I don't really know what's going on. It feels like OGSF is tearing me down and I don't know how to deal with it. As I said motivation for working out and martial arts training is very low. I had this week planned off for recovery, and the thought of working out on monday isn't enthusing me and it's like my passion for training has disappeared. I wonder if part of my motivation was fear, like "fear of being overweight like I used to be" and it was continually spurring me on. And for martial arts "fear of being attacked, or bullied or such" and struggling to connect with new positive reasons for both. But I have to do so, if my physical being goes back to shit then everything goes to shit.
Energy is quite low in general and been feeling weak. I can't say if it's OGSF doing stuff or acupuncture and chinese herbs causing it.
I also had a thought today that I need to explore more my REAL goals, like alot of the stuff I explore are my real goals, but in some ways fear and other baggage makes me think "ok I have to stay here because I can't imagine it possible being anywhere else, though ideally i'd be somewhere else" in one area.
Last night I had some strong intensity come up when I went to bed. I didn't fully cry but that's where it was heading. Like strong sadness coming up and my face reflexively screwing up and my eyes a bit watery but not able to let it get to the point of breakdown. I just tend to block it from that without meaning to, even if I want it to happen to process it. This also feels like part of this sabotage, stopping me from getting to the lowest point where I just am like "fuck it i'll do what I need to do" and it interrupts those intense emotions before it gets there, seemingly stopping it from processing.
Lasted about 3 weeks then another porn binge last night, after going out and just working to confront the emotions coming up around girls, breathing through it, letting myself feel it, mostly by imagining saying things to them and letting myself feel that intensity. What's funny is I went down the street before, half out of it and cloudy headed and the women serving me were really friendly in one shop, I usually do talk to them but one had a fly swat and another goes "hit him with it" and I said "you'll need a bigger one". She replied with "oh no it's not to hurt it's too excite". Now she's yuck and old but this is unusual, they are always friendly but haven't said anything like that.
Then in the supermarket I was sure this girl was really checking me out, but I just didn't care. And thinking about it the day after using porn this tends to happen sometimes. It's almost like temporarily the neediness is gone and I don't care, even if i'm feeling shit i'm not trying to get their attention or hoping they will look at me or whatever. Then a few days after generally I feel worse. That is weird.
Anyway, it seems whether I hide from the emotions or confront them I get a similar outcome. Tried several times to write and explore the issues and see what I come up with and get logical sounding things of why it's likely happening. But then the pattern happens again without thinking. And after i'm like "fuck, again.. couldn't I have just stopped before doing it and let myself feel it".. yes I could have, but that doesn't come to mind usually at the time.
Trying to keep on OGSF, still having thoughts of I need to do something to allow me to actually achieve goals instead of just fucking around. Like MM or US. The thing is I always keep thinking "something is coming, a breakthrough is coming" especially when there's alot of resistance, but then not much ends up happening. "Maybe if I use it a bit longer" the thing is i've been saying these things for a very long time and my experience has shown me it's not true, but I keep having to hold on as I won't accept the option to just give up and stop trying as that could easily lead me to really let things goto shit.
Also most notable is when listening on my mp3 player plugged into speakers i'd have wildly varying urges of autoconfig. Sometimes like 6 or 8 loops then back down to 1. Listening on my phone so far only 1 day I had the urge to listen for an hour, then the next day back to 40 minutes. Other than that sticking to the days on/off with 40 minutes. I wonder if it was the volume not being anywhere near right and my mind trying to make up for that by doing a huge amount of loops.
Energy is quite low in general and been feeling weak. I can't say if it's OGSF doing stuff or acupuncture and chinese herbs causing it.
I also had a thought today that I need to explore more my REAL goals, like alot of the stuff I explore are my real goals, but in some ways fear and other baggage makes me think "ok I have to stay here because I can't imagine it possible being anywhere else, though ideally i'd be somewhere else" in one area.
Last night I had some strong intensity come up when I went to bed. I didn't fully cry but that's where it was heading. Like strong sadness coming up and my face reflexively screwing up and my eyes a bit watery but not able to let it get to the point of breakdown. I just tend to block it from that without meaning to, even if I want it to happen to process it. This also feels like part of this sabotage, stopping me from getting to the lowest point where I just am like "fuck it i'll do what I need to do" and it interrupts those intense emotions before it gets there, seemingly stopping it from processing.
Lasted about 3 weeks then another porn binge last night, after going out and just working to confront the emotions coming up around girls, breathing through it, letting myself feel it, mostly by imagining saying things to them and letting myself feel that intensity. What's funny is I went down the street before, half out of it and cloudy headed and the women serving me were really friendly in one shop, I usually do talk to them but one had a fly swat and another goes "hit him with it" and I said "you'll need a bigger one". She replied with "oh no it's not to hurt it's too excite". Now she's yuck and old but this is unusual, they are always friendly but haven't said anything like that.
Then in the supermarket I was sure this girl was really checking me out, but I just didn't care. And thinking about it the day after using porn this tends to happen sometimes. It's almost like temporarily the neediness is gone and I don't care, even if i'm feeling shit i'm not trying to get their attention or hoping they will look at me or whatever. Then a few days after generally I feel worse. That is weird.
Anyway, it seems whether I hide from the emotions or confront them I get a similar outcome. Tried several times to write and explore the issues and see what I come up with and get logical sounding things of why it's likely happening. But then the pattern happens again without thinking. And after i'm like "fuck, again.. couldn't I have just stopped before doing it and let myself feel it".. yes I could have, but that doesn't come to mind usually at the time.
Trying to keep on OGSF, still having thoughts of I need to do something to allow me to actually achieve goals instead of just fucking around. Like MM or US. The thing is I always keep thinking "something is coming, a breakthrough is coming" especially when there's alot of resistance, but then not much ends up happening. "Maybe if I use it a bit longer" the thing is i've been saying these things for a very long time and my experience has shown me it's not true, but I keep having to hold on as I won't accept the option to just give up and stop trying as that could easily lead me to really let things goto shit.
Also most notable is when listening on my mp3 player plugged into speakers i'd have wildly varying urges of autoconfig. Sometimes like 6 or 8 loops then back down to 1. Listening on my phone so far only 1 day I had the urge to listen for an hour, then the next day back to 40 minutes. Other than that sticking to the days on/off with 40 minutes. I wonder if it was the volume not being anywhere near right and my mind trying to make up for that by doing a huge amount of loops.
