09-05-2020, 04:00 AM
@reki Thanks man, I appreciate it.
Round 9 - Day 5,
I have been experiencing lots of ups and downs in my emotions lately. I felt inspired to happy for a part-time job, and everything was going well and then I found out about logistics and realised I wouldn't be able to get back home, I had a call planned with the manager and I said I would start straight away, but then found out the logistics and was in a real big indecisive dilemma as I could see lots of pros and cons to taking the job, I seriously did know what to do. I didn't know if my reasons were valid or if I was backing out of it for other reasons, my emotions made me cloudy and super indecisive. In the end, I didn't phone him but just messages the guy as that is how we were exchanging messages beforehand (I was the one that suggested a phone call), I just said to him I won't be able to get back home as there is no trains or busses running at 12:30 am, which is a fact. He replied back what if you finished at 12:00 am, but I told him there are no trains at that time, and the last bus is at 22:30.... and that was the end of that. I was surprised how is shook up all my emotions and I got huge anxiety over it. After I send the messages and it was done with I did feel a weight off my shoulders, but I didn't feel 100% right.
I ended up joining a gym even though it is out of my budget, but I have to do my strength training, just for personal sanity and wellbeing, I have been feeling it since I haven't trained in 4 weeks. I tried some bodyweight training at home, but it just doesn't cut it in terms of the feeling I get and my goals.
As I have been feeling weird lately in regards to lots of things, pretty much my whole life. Last night in bed my partner said something to me and it made me dislike her and we had a little burst of tension between us, I even said out loud to my self and to her as she was next to me, in frustration "Why did I get into this situation with you!" obviously referring to moving in together etc. I then couldn't find my phone and was trying to find it on the bed and she was getting annoyed with me and threw a few names at me, when I finally found my phone I put on my sleephones and went to sleep eventually, after feeling a lot of mixed negative emotions, it took me a while to calm down. I was going over in how I can get out of this, I could just leave.....but we have a 6-month contract. I then contemplated moving into shared student accommodation and with contemplating that I started feeling some relief, of being able to get out of this situation for numerous reasons. In the morning my mind was on it again and going over everything and pretty much feeling the idea of moving out. Eventually, I said to my partner, do you want me just move out? and she said you can do what you want, I said would you be able to hold your own with this place and she said obviously not, I said well we just have to put up with each other for 6 months then, I then turned over to sleep much much much more. We haven't spoken today since. I mean if anything by 6 months we will know and have the option to go our separate ways. I can't believe I am saying all this, to be honest, all this is just so surreal.
Obviously my partner has lots and lots of positive qualities, and us being together has wonderful qualities but at this moment I only focusing on the opposite. But just for the record and being honest, these things are happening in my mind:
I have a feeling of wanting to have sex with other women, I literally see other women out there (ones I find attractive) and inside I am thinking/feeling I would love to have sex with that.
If we both went our separate ways, I would be free, I would only have to put up with myself.
In regards to university, in the 3rd year I could freely go study abroad.
I am 32 and this all could be grass is greener on the other side sort of thing. But I know these things are what is causing my resistance.
On the flip side:
There have been lots of moments where we feel really connected with one another.
Believe it or not, she is my best and only true friend.
When everything is good between us, we feel like a good team.
There are lots of things where we get and understand each other, and it is balanced out with things in opposition, which allows for growth.
Sex is good and she is always up for it, but on my side, I don't think I will be able to ever get rid of that feeling of wanting something new and "fresh".
I was married once in my early 20s, for 4 years. We lived together with my parents. When that ended it was pretty rough emotionally for quite a while, took me quite a bit of time to get over it. But I was the one that wanted to end it, but it still hurt and took me a while to get over it. I just don't want to make the same mistake or go through all that again.
Round 9 - Day 5,
I have been experiencing lots of ups and downs in my emotions lately. I felt inspired to happy for a part-time job, and everything was going well and then I found out about logistics and realised I wouldn't be able to get back home, I had a call planned with the manager and I said I would start straight away, but then found out the logistics and was in a real big indecisive dilemma as I could see lots of pros and cons to taking the job, I seriously did know what to do. I didn't know if my reasons were valid or if I was backing out of it for other reasons, my emotions made me cloudy and super indecisive. In the end, I didn't phone him but just messages the guy as that is how we were exchanging messages beforehand (I was the one that suggested a phone call), I just said to him I won't be able to get back home as there is no trains or busses running at 12:30 am, which is a fact. He replied back what if you finished at 12:00 am, but I told him there are no trains at that time, and the last bus is at 22:30.... and that was the end of that. I was surprised how is shook up all my emotions and I got huge anxiety over it. After I send the messages and it was done with I did feel a weight off my shoulders, but I didn't feel 100% right.
I ended up joining a gym even though it is out of my budget, but I have to do my strength training, just for personal sanity and wellbeing, I have been feeling it since I haven't trained in 4 weeks. I tried some bodyweight training at home, but it just doesn't cut it in terms of the feeling I get and my goals.
As I have been feeling weird lately in regards to lots of things, pretty much my whole life. Last night in bed my partner said something to me and it made me dislike her and we had a little burst of tension between us, I even said out loud to my self and to her as she was next to me, in frustration "Why did I get into this situation with you!" obviously referring to moving in together etc. I then couldn't find my phone and was trying to find it on the bed and she was getting annoyed with me and threw a few names at me, when I finally found my phone I put on my sleephones and went to sleep eventually, after feeling a lot of mixed negative emotions, it took me a while to calm down. I was going over in how I can get out of this, I could just leave.....but we have a 6-month contract. I then contemplated moving into shared student accommodation and with contemplating that I started feeling some relief, of being able to get out of this situation for numerous reasons. In the morning my mind was on it again and going over everything and pretty much feeling the idea of moving out. Eventually, I said to my partner, do you want me just move out? and she said you can do what you want, I said would you be able to hold your own with this place and she said obviously not, I said well we just have to put up with each other for 6 months then, I then turned over to sleep much much much more. We haven't spoken today since. I mean if anything by 6 months we will know and have the option to go our separate ways. I can't believe I am saying all this, to be honest, all this is just so surreal.
Obviously my partner has lots and lots of positive qualities, and us being together has wonderful qualities but at this moment I only focusing on the opposite. But just for the record and being honest, these things are happening in my mind:
I have a feeling of wanting to have sex with other women, I literally see other women out there (ones I find attractive) and inside I am thinking/feeling I would love to have sex with that.
If we both went our separate ways, I would be free, I would only have to put up with myself.
In regards to university, in the 3rd year I could freely go study abroad.
I am 32 and this all could be grass is greener on the other side sort of thing. But I know these things are what is causing my resistance.
On the flip side:
There have been lots of moments where we feel really connected with one another.
Believe it or not, she is my best and only true friend.
When everything is good between us, we feel like a good team.
There are lots of things where we get and understand each other, and it is balanced out with things in opposition, which allows for growth.
Sex is good and she is always up for it, but on my side, I don't think I will be able to ever get rid of that feeling of wanting something new and "fresh".
I was married once in my early 20s, for 4 years. We lived together with my parents. When that ended it was pretty rough emotionally for quite a while, took me quite a bit of time to get over it. But I was the one that wanted to end it, but it still hurt and took me a while to get over it. I just don't want to make the same mistake or go through all that again.
