helped me drop that from about a 10 to a 5. But also she subtly helped me see a life beyond the anxiety and helped me reframe it in a way where I could feel myself being able to move past it.

She wanted to do another session with me. But I don't have the money right now. If I did, I'd go again. I felt like she understood what needed to be done and she would have worked on it even more.

I'm not really disappointed with how things turned out. I think she helped me move forward even more. I've already accepted that I'm a guy with a lot of issues. And as nice as it would be to fix everything in a day, sometimes it's not really doable. It's like chipping away at something, that's all you can ever really do is keep chipping away.

[mat422]

So upon more reflection I'm pretty sure the hypnotherapist allowed me to see things in a new light. And it's given me some thought to how I've approached any self-help change methods over the years.

I've stated before I was a skeptic. I like to see something work, how it works, if it works, etc. But I realized I look through a filter. An incredibly biased filter I might have picked up from negativity from scientists.

I've pretty much moved on from that. I want to get better so from now on I just use anything. Recently I've went back to using EFT, whether or not it's a placebo effect I really don't care. Even placebo is using the power of the mind and in the end if that causes change that's great. For too long I've been too concerned with proving something instead of focusing on using it to get better. I realized I'd rather be wrong and happy in the eyes of skeptics, than right and miserable.

My new motto is use whatever works. I like subliminals for installing new beliefs. But sometimes I need a little extra help with clearing out negative emotions, so I'll use whatever I've got. Who knows, maybe my subconscious couldn't do it directly and it's led me to this realization.

[Shannon]

That's why I was toying with the idea of using subliminals, BWE, hypnosis and other methods all in one program. Subliminals are really powerful, but the research to getting them where everyone will need them will be a long time. A good hypnotherapist can do things a recording can't, whether it be hypnosis or subliminal or otherwise. If you get stuck, and a recording isn't getting you there or not getting you there in the time frame that you need, a living therapist with skill is much better than a recording.

[mat422]

That's why I was toying with the idea of using subliminals, BWE, hypnosis and other methods all in one program. Subliminals are really powerful, but the research to getting them where everyone will need them will be a long time. A good hypnotherapist can do things a recording can't, whether it be hypnosis or subliminal or otherwise. If you get stuck, and a recording isn't getting you there or not getting you there in the time frame that you need, a living therapist with skill is much better than a recording.

That would be one hell of a program Shannon. I feel like my eyes are really open now to how dismissive some researchers can be. Interestingly enough I have a feeling some of them operate out of fear. They want to know how everything works and it scares them that they might not be able to explain something. Maybe a bit of arrogance or ego too, they need to know that they are right and anything that challenges that is a threat. Of course they won't agree, but subconsciously I think that's where some of them operate from. If I'm being honest that's pretty much how I felt before haha. There was definitely a disconnect from how I wanted to feel about things vs how I actually felt.

[mat422]

Hitting another rough patch these past few days. I've been trying to be more active with using a variety of techniques to address any past issues that may be contributing to my emotional state. The good news is I have noticed a lot of relief from doing this. The bad news is it doesn't always work miracles and I need to learn that trying to tackle it all at once can be a bad idea.

I think an issue I'm running into is trying to separate myself from the problems I've dealt with. I recognize that I am an individual and some things are just a part of me. But at the same time I can't really be sure until I overcome more things. Being myself is a little difficult if I accidentally start assuming that negative traits are part of that or perspectives due to negative beliefs. I don't know things seem kind of complicated, maybe I just need to chill out and stop thinking about it so much. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter so long as I'm happy.

[Shannon]

My conclusions as well, about the perceptions and reasons of researchers, by and large.

[mat422]

Still clearing a lot of stuff out. It's like spring cleaning, but for my head. Some little shifts here and there. Nothing too drastic, but it's noticeable. I'm dying to run through alpha again. It's been a while since I've done that. I'm debating if I should just go through 2011 again or wait. If I start 2011 now I won't be able to switch it out for 5.0 when I get the money for it.

Something I realized when I went into the city the other day. I'm from the suburbs, so everything was a little uncomfortable. Especially growing up my dad was always telling me to be careful in the city. I feel like he made me feel like it's a really dangerous place. But my dad tends to be a worrier to begin with, I can't help but feel he subconsciously pushed that on me. Anyway I know there are some guys out there that try to be tough because of big egos. But me, I mostly want to be more alpha just so I'm equipped to handle whatever is thrown my way. I always wonder if I'd even need these subliminals if people weren't so obsessed with trying to give others a hard time. Then again I've always been dedicated to my own growth, I never say good enough I just keep pushing. So I'm likely to test just how far I can go.

[mat422]

Sometimes I think because I've lived so long with negativity and feelings of depression I see it as normal behavior for me. So I might slip up one day and then gradually fall back into it without really realizing it.

But lately I've been using EFT more on myself. I like it because it's not just my belief in it that makes it work. And that's important because if I'm at a low point I can't muster up the strength to be overly positive about something. My only issue is I'll run into resistance to using this when I feel really bad. I've yet to really get to the root of why I feel that way. If it's because I subconsciously hold onto it or if it feels like too much effort and I'm drained just thinking about confronting all those feelings. Either way it works and I'm thankful for it.

I've definitely noticed that sometimes this sub can have me waking up in a really bad mood. Like I'll feel the weight of everything that was dragged up and need to let it go. I think my problem is that I start mixing those emotions in with my current situation and suddenly what was supposed to be released has been given new meaning so it tends to stick around.

And something that struck me was the belief that life has to be difficult or anything has to be difficult. Admittedly there is a certain satisfaction with overcoming an obstacle or something really difficult. But it seems like a lot of that is the ego. We want others to see how hard we worked at something and how strong we were or dedicated in the face of failure. People learn the lesson that things are difficult and the whole blood sweat and tears thing, it gets passed along and anything to the contrary is viewed as lucky or that the person never really knew the value of hard work.

Beliefs such as these, have a basis in reality, but at the same time I wonder is it really necessary? It's like if you don't struggle then somehow you are looked upon as a person missing some kind of virtuous character trait. And I'm not saying that everyone should throw work ethic out the window, you still have to be disciplined. But if everyone could see that at least 50% of the time we make things difficult for ourselves merely by expecting them to be there would be a shift. I'm starting to think that individuals who are really successful understand this. That there is work involved, but they aren't operating from the belief system that every second of the day will be filled with frustration and that failure is always around the corner. They understand their goal and they know they can reach it, they just have to do what they have to do to get there.

The more I start to work on these limiting beliefs, the more I realize that there's so much in our own heads that holds us back. But also that people want to reinforce these beliefs for some strange reason. Even if the proposed change is incredibly positive, it challenges what they know and they don't like that. There's so much pressure around us that can challenge our beliefs, I feel like I've had my beliefs deconstructed and reconstructed on numerous occasions and not always for the better.

[mat422]

I think I'm done with this subliminal for now. I've noticed a definite decrease in guilt and shame. It's helped me stop comparing myself to others and to just focus on bettering myself. I understand the hardships I've dealt with can't be judged by others because they haven't experienced them like me. It's easy to sit on the outside and give advice to others, but without the experience of what they feel you can't truly know how things might be more difficult. That whole spiderweb of guilt and shame that kept me in a cycle of depression has faded significantly.

As far as overcoming fear. I have noticed improvements. Fear existed in my mind like this wall almost. It was less of a physical feeling and more of a frustrated inability. Like I wanted to push forward, but my subconscious wouldn't let me. I've noticed there are things that don't bother me as much anymore. I feel like I'm not as consumed by this imaginary sense of things going wrong. It's just nice to be able to remove the unnecessary fear. I don't think it went as far as I would have liked it to go though. But I feel like maybe attacking things from a different angle would help.

One issue that I had was that I had very vivid and terrifying nightmares. The nightmares themselves didn't bother me, but I think the physiological effects of them left me drained the next day. Then any stress on top of that really did me in.

Anyway, I'm done with this sub. Gonna take a break for a week, or a few days then start alpha 2011 again. Been a while since I did that.