02-12-2013, 07:11 PM
Been reading that book my Dad got me. At first I didn't think there would be anything of value in it. I felt like I've been through it all. But sometimes it just takes one thing to be a catalyst to experience more change.
I've been thinking about my emotional state lately. Or just overall my state of thoughts and beliefs. I influence myself. My own state of being is my responsibility and my responsibility only. Happiness begins with the belief that I can be happy. If I can't accept that much then I am doomed to be miserable and stuck in the negative. My issue is that if I tell myself I can be happy, I have a knee jerk reaction to say that's false. But through a little experiment I realized just how powerful emotions can influence my own thoughts and beliefs. Instead of trying to say that I'm happy or prove it, I just asked myself what it would be like to be happy for no reason, to drop all the excuses and just accept what a state like that would feel like. And I felt it, I experienced it. So I just went back to the belief that I couldn't be happy and I realized that thought was in direct contradiction with what I experienced.
I realized that I sabotage myself. I'm a stubborn thick headed person at times. I constructed my own reality like a house without a door with me inside, I left myself no options. In a lot of ways it's just arrogance, I felt that I was right, that I was justified, and how dare anyone challenge me on my beliefs. I continually tell myself that beliefs aren't easily changed. And why do I do that? Only because that has been my experience. And also the experiences of thousands of others who say that you can't change who you are, that you need years of therapy, or that change is hard. I have no actual proof that any of those statements are true, I just accepted them as the truth.
There came a point when I stopped and asked myself. Why do I do this to myself? And the answer seemed to be that it was just the way it is, make the best of it and hope it gets better. It has taken up a large portion of my life. In a lot of ways it's all I've ever known, I feel like people told me it could be different but I never believed them.
And when I was growing up my parents told me I could be or do anything I wanted, that the sky was the limit. But over the years you get beat down by fear and at times incredible negativity from others that stings like a knife in the gut. And I stop and wonder, what's wrong with people aiming high? Too many people want to drag you down to their level because they themselves are afraid of failing so they never go for it. They'll tell you to get your head out of the clouds or to be realistic. Screw that, I'd rather fail doing something I love than settle for something and be unhappy.
And the other thing is when it comes to the depression and anxiety. These are things I have struggled with, they've caused me immense pain. I think my reluctance to just drop it all in one day is the fact that these things are tied to my past experiences. To just change one day, I'd feel like I was erasing a part of myself from my memories. I would feel guilty because a part of me deep down still believes that it's the truth and I'll never escape it.
I want to move to a state of being where I'm not battling my negative beliefs. Where I do believe, beyond any doubt, that I can be the person I want to be. I don't want to have to worry about slipping up and falling into depression. I don't want to keep trying to be happy, I just want to be happy. I want to be strong, powerful, confident, and I don't want to feel guilty about thinking I'm putting on an act. I want to be unaffected by anyone's negativity because of being at such a high level of knowing what's possible. And to do that I'm just going to start believing that it is possible, that it's not in the realm of fantasy, and I'll tackle each step along the way but without a doubt I'll get there.
I've been thinking about my emotional state lately. Or just overall my state of thoughts and beliefs. I influence myself. My own state of being is my responsibility and my responsibility only. Happiness begins with the belief that I can be happy. If I can't accept that much then I am doomed to be miserable and stuck in the negative. My issue is that if I tell myself I can be happy, I have a knee jerk reaction to say that's false. But through a little experiment I realized just how powerful emotions can influence my own thoughts and beliefs. Instead of trying to say that I'm happy or prove it, I just asked myself what it would be like to be happy for no reason, to drop all the excuses and just accept what a state like that would feel like. And I felt it, I experienced it. So I just went back to the belief that I couldn't be happy and I realized that thought was in direct contradiction with what I experienced.
I realized that I sabotage myself. I'm a stubborn thick headed person at times. I constructed my own reality like a house without a door with me inside, I left myself no options. In a lot of ways it's just arrogance, I felt that I was right, that I was justified, and how dare anyone challenge me on my beliefs. I continually tell myself that beliefs aren't easily changed. And why do I do that? Only because that has been my experience. And also the experiences of thousands of others who say that you can't change who you are, that you need years of therapy, or that change is hard. I have no actual proof that any of those statements are true, I just accepted them as the truth.
There came a point when I stopped and asked myself. Why do I do this to myself? And the answer seemed to be that it was just the way it is, make the best of it and hope it gets better. It has taken up a large portion of my life. In a lot of ways it's all I've ever known, I feel like people told me it could be different but I never believed them.
And when I was growing up my parents told me I could be or do anything I wanted, that the sky was the limit. But over the years you get beat down by fear and at times incredible negativity from others that stings like a knife in the gut. And I stop and wonder, what's wrong with people aiming high? Too many people want to drag you down to their level because they themselves are afraid of failing so they never go for it. They'll tell you to get your head out of the clouds or to be realistic. Screw that, I'd rather fail doing something I love than settle for something and be unhappy.
And the other thing is when it comes to the depression and anxiety. These are things I have struggled with, they've caused me immense pain. I think my reluctance to just drop it all in one day is the fact that these things are tied to my past experiences. To just change one day, I'd feel like I was erasing a part of myself from my memories. I would feel guilty because a part of me deep down still believes that it's the truth and I'll never escape it.
I want to move to a state of being where I'm not battling my negative beliefs. Where I do believe, beyond any doubt, that I can be the person I want to be. I don't want to have to worry about slipping up and falling into depression. I don't want to keep trying to be happy, I just want to be happy. I want to be strong, powerful, confident, and I don't want to feel guilty about thinking I'm putting on an act. I want to be unaffected by anyone's negativity because of being at such a high level of knowing what's possible. And to do that I'm just going to start believing that it is possible, that it's not in the realm of fantasy, and I'll tackle each step along the way but without a doubt I'll get there.
