OGSF 2.0 - Shameless

[Ampersnd]

Hey y'all,
I started my membership this evening. 
Just finished my 6th month in EHPRA and made significant gains. I also ran Overcoming Fear 5.11G a couple of years ago and that's helped significantly, too.
I wanted to continue down the recommended path of emotional self-health to focus on the following areas:
1) Money: I want to make more; somewhere down the road, I'll need to make more money.
2) Career/Brand: I want to make huge strides in my online persona and appearance
3) Women, Dating, and Sex: I made significant progress through EHPRA and now approach dating with a light heart.
Since April, I've been writing a book; and while I'm 85-90% done, this project has placed all three on the backburner.

Here's where I believe that Guilt and Shame are influencing my results in the above three areas:

1. Money:
   

• Guilt: I probably have some associations of "money = Monopoly asshole" or "money for me = others don't get to have it", and since other people are poor and starving, I'd be directly responsible.
  
• Shame: This might be a worthiness issue; that I don't believe - deep down - that I'm truly worth 6 figures or more.
  
• I might also have shame toward being 32 and not having my career off the ground yet (I made a career change at 30).
  
• I might also have shame about not having a successful business, despite having started a couple; I believe that guilt/shame has me passively avoiding business efforts and successes for this reason.
  

1. 2. Career and Brand:

• Guilt: Not sure
  
• Shame: I believe that I'm scared to put myself out there and be judged; that I'll believe what my critics will say about me.
  

1. 3. Women, Dating, and Sex

1. Since getting rid of some bitterness and guardedness, I'm exposed to a whole bunch of new insecurities, that I believe my inner drive (back when) covered them up. Now, they're "exposed" and at the surface.Also, I'm on month 11 of a voluntary break off all dating or sex; it's longer than I expected, but it's had some surprising results.For one, my beard is going grey; I'm looking a bit older, and I've phased out of my aggressive athletics, probably because it isn't culminating into anything. I was surprised that when I see the hot early 20-somethings, I feel a bit shady for it. I've consumed a lot of Caleb Jones, who talks about dating younger women, and I told myself that I would never feel an ounce of badness about dating a 23 year old at 33, but now that it's time to put up, I'm getting cold feet. Then, I have a lightheartedness about life and dating in general; I think that I've made peace about life's unfairness and have a "grasp loosely" philosophy to things. I believe that this has made me relax much more and has given me some for of charisma.

• Guilt: That I'd be misusing women's time and intentions if I date them. That there will be pressures from society, her friends, her family, my family for me to "do the right thing", especially as a "grown man in his thirties." In my twenties, there probably wasn't that same time-based pressure.
  
• Shame: That I'd be judged for approaching a woman. It's the whole perception of approaching - the room sees it, feels it, judges you for it, and labels you harshly. 
  
• The removal of emotional traumas - from EHPRA - also removed an emotional callous - where I would feel nothing for being rejected; but now, it feels different. I feel myself being evasive when the idea bubbles up to talk to a woman. I just don't know how to keep things interesting without being a jester.
  
• I've also accidentally started conversations with girls under 18, and though I've gotten good at sprinkling in a gauge for their age early in the conversation, it feels disgraceful when it's happened. Yes, it's a mistake, and it doesn't help that I'm trying to gauge age from a distance and get over my own inner experience of going up to talk to a stranger, but I figured that this issue would never happen at my age.  
  
• I probably have age-related shame, surprising as that might be.
  
• Another unrelated issue - that I intend on fixing - is getting very aroused the first few minutes of sex. It's distracting to worry about pacing yourself and not cumming too fast, which makes it tough to enjoy sex. I'll be working on pelvic floor exercises soon, and follow some sort of regimen.
  

[Ampersnd]

Day 1,

For about five minutes after turning on the track, my solar plexus area began filling up with a feeling of nausea. I managed myself and got myself to sleep.
Waking up was a little rough; spent the first 30 minutes in my office / on the job with blurry eyesight from not being 100% awake.

Later on, have been having a flood of ideas pour in for my conversational framework; basically, a rhetoric guide for myself in debates.
Perhaps I'm giving myself more permission to cut to the heart of the issue.

[Frosted]

Good luck!

[Ampersnd]

Day 3,

Had a dream where a friend of mine died and I was at the funeral.
I woke up and that's where I had some of the residual grief. Then, I clued in that this friend was still alive and started to feel better.

I remember having a dream like that -about 7-8 years ago - where my mother was in a hospital on life support, then I woke up and felt hopeless and grief; that was the same day that I learned that this singer/YouTuber Christina Grimmie was killed at a fan meetup, and the day that my singing teacher had this going-away event; I was emotional and mopey all day.

Had a friend take his life at age 17; I was 18. It really affected me back then and probably has for years after the fact. I'm wondering if that is coming loose.

I should go message my friend now and show him some appreciation.

[Ampersnd]

Day 4,

I'm having to write my dream from 18 hours ago.
Funny enough; my dreams are getting stranger.
Here is that dream: Met this redheaded cuttie in a co-ed bathroom, funny enough. Her name was Quinn. We hit it off amazingly; she's kind and flirty. When it comes time to exchange information, she insists on using a certain instant messaging app.

I look it up in front of her and it's an app that costs 20 bucks a month to use; this bish must have been one tier above OnlyFans cause I was simping super hard and was half tempted to pay for it so that I could message her.
In my waking life, I've never paid for that service because I think it's stupid.
But I made the connection in my mind that it was a sham love "connection" and let it go. Don't remember much more after that.

[Ampersnd]

Day 5,

I believe that I've rounded a corner. Instead of trying to tighten the belt and avoid purchases and cut, and tell myself that I "don't need that" and that XYZ is "not important," I'm starting to become much more amenable to adding these frills and luxuries to my life, and to afford it by more meaningfully engaging in business and money-making.
Instead of feel like I'm superior for not being materialistic and pursuing these things, I'm now more neutral (at least) on the topic.

I believe that I've unconsciously re-geared my perspective toward business and making money. It's like; yeah, offer a service/product and do the best you can. Living costs money, and it's super reasonable to charge a fair price to recoup your energy and efforts needed to sell/fulfill. If you can swing it, then why not sell as much as you can?
If you're not preying on their last dollar and are offering something that benefits them, then why feel badly about it?

I've always been super uncomfortable while in "business mode" because of this inner debate about the value of my time and my services.

No awkwardness; getting along with the salespeople and tellers very well. Some good conversation and banter.

I do feel a bit weird about my greying beard when it comes to chasing women.
There are virtually zero women at the mall in the age-range I want (25-30) that were interesting to me; makes sense, as why would they hang out at the mall alone?

[Ampersnd]

Day 7, (running 7th loop tonight)

Noticing certain drawbacks so far in my OGSF playthrough.

* Waking up is rougher and a slower process
* My mental abilities are considerably more sluggish. Productivity is reduced.
* I'm noticing that I'm replaying pithy things that I've said during my family reunion and feeling guilty over it
* I'm thinking about trying to break my dry spell and feeling a germophobia and clean-freakness; it's hilarious because I didn't give a crap even a year ago.
* Feeling not worthy of dating or sleeping around because of XYZ; my apartment set up or my haircut not being 100% right; again, hilarious.

[Ampersnd]

Very interesting.
I see this goth-ish looking girl that I bump into at the gym once in a while; she works there.
I had been wanting to ask her out, but I always had this shame of "I'm too old for her" and that it would be weird and awkward.
She is in uni, so she must be 21/22.

Our exchange when like this:
* 2 minute conversation *
Me: "Say, would it make sense if we traded Instagrams?
Her: "Well, it depends on what you intentions are?"
Me: "I mean, I think you're really interesting and I'd like to get you know you better"
Her: "That's nice, but I do have a boyfriend, so.."
Me: "Sure, I understand. No problem; we can always share our accounts platonically, but I'll leave that up to you."
Her: "Well (hesitating), I'll let you know next time we see each other" (which is occasional).
Me: Play it off, say bye and part ways.

Based on the content, I assume it's a polite no, so I'm not holding out for anything.
Very even-keeled reaction to the "rejection" too; I didn't seem to care that this happened.
Just so interesting how I got over that initial shame; and if someone challenged me on a 10 year age gap, I wouldn't feel too weird about it, as long as she's got a good head on her shoulders and isn't annoying or immature. Then again, who says that I'm looking for the most serious of serious relationships?

[Ampersnd]

Day 8,

Once this new squeamishness about sex and a woman's past sexual partners goes away - a very new occurrence - I'll be dangerous.
Libido has been up a lot these past couple of days.

I feel like my face has aged 5 years in the past year; before noon, I look above thirty, and after noon, I look under thirty.

[Ampersnd]

Day 9,

Libido increasing; much clearer and guilt-free visualizations. In the past, I would get distracted from seeing what I wanted and feeling like I had it.
My emotional state is varying a lot. I'll feel aroused, then sentimental, then joyful. It's not too bad, but it's more than I'm used to.

I'm fantasizing about all these women that I'd want to have a roll in the hay with, whether they're in a relationship or not.

[Ampersnd]

Day 11,

I'm *almost* done with a book I've been working on for the past 4.5 months. Literally, 4 months and 14 days.
The rest is just about up to my illustrator, then a final formatting pass.

I'm getting the premonition that I'm onto something massive. Major shifts to come.

[Ampersnd]

Day 14,

I'm in a transitional period with my book; it's good enough to put the final polish and send to the presses, but I'm waiting on my illustrator for some internal images, so I'm working the intros and conclusions of the chapters so that they lead into the next thing. Book cover completely done.

Resumed my loop yesterday.
Just noticed now that on Sunday and Monday (1/2 days ago), two different men with whom I've had voice calls were a bit more short with me. One was my dad. Nothing major, but noticeable. Might be a coincidence.

Was brought to tears by reading the lyrics of an Audioslave song. I'm getting sensitive from doing the inner emotional work.

Been putting in more effort into singing/belting; some backwards progress from applying the 'correct' technique.

[Ampersnd]

Day 16,

It's almost comical how much running this subliminal for bed, in addition to an attempt to prime my mind for a visualization/manifestation technique, knocks me right out. I'm not even able to get to the visualizing part.

[Ampersnd]

Day 17,

I'm getting that emotional impact of being placed "on the spot"; I'm reliving some moments 10+ years ago where I made a throwaway comment but it fell flat, and I'm feeling the cringe feeling from back then. I haven't had those memories in ages.
Thankfully, it's most likely a sign of dealing with the underlying feelings.