Mystic Life - LTU 5

[tolgaocal80]

Day 83

I feel like the honeymoon is over.

I've lost a lot of weight this run and I'm so happy about that but that feeling like I know I can go even further beyond is leaving me. As if my subconscious was saying "OK, you've gotten to the BMI 25 and that's enough". It's not enough, I wanna be fit, slim and healthy! So I will go further, even if my confidence that I can do it is waning.

I'm really getting scared. Do you remember a few weeks ago when I was boasting how well my NoFap is going? I had 2 week long streaks, now I do it every other day. Why? Because I'm scared, masturbation is my greatest coping and escape mechanism.

My eating habits had got worse as well, I don't eat as well as I did before. In huge part because I leave hope rarely but still, fact is a fact.

Anyhow, this LTU run is coming slowly to an end and I'll have to set for myself some goals for April as well as figure out which sub to run in May. Some nice topics to think about, to be honest.

I think I agree that "masturbation is my greatest coping and escape mechanism." sentence. In AM some stages stopping me from doing that, but it is coming again over and over. And it is almost has a pattern like "if I wanna start to doing some work about my future carrier," than I just am finding myself masturbating. trying to find that patterns causing me to masturbate, in stage 2, 3 ,4 it felt dramatically and in the other stages increasing. 
last run I did a 2 months of Nofap even not noticing it.  I am trying to find an answer for that. 

Did you notice which stages are causing you to more of doing this behaviour, I mean coping and escaping from what? 
Maybe this masturbating behaviour could be a general coping mechanism for a "certain" thing. I dont think it is about lackness of sex because too many married man still doing it.

[zero_force]

@Mystic Pymp how long have you run LTU? I see you say day 83 but is that it? Did you do any previous runs?

Yeah, that's my third run. My first run was in Spring and the second was in Autumn last year. This run started on 1st of January.

Why are you asking, do you have some questions or want some feedback?

Yes I am interest to hear about your journey but I will read your journal first and come back with questions. I would be very grateful if you give me your views then as it will help me to decide on if I am continuing with LTU. I just run it for almost 3 months.

[Mystic Pymp]

@Mystic Pymp how long have you run LTU? I see you say day 83 but is that it? Did you do any previous runs?

Yeah, that's my third run. My first run was in Spring and the second was in Autumn last year. This run started on 1st of January.

Why are you asking, do you have some questions or want some feedback?

Yes I am interest to hear about your journey but I will read your journal first and come back with questions. I would be very grateful if you give me your views then as it will help me to decide on if I am continuing with LTU. I just run it for almost 3 months.

Feel free to ask any and all questions, either here or via PM. Be careful though, my journal is sometimes quite a read, don't get discouraged

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 83

I feel like the honeymoon is over.

I've lost a lot of weight this run and I'm so happy about that but that feeling like I know I can go even further beyond is leaving me. As if my subconscious was saying "OK, you've gotten to the BMI 25 and that's enough". It's not enough, I wanna be fit, slim and healthy! So I will go further, even if my confidence that I can do it is waning.

I'm really getting scared. Do you remember a few weeks ago when I was boasting how well my NoFap is going? I had 2 week long streaks, now I do it every other day. Why? Because I'm scared, masturbation is my greatest coping and escape mechanism.

My eating habits had got worse as well, I don't eat as well as I did before. In huge part because I leave hope rarely but still, fact is a fact.

Anyhow, this LTU run is coming slowly to an end and I'll have to set for myself some goals for April as well as figure out which sub to run in May. Some nice topics to think about, to be honest.

I think I agree that "masturbation is my greatest coping and escape mechanism." sentence. In AM some stages stopping me from doing that, but it is coming again over and over. And it is almost has a pattern like "if I wanna start to doing some work about my future carrier," than I just am finding myself masturbating. trying to find that patterns causing me to masturbate, in stage 2, 3 ,4 it felt dramatically and in the other stages increasing. 
last run I did a 2 months of Nofap even not noticing it.  I am trying to find an answer for that. 

Did you notice which stages are causing you to more of doing this behaviour, I mean coping and escaping from what? 
Maybe this masturbating behaviour could be a general coping mechanism for a "certain" thing. I dont think it is about lackness of sex because too many married man still doing it.

I've had a great start. Like I'm saying all the time weight loss is the focus of this run and NoFap came somehow on its own. I guess simply the effect of the LTU. When was it that I've noticed my masturbation habits are back was at more or less the same time when I started noticing that I'm getting more and more physically attractive.

So what I guess is going on is that me being overweight made me feel unattractive and gave me an excuse not to do any sex- and love-centered pursuits. Now that it not no longer the case (or at least it won't be in a few months) there is a need for a new excuse. And self-sabotage by the means of masturbation sounds like a great one.

In short it came from a success, my subconscious trying to escape of what will happen when I'll finally be fit and attractive. That's my best guess at least.

BTW I love your avatar

[tolgaocal80]

hmm, you re saying it is coming after a success, and subc trying to find a new excuse, I guess I saw this on myself too. 

a few years ago I was trying to gain weigth. I was skinny for my height, it wasn't easy thought. good luck, btw good sub history.

thanks,the avatar he is Marcus Aurelius

[Mystic Pymp]

hmm, you re saying it is coming after a success, and subc trying to find a new excuse, I guess I saw this on myself too. 

a few years ago I was trying to gain weigth. I was skinny for my height, it wasn't easy thought. good luck, btw good sub history.

thanks,the avatar he is Marcus Aurelius

I'm very happy I've been able to fight old excuses. Now it's time to fight new ones as well as coming ones so that one day I'll have no other options but to be successful

Gaining weight is harder than losing it often time, I have friends skinny as bones despite eating tons of fast food and other crap. I envy them sometimes but then I realize I'm not only fat but muscular as well with not that much effort on my part. And I'll always have a butt to kill for

I perfectly know who he is, I've read his "Meditations" (well, listened to audiobook version ) . Somber but thought-provoking, I wouldn't dare to call myself stoic without that book.

[tolgaocal80]

hmm, you re saying it is coming after a success, and subc trying to find a new excuse, I guess I saw this on myself too. 

a few years ago I was trying to gain weigth. I was skinny for my height, it wasn't easy thought. good luck, btw good sub history.

thanks,the avatar he is Marcus Aurelius

I'm very happy I've been able to fight old excuses. Now it's time to fight new ones as well as coming ones so that one day I'll have no other options but to be successful

Gaining weight is harder than losing it often time, I have friends skinny as bones despite eating tons of fast food and other crap. I envy them sometimes but then I realize I'm not only fat but muscular as well with not that much effort on my part. And I'll always have a butt to kill for

I perfectly know who he is, I've read his "Meditations" (well, listened to audiobook version ) . Somber but thought-provoking, I wouldn't dare to call myself stoic without that book.

I think this light-fatty muscular body type is best, not required constant effort for stay in shape and weight, just some sober diets.

yepp, Meditations was a very good source of self-improment for me before subs. I almost read hundred times it. Sometimes I think them (stoics) as way they describes themself, they are perfectly matches denifition of sigma males, or transcending alphas. 

[Have at ye]

Well, I'm totally a fan of Marcus Aurelius, but he's of the second Stoia (so that's the more "livable" kind of stoicism, absent the idea of "apathoia"; they were going more for "eudaimonia" through applying a pretty strict code of "virtue" ethics) and while he does use the term "compassion" etc. (or however it's often translated from the Greek; I guess the best approximate would be "hardcore intellectual empathy"; "I understand the actions of another to the highest degree and I do so through rational means"), he wasn't really a sunshine-and-rainbows type of guy.

But I love the most about his meditations is that you can see that this guy was grown and groomed to be Ceasar and Imperator... and he absolutely hated his job. There's this great passage wherein he tries to compose himself after noting that he's going to spend his entire day trying to come to terms with various subjects and petitioners, and in short it would translate as: "I'm surrounded by morons, but I won't get angry at them becasue I know they're stupid".

His meditations journal was most probably written while he was actively involved in the conquest of Germany. Among other funny things that happened along the way, he concluded his business by having hundreds of military leaders crucified in a very public spot in an old-fashioned act of Roman military terror (which the Roman military hadn't really employed for hundreds of years before his reign; crucifixions of this sort were usually reserved for rebels/uprisings, not conquered territories). And then he died and left his son as his heir (atypical, most "heirs" for the Ceasar position were adopted and groomed for the purpose, as MA himself was) which turned out to be a.... really bad idea.

[tolgaocal80]

he wasn't really a sunshine-and-rainbows type of guy.

But I love the most about his meditations is that you can see that this guy was grown and groomed to be Ceasar and Imperator... and he absolutely hated his job. There's this great passage wherein he tries to compose himself after noting that he's going to spend his entire day trying to come to terms with various subjects and petitioners, and in short it would translate as: "I'm surrounded by morons, but I won't get angry at them becasue I know they're stupid".

this made me laugh, this guy is still a mentor for me. More of stoics were punished or exiled because of their way of talking imperators, really badasses

[Mystic Pymp]

Well, I'm totally a fan of Marcus Aurelius, but he's of the second Stoia (so that's the more "livable" kind of stoicism, absent the idea of "apathoia"; they were going more for "eudaimonia" through applying a pretty strict code of "virtue" ethics) and while he does use the term "compassion" etc. (or however it's often translated from the Greek; I guess the best approximate would be "hardcore intellectual empathy"; "I understand the actions of another to the highest degree and I do so through rational means"), he wasn't really a sunshine-and-rainbows type of guy.

But I love the most about his meditations is that you can see that this guy was grown and groomed to be Ceasar and Imperator... and he absolutely hated his job. There's this great passage wherein he tries to compose himself after noting that he's going to spend his entire day trying to come to terms with various subjects and petitioners, and in short it would translate as: "I'm surrounded by morons, but I won't get angry at them becasue I know they're stupid".

His meditations journal was most probably written while he was actively involved in the conquest of Germany. Among other funny things that happened along the way, he concluded his business by having hundreds of military leaders crucified in a very public spot in an old-fashioned act of Roman military terror (which the Roman military hadn't really employed for hundreds of years before his reign; crucifixions of this sort were usually reserved for rebels/uprisings, not conquered territories). And then he died and left his son as his heir (atypical, most "heirs" for the Ceasar position were adopted and groomed for the purpose, as MA himself was) which turned out to be a.... really bad idea.

Yeah, transition from Philosopher-king to Hercules reborn was harsh.

Sure Marcus Aurelius was no saint (Christians for example don't like him too much due to early Christian prosecution during his reign, his travesties caused by his will to annex those territories instead of simply pacify them are also and example) but he lived in harsh times for Roman Empire, the end of Pax Romana due to over-extension and some negligence in part of Marcus' adoptive father, not to mention famines, plagues and general economical downturn. From the heights of Trajan and Hadrian you can only go downhill I guess.

The saddest thing was he know what little monster Commodus was and still he loved him and made him his successor. Just goes to show how powerful paternal love is and that even the most thoughtful and intelligent father is not always able to correctly raise him child. Was it nature vs. nurture or negligence on the part of Marcus, I don't know.

[Have at ye]

Well, as far as I'm aware based on books I read, Marcus did try to instill his "stoic lifestyle" into Commodus, but it did not really take. Many historians believe a lot of it was due to Commodus being surrounded by crafty politicians (f. in. Marcus' first-in-command military officer who talked Commodus into giving up the conquest of Germania and going back to Rome to get some glory and biatches for a change) who used his age and inexperience to their benefit.

Kinda what happened to Nero, who wasn't actually born an idiot, just allowed the constant senatorial ass-kissing to get to his head upon Seneca's retirement from politics which resulted in an actual case of megalomania.

[Mystic Pymp]

OK, so... the third run of LTU 5 is complete. What a ride.

Sorry if I'm not in a mood for posting much nowadays, coronavirus takes toll, even if one does not get sick. Staying at home is not easy at all, I feel guilty for being less than productive at my remote work and I'm worried about my mother. I'll be sure to post some nice summary when I feel more like acting upon my writing talents.

I wanted to start dating somewhere around May but given the outbreak it is going to be impossible. So I have no idea what sub to run next. Most probably I'll go with fourth LTU run or good old Alpha Male. At any case I want to get 1 month break now and resume 1st of May.

My only commitment for this month is NoFap, I want to go April free. I was wondering about it for a long time, this commitment is a relic from my dating plans but I think it will do me good regardless. We'll see how it goes.

Stay safe and healthy everybody!

[Mystic Pymp]

I decided I will put on hold my weight loss efforts for this month. Why?

Because my working out habits are not compatible with my remote work. It was going extremely well when I was going to work for a couple of hours, did my job, went back home and started working out. On days off I'd spend most of the day working out and relaxing. But now that I'm at home all the time it seems to me like every day is off day.

Let me paint you a picture. Let's say there is this baseline, my 100% of work, my "what I have to do being done". This Autumn I was at 200%, this winter at 150%. Right now I'm at 30%, maybe 50% at best. I'm way behind on what I'm supposed to do but I leave it be as there is to deadline for it. I still do necessities very well, but if something can be postponed it is postponed even if it shouldn't.

It's not that I'd get fired now for it, at least not if I don't keep it up for the next weeks. But damn do I feel guilty for behaving like that. I'll be honest, job can make you anxious sometimes and this whole pandemic situation is hard on its own. And when you go to work physically you deal with anxiety by simply forcing it - what I am supposed to do if not working, right? But at home I deal with anxiety by exercising now and for the past 2 weeks I've been using exercise as an excuse not to work. I mean come on, I can postpone and I'm being useful!

I need to change my thinking framework about my time at home and rather sooner than later. So, as of now, my weight loss efforts are secondary. I will stop worrying about my push-up quotas and eating little. It doesn't mean this is not important, it means it's secondary. Assuming I'll be able to completely manage my time for the next weeks I want to spend 4 days on work and 3 days on relax/working out per week (probably weekends and Wednesdays?).

And don't get me started on Easter, this one will surely throw a wrench into any of my plans. I'll have to go to my mom's. I have no room to work out there and I'm terrible at disciplining myself to work from them.

Also, on a larger picture, I'm ahead of my weight loss quota, I'll have most probably more this this spring and summer to work out and I'll be postponing my dating adventures so I don't need to loose weight at pace as fast as I did this Winter.

Also at least I'm safe financially. Unless something catastrophic happens my job is safe for the next 1.5 years and my mom is mostly safe too, both of us have also significant savings if something bad happens. If civilization breaks I'm dead in a month anyway, so I don't worry about total collapse, I won't survive if it comes to that

Still, what I'm writing here is about my work ethics and me simply feeling guilty for doing shitty job. This is why I'm making this decision. Come May I will probably revise it and think about developing new habits to deal with this situation as who knows how long it will last.

[Mystic Pymp]

First of all I decided to let go of my hefty walking goal. I didn't write much about this but I had a goal of walking in total 3000 km this year and I was progressing well into it. However, due to coronavirus I want to let go of it, perhaps revising it once everything settles down. I don't wanna be tempted to go out when it is not necessarily to do so.

Secondly I decided to create new Tinder account. Not to date per se, I just thought that since I have lots of time on my hands and I suffer for lack of socializing I might just as well. To be honest I hope that many like-minded girls thought so as well and right now percentage of decent girls on Tinder is higher than usual. No high hopes for this project though.

Lastly I want to vent something. I don't know if it's OK with forum rules and if it's not then I'll simply delete it. I feel so sorry for people spreading disinformation about the virus. Stuff like "5G is causing it". I mean why, why people believe in that? My aunt is spreading this crap and I'm sick of it. I truly, deeply despise her for it. People may die because of it as someone might neglect this whole subject due to this spread. I'm not pro censorship and I don't want to say people should be prosecuted by this as it would open a can of worms but there should be punishments. Normally I laugh at anti-vaxer, flat-earthers and such but here and now? It's not laughing matter.

And spare me your arguments if you believe this crap. I don't wanna hear it my thread or in my inbox. Simply stop yourself and don't do it.