OF - Fluffy Journal

[Fluffy]

Out of the above, my girlfriend knows that I have felt, feel this stuff around these topics, apart from the big weewee one as I have just never mentioned it for whatever reason that is. We have talked about this stuff, as we are really close and we do have a genuine relationship and it does feel pretty healthy and I do genuinely trust her, love her and want to be with her and I know deeply that she wants to be with me, she trusts me and we see a long term future together, as we are planning to move across the country and move in together as I start a degree in September.

Do you really think you can "genuinely trust her" and you can have these fears and insecurities at the same time?  Because I have news for you.  Fear does not result from genuine trust.  

Give it some time with OF, and you'll start seeing the magnolia unfold.

Yeah, I see your point. They cannot occupy the same space. I suppose when these fears come up in the moment I perceive something negative and give it a negative meaning and thus my trust is not there. What I mean to say, I trust her as a person overall when I am not being triggered. Obviously, when I get triggered I don't. I don't feel this stuff 24/7 there are lots of moments where it is not there, but certain subjects trigger it. Since we have been together the majority of the time, I trust her. But it has to be said that just because I feel a lack of trust in regards to her, it does not mean she is actually untrustworthy, as I can also see how fear distorts my perception, thoughts and feelings, and a lot of this stuff is my own fears and insecurities and they are just imagined threats, even though they feel real. So I think on some level I know if I didn't have these I would trust her fully all the time. So in some weird way, it seems it is nothing to do with her, but it is me. The only way I will genuinely experience this fully, is if I remove the fears.

I also feel stuff being triggered not just from watching certain types of tv shows, (I have to avoid certain types) but even from scrolling through Netflix and seeing the covers of the movies and tv series, I can be triggered. Which is totally not normal. What is even more strange, I don't feel it when I scroll through Amazon Prime Video.  

If I didn't trust her at all, I wouldn't be in a relationship with her. I also know if anyone cheated on me, it is over, no going back. They have made their bed, they have shown their true colours, they have shown me who they really are and a partner that is unfaithful is not one of my preferences in a partner. Logically I can see that yeah it might hurt lots for quite a while especially if you love them etc but technically they have done me a favour because they have shown me who they really are. 

I will let you know how it goes, and thanks for your response Shannon, it allowed me to question how I am thinking and get some more clarity on this.