01-31-2013, 10:06 AM
So yesterday I made some progress. In my bouts of depression I had trouble keeping myself from slipping further down. I realized it's because sometimes no matter what I do, it won't go away. Not in a permanent way, but more like you can't overcome it in just a few weeks. It's a process and as long as I keep going I chip away at it. It made me realize even if I felt bad, that's no reason to feel like all my efforts are pointless. Every little thing I do benefits me, even if I can't see it. And most importantly it's a transitional period, not something that I'm stuck with.
Then this morning I had a bizarre experience. Around 2 am I was in a state of dreaming but being conscious of my own body in my bed. Not sure how to describe it. Anyway, I had this pulse or sensation of sensitivity for a couple of minutes at the base of my tailbone. And simultaneously a powerful orgasmic sensation through my body. I woke up out of my dream in a state of what I can only describe as mania. I was unable to go back to sleep, I was full of this energy I couldn't understand. I understood with this knowing, some kind of absolute conviction about how individuals hold onto their problems. I was always more of a logical person, I had to understand something. But I realized the more you try to understand something, the more real it becomes. And consequently, it becomes a part of you whether you want to believe it or not. My attention was solely focused on depression and anxiety as part of me, they merged with my identity. There exists another part of myself, my true self you could say, that is not affected by these problems. And all it takes is letting go of these problems, because they aren't me and I have no use in holding onto them. But if you told me that a couple of weeks ago I would have held onto these problems tightly as it was all I knew and fear kept them in place.
That being said. I didn't have some grand epiphany where I've completely detached from these negative emotions and problems. But I can say the strong hold they seemed to have on me has decreased as well as my self defeating yet comforting habit of holding onto them as a form of identity.
Today I feel different. Prior to today I felt like I was in a fog or haze. But now there's this sense of clarity, a strange sensation that I'm frankly not even sure if normal people experience. If I expressed this to a psychologist or psychiatrist I feel like they would diagnose me as bipolar and put me on medication. But I'm not labeling this experience, I'm going to explore it and come to my own conclusions.
I want to think that it's all the subliminal. But I looked up the pulsating in the tailbone thing and apparently it's a symptom of kundalini awakening. Clearly the subliminal is doing something, but this additional experience is strange. I'm starting to think that the physical is linked to the spiritual, and the more you improve yourself in the physical, the more spiritual growth as well. Frankly I feel a little nuts, because if I explained this to any of my friends they'd think I went off the deep end.
Then this morning I had a bizarre experience. Around 2 am I was in a state of dreaming but being conscious of my own body in my bed. Not sure how to describe it. Anyway, I had this pulse or sensation of sensitivity for a couple of minutes at the base of my tailbone. And simultaneously a powerful orgasmic sensation through my body. I woke up out of my dream in a state of what I can only describe as mania. I was unable to go back to sleep, I was full of this energy I couldn't understand. I understood with this knowing, some kind of absolute conviction about how individuals hold onto their problems. I was always more of a logical person, I had to understand something. But I realized the more you try to understand something, the more real it becomes. And consequently, it becomes a part of you whether you want to believe it or not. My attention was solely focused on depression and anxiety as part of me, they merged with my identity. There exists another part of myself, my true self you could say, that is not affected by these problems. And all it takes is letting go of these problems, because they aren't me and I have no use in holding onto them. But if you told me that a couple of weeks ago I would have held onto these problems tightly as it was all I knew and fear kept them in place.
That being said. I didn't have some grand epiphany where I've completely detached from these negative emotions and problems. But I can say the strong hold they seemed to have on me has decreased as well as my self defeating yet comforting habit of holding onto them as a form of identity.
Today I feel different. Prior to today I felt like I was in a fog or haze. But now there's this sense of clarity, a strange sensation that I'm frankly not even sure if normal people experience. If I expressed this to a psychologist or psychiatrist I feel like they would diagnose me as bipolar and put me on medication. But I'm not labeling this experience, I'm going to explore it and come to my own conclusions.
I want to think that it's all the subliminal. But I looked up the pulsating in the tailbone thing and apparently it's a symptom of kundalini awakening. Clearly the subliminal is doing something, but this additional experience is strange. I'm starting to think that the physical is linked to the spiritual, and the more you improve yourself in the physical, the more spiritual growth as well. Frankly I feel a little nuts, because if I explained this to any of my friends they'd think I went off the deep end.
