OFv3 the sequel

[Z-Man]

June 7 1 loop over night

Woke up like a zombie. Fear spikes and semi panic attacks this morning. I know its parts of me, as when I was training, some sadness kicked in, to which I didnt have readon to. Some parts are no lomger able to resist, I can sense OF chip away.

I notice im always "in set" meaning, from the get goI build raport effortlessly, flawlessly. No hesitation.

Horniness through the roof. The world is mine.

Girl at the gym gave a whole striptease away. Wherever I went, whatever I did, she was making sure to be in my vision. I get it, it is warm, but this had some DMSI qualities to it, possible TID?? Idk. Dont really care,appreciate it simply.

I can feel the heat boost my testostorone. Also, countless amount of attractive women in my reality ( as it should )

I no longer have this weird fear of showing my physique going on. I put in the work, look above average, toned, lines, all that, and yet used to feel shame. No more. Now im going in public, am horny af, and want to go to the beach. What a difference  what a change.

Hey Kol, 1 loop and your zombie? Are you doing Hybrid? Striptease at the gym sounds nice, did you take it all in. Are the 10 more relax in your country? They can be stuck-up here in NY.

[Kol]

Yes, 1 loop hybrid. Dont know why it impacted in such a way. General heaviness, fogginess. Maybe my earlier loops before 2 day break where still processing.

Yeah, about the striptease thing, it was something that stood out but I noticed absolute disinterest from my side. To masculine. What she did was giving full crotchviews, constant following to where I was going. Eventually she was in front of me in just a bra and shorts,, highly reveiling. The gym was almost completely empty.

They can be stuck up here aswell,depending on the woman. I know when to walk away from that.

[Kol]

Quick update: finances are improving clearly. Its so m satisfying that OF is dealing with that. Very optimistic.

[Kol]

June 18 2 loops hybrid last night

After the result I got from 1 loop hybrid, I went with 2 last night to shake things up with the intent to override resistance or whatever. Now, at the gym I was avoidant and in my head. Yet this time I realized it instead of getting stuck in solving mode trying to escape it. Still I was avoidant yet managed to talk to some people, which was a positive.

[Kol]

June 20 1 loop hybrid over night day something something

Girl at the gym after finishing training started talking me up. Her vibe was one of interest. I dont get why people are forcing this. When you know, you know, its utterly effortless. She opened with "you have muscle aches?" Her vibe man..her damn vibe. Mediteranian girl, probably some turkish in it, but could be bothered to ask lol. We clicked. It wasnt trashy or anything at all, just clicking in the right way.

Point is, she opened me, made it easy and our dynamic was on point. Can help but assume dynamic. Always been that way. Couples dynamic.its funny because this type of thing had onlookers believe in the past that we were bf/gf when it came to girls while we just met.

[Kol]

Im also wakimg up early and productive as of late. The moment I open my eyes I HAVE to get out. I have also this sort of restlessness going on, in which I have to move or I feel getting behind. Like I should be doing something, but what? Massive expectations as if I am judging from societies perspective? I realized im being hard on myself and put lots on my fork aswell as putting lots of pressure on myself, as if being judged and punished for it. This is the kind of thing, when triggered, drives me obsessed and then in the end, at critical mass, simply implodes. Fear of nothingness. Heh. When you are nothing, you are unlimited.

Its kinda funny, because when I let go of this, creativity flows, yet I seem to slip back, still.

Another thing is, when I was driving home, I felt the music through my whole body. I was smiling, enjoying it highly.

[Kol]

June 21 - 2 loops ultrasonic over night.

My bodylanguage is erect, I feel literally taller.

Had a traffic jam this morning, which had me impatient at times, which is fine. Saw an elder lady trying to pass. Told myself good luck. I didnt know what it was about, turns out she was on her way to someone she knew. She went by foot after another car forced her to drive reverse. After I saw her talk with other drivers and she was next to mine, I started conversation with her, simply employing her to figure out what was going on. 0 hesitation and we chatted for a while. It turned out to be an accident. Huuuge traffic jam. Conclusion of this? Your network is already all around you, people are simply scared to employ people and use people like this. They rather stay reserved. Not surprised when you hear the mantra since childhood "dont talk to strangers" i could tell that this lady afterwards was thinking "what just happened?" Lol.

Called in at work to notify I was later then usual. Was told "if you are jammed for more then half an hour, turn around. Yeahhh...fuck that..I decided to show up anyway instead of turning around.

At work, N was working her last day. She was asking all kinds of questions, re-engaging all that. Wont be surprised if she hits me up later via social media.
Im starting to think this "i dont care" is covert fear due to false self-image beliefs. She is friends with "J", nice curves all that. It was hit or miss when she worked officially at my work, but ive grown since she left. Attraction was evident.

With a collegue of mine, we had to pick up another girl. Maybe its due her past, idk. But she talked about it being cold on the bike ( its summer here, 25-30 degrees celcius ) she proceeds to place her hand on my arm, so I could feel. Told her "your hands are cold" then she went on that she has seen me before etc, trying to get me remember. Never talked to her. Zero hesitation from her side to touch. Touch used to be a thing for me before, albeit very light, but I had 0 tensing response. Interesting.

Banter is improving. I talk shit, make jokes, all that. IDGAF..OF also seems to create an aura of comfort for women. My attitude makes or breaks interactions. I notuce the difference between being loud, bold, erect in posture, versus these working through parts of OF, that has me less like this. Different responses.

Im getting ok with inner work and focus on healing. OF is stripping away my mask of appearing stable, thus invalidating this time for myself and denying it out of fear of judgment, rejection, ending up/being alone/lonely. Im also more accepting in the sense of "its normal as im running OF, part of the process" instead of getting scated and engaging in mental gymnastics.

Im more engaging at the gym with people I see regularly. Its great. Owning the place wherever I am and go. I see no reason not to. Its pretty easy actually. I used to see gym as mere meditation and be closed off, and thats fine. But actually talking with people can be just as healing. Its like snapping out of bs. Out of your defensiveness.

Dealt with some things, like the appointment to have my yearly car checkup, which I procrastinated on aswell as some other things. My attitude is "F*ck it, do it anyway"

Today is a good day.

[Kol]

2 loops US over night june 24

Im seeing through manipulation and it pisses me off. It simply clicked/I simply saw it.

Im seeking to be surrounded by masters, like minded people. Given, Im already learning tons from different mentors I have in my life, but at the same time, you have to be able to let people go, even if it is perceived as cold. You get one life, dont fuck it up. ( not sure where that came from )

I notice im thinking to small. Im moving to grander vision, outside the box. It simply dawned on me how petty some things are, that I gave ny attention to. I do blame sociery in part as it conditions you, seeing the constant war being waged on people.

Also, im done with certain people/businesses. Imagine being helpfull for the last 7 years, and when you request a favor, it suddenly becomes an issue. I will call those motherfuckers out on that. Same goesfor the bs of "women approach is rare" no it isnt. They dont give a fuck. It might be indirect, but people make it a mystical mythical rarity, which only sabotages them. My experience is flooded and its effortless till the point of "ok, done, now what do you want?" Enflame thy passions. Its fire through these veins.

[Kol]

Monday june 27- 2 loops masked trickling stream.

Last couple of days where brutal. Dealing with resentment, betrayal, anger, rage, violent impulses.. now im sorta good, but my fuse is still very short. 1 thing can have it go from a zero to 100 in a splitsecond. There is also guilt, loathing even I guess. Guilt, yes, loathing? Inclined to say yes. It brought on some sense of "completely losing my shit" like trauma. The whole dream vibe, derealisation qualities.

This morning I had a call, related to the former post, and they brought something up that did set me off once again. I cussed them out, the woman on the phone told me "this aint an discussion" I didnt take it any longer. She called back to tell me green light has been given. I thanked her, yet noticed a sense of manipulation and detachment from me.

I have a lot of anger in my system. And I mean A LOT. The type of anger that turns inward and brings up guilt, programming, conditioning. am I entitled? One of my mentors, by his aura alone, has me more humbled. The anger, the emotions im working through seem almost permanent at times, never ending cycle of getting triggered and flip off like my mind wont shut off and keep replaying.

I slacked on gratitude practice, but these things, these waves of anger, keep coming having me go "fuck it" it feels fake to front now. Fronting, denying, supressing, ignoring.

Im sorta worried about the stress levels it brings. Im getting headaches, actually feel it poisoning me. Im trying to get in touch with these parts, the anger and rage. To find relief, but find myself attached to the rage, ironically. Guess it has to do with a sense of powerlessness, apathy. Like a doormat.

It has me drawn to watching documentaries. Jeffrey dahmer, ted bundy, richard ramirez. Probably because it is the polar opposite. And weirdly enough, there is a resonance. Part of me wonder what it is like. Maybe I got bpd, I dont know. Definitely some childhood trauma.

I just want to stop giving a fuck and simply live. Im done feeling fake. Im done feeling myself invalidating, as if striving to be toothless is something to strive for. Then again, maybe im attached to suffering because it gives a sense of validation and being special.

The whole entitlement thing, going about what needs to be done, it brings rage and homicidal impulses to the forefront. At times I wonder if Im going to really snap and if it would be better to be behind bars, because it is tempting. I dont even want to adress it. Why? Because I despise being conformist and weak. Attachment. Hack the system. Its there fir a reason.

[Kol]

It dawns on me it is attachment. Wow.

[Johannesbrst]

Kol, you must excuse me if I'm totally wrong here, but I felt like I wanted to write you a few lines.

I've been following your journal for a while, and one thing I've reflected upon when reading your latest post is that your perspective is often involving how other people perceive you, even if not obvious, that's the impression I get.

I can empathize with this, as I have been trying to move my life from an "forced-extrovert"-life to having the option to keep to myself, more or less, all day if I want, and only socialize when I feel like I want to.

That has given me the breathing room to find the way into myself, and find a footing which I can more easily gravitate back to when I start to feel myself deviate toward focusing to much on other people's impression of me rather than my experience of life and the emotions that emerge within me.

Just though I would share a few words about this. OF has helped a lot with this, and perhaps have done you some good in the directions you are needing to find inner balance. All the best, hope it didn't came trough as nosy or arrogant.

[Kol]

Oh yes, that makes sense and you are right. Its funny you bring this up because that is also sort of where I am at. I have a tendency to lose my centre, and last night I made a conscious effort to choose and embrace my ego. It brought almost instant relief.

Actually, through OF I had an awesome bday 2 weeks ago, something I didnt care about before. Also, im writing in a way for myself to reflect on. To make sense and find grounding. Im not going to lie, my head is a complete mess atm.

No, you are not nosy or arrogant, I appreciate you chiming in, dont worry about that.

[Z-Man]

Monday june 27-  2 loops masked trickling stream.

Last couple of days where brutal. Dealing with resentment, betrayal, anger, rage, violent impulses.. now im sorta good, but my fuse is still very short. 1 thing can have it go from a zero to 100 in a splitsecond. There is also guilt, loathing even I guess. Guilt, yes, loathing? Inclined to say yes. It brought on some sense of "completely losing my shit" like trauma. The whole dream vibe, derealisation qualities.

This morning I had a call, related to the former post, and they brought something up that did set me off once again. I cussed them out, the woman on the phone told me "this aint an discussion" I didnt take it any longer. She called back to tell me green light has been given. I thanked her, yet noticed a sense of manipulation and detachment from me.

I have a lot of anger in my system. And I mean A LOT. The type of anger that turns inward and brings up guilt, programming, conditioning. am I entitled? One of my mentors, by his aura alone, has me more humbled. The anger, the emotions im working through seem almost permanent at times, never ending cycle of getting triggered and flip off like my mind wont shut off and keep replaying.

I slacked on gratitude practice, but these things, these waves of anger, keep coming having me go "fuck it"  it feels fake to front now. Fronting, denying, supressing, ignoring.

Im sorta worried about the stress levels it brings. Im getting headaches, actually feel it poisoning me. Im trying to get in touch with these parts, the anger and rage. To find relief, but find myself attached to the rage, ironically. Guess it has to do with a sense of powerlessness, apathy. Like a doormat.

It has me drawn to watching documentaries. Jeffrey dahmer, ted bundy, richard ramirez. Probably because it is the polar opposite. And weirdly enough, there is a resonance. Part of me wonder what it is like. Maybe I got bpd, I dont know. Definitely some childhood trauma.

I just want to stop giving a fuck and simply live. Im done feeling fake. Im done feeling myself invalidating, as if striving to be toothless is something to strive for. Then again, maybe im attached to suffering because it gives a sense of validation and being special.

The whole entitlement thing, going about what needs to be done, it brings rage and homicidal impulses to the forefront. At times I wonder if Im going to really snap and if it would be better to be behind bars, because it is tempting. I dont even want to adress it. Why? Because I despise being conformist and weak. Attachment. Hack the system. Its there fir a reason.

I know how you feel Kol, I use to be made at the world, circumstances, people and especially bosses lately. Since this pandemic and looking for a job. Landed 2 jobs one I like and fired because they made up false accusations and the second one was because they lack training and only wanted me to learn in in 1-2 days. I been hating the job market. But, I realized that was not in my control because I can't control people, jobs or circumstances. I am powerless over that. 
I had to learn that it is okay to feel angry and not fight it. Just ask questions like does me being angry served me going forward and the answer is "NO" When you are feeling angry you can try taking a making a fist and put all you angry in it until it subsides and they will feel better. Or close you eyes and see your angry child self and your adult self walk over to him, give him a hug and say every thing will be okay. 
Sometimes you have to give yourself what you need that other people won't give you.

I hope that will help!  Hope your OF sequel is going well......

[Kol]

Yeah, OF is going fine. It was a sense of hetrayal and a falling for manipulation/sweet words that kicked me off. It a lesson. Am working on that. Feeling way better since. Reason was also completely out of the window, mind stuck on repeat. Im familiar with inner child work but I was in a state that had me forget that, and I would probably reject that.