Mystic Boldness, Courageous Pymp, OF3 journal

[Mystic Pymp]

So, as I'm completely undecided what to do next I thought it would be a good idea to force the issue and create the thread already on a whim. I have mixed feeling to be honest, a lot of doubt a little conviction that I'm doing the right thing. Feels like entering the wrong timeline - I was supposed to do one thing, but I'll do another. Weird, eerie feeling if you ask me. All the more reason to see where it leads.

I don't have great expectations from this sub. In my considerations I viewed the next few months as a respite between LTU and AM rerun. That being said I don't expect OF to be a walk in the park. It is to say I have my own goal for the near future that I believed I can do without help from the subs. Therefore I'm for positive surprise if interesting things happen and little disappointment if nothing changes.

I'll be running OF for 6 months, starting tomorrow and ending near the end of the year. As I understand it the exact number of loops etc. is debatable, so I will start in accordance to the rules and adjust as we go. At first I'll be listening to the ultrasonic version, later on possibly switching to the hybrid.

I will """TRY""" to post daily to every other day. Recently I lost interest in keeping my LTU journal updated, mostly due to my frustrations with the sub. Here though I enter uncharted waters so I wanna keep a log. I hope this helps other people running or wishing to run the sub as well as Shannon. Feel free guys to comment and give me suggesting as we go, I don't always agree but I always appreciate it.

I don't set myself any direct goals here. The premise of this sub is such that I don't even know what to expect. I wanna finish my current job, start a new one in autumn, look for a fulfilling relationship, develop in self-improvement, financial and spiritual areas etc. It's quite a spread and I know it, but for now only the first 3 count - the rest will be in the background for now, out of focus but still there.

See you tomorrow!

[Mystic Pymp]

Waiting for my order to go through...

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 1 One loop masked

I had to wait a day for my order to go through. That's fine but still I felt frustrated. Less at that particular accident and more of a pattern in general. My entire LTU run was one giant pattern of getting what I want but only after setback after setback after setback. It's not that I'm failing constantly nor that I'm winning all the time. It's this strange struggle against hurdles that are being sent my way. So even a simple order of a sub couldn't go simply smoothly. No hurt feelings to the stuff though, don't worry.

I've listed to one loop today and it left me feeling like my IQ dropped by 30 points at least. I felt a little bit overwhelmed not gonna lie. I listed to it almost first thing I woke up and it takes me some time to become productive this early but today was certainly more difficult. The most interesting thing was that I became quite... aimless. I didn't know what I wanna do to be honest, very unsure of myself.

The worst thing about running this sub now is that I'm of the philosophy that running the sub alone has little point. My experience taught me that it's best to do your own thing and let the sub support you. Which is great except my goals for the next 3 months don't overlap well with this idea. This makes it almost an interesting experiment for me as I will simply run the sub without thinking much about the goals connected to it. This might mean more natural growth if this works, we'll see.

I was invited for a party this evening. I will pass though, I have no will to meet with these people at this time. I'm not locking myself in my house though, few days ago I want out for a beer with a friend and will do the same with another one next week. Interestingly I've learnt a lot of interesting information at that meeting, one of these "stars aligned" stuff that may or may not pan out in the future. Even if nothing comes out of it I'm still glad because I like to keep as many good cards life is handing me as possible. Setting things up and seeing them bear fruit is what I do well.

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 1 cont.

What a weird day. I felt so aimless the entire time. Like usually I can keep myself busy easily. Now though I didn't know what to do with myself. When I was working I was doing well, focus was alright, but when I was done it was hopeless.

For example I decided to go for a walk. I'm not as religious when it comes to daily exercise as I was in the past but usually I either have this urge and I do it or I don't and I do other stuff. Today I was free and aimless so I forced myself to do it. I wanted to listen to some podcasts but after 30 seconds it was a null option. So I went with music and soon it really hit me. By the end of the walk I was almost singing aloud, I was so carried away by my tunes.

I think I'm often in this kind of state when I'm emotionally overwhelmed. Emotionally is a bad word but I cannot find a better one. I'm overwhelmed by possibility. Usually my days are well structured, I know what I wanna do and day is always too short. No day is too long. Clearly something is going on in the background, I'd just wish to be less paralyzing.

I got angry at my mom when I called her today. She asked me what interesting stuff is happening in my life. When I said that nothing she started her usual bickering about how come young person in a large city has nothing happening in his life. What am I supposed to tell her about? About my work that is well above her paygrade and she doesn't remember a thing even if I tell her? About how I was ghosted AGAIN and I'm taking it harder than usual and nevertheless I will be hearing about how I should start thinking about starting a family? Or maybe about some obscure religions I'm researching now and she couldn't give to craps about? What exactly should I tell her about, especially if we talk almost daily.

There is this urge to listen to more loops. It feels like an itch to scratch a wound that didn't heal yet so it will bleed when I do it but I wanna do it regardless. Normally I'd listen to some more loops but I wanna go slowly at the start. I'm still very unsure about this sub and I don't understand it intuitively, I don't have a "feel" for it like I do for 99% of things I interact with in my life. Like I told you some time ago, me running this sub feels like entering a different timeline. Everything feels weird now.

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 2 1 loop masked

Still feeling damn aimless. I was thinking about working but nah, I need some rest from it as well. My job takes some creativity and I'm relatively fine timetable-wise. Add to that that I decided to go for a walk at dawn but couldn't quite fall asleep for a scheduled nap after the walk and I'm left feeling weird. Again.

I wonder how much of this feeling is resistance. I get this feeling of shame due to various things that I knew I wanna improve in my life, but decided to postpone it like I mentioned before. For example as my financial situation improved I became less pennywise and more loose with my money. Now I feel like I should be more conscious of my expenses even though I don't need to. And when I make conscious decision to go again that feeling I get shame.

I'll be studying myself today carefully. I have entire day ahead of me and no idea what to do with myself. I'm curious as to what I'll come up with and what I will feel inspired to do. For now it feel like killing time up until I get back to work on Monday.

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 2 cont.

I'm having 1000 ideas per second but it all happening in the background is a drag. I feel like a computer that has all its RAM used up and it must run on SWAP on slow HDD. It's almost a torture, but also an interesting experience. I wish I could simply type "killall resistance" into the terminal though.

It becomes more and more obvious that my assumption about postponing my self-improvement work is void. During my LTU run I was content to let thing be and focus on more time-sensitive but at the same time purely external stuff. With OF this will not be an option. Sub is clearly pushing me in some directions and I either do them or feel like crap. I get this nice feeling of possibility, a familiar feeling as I had this before on other subs but also a feeling of responsibility.

This will take patience, willpower and diligence. At this point I'm not even sure what steps I'll have to take to be perfectly honest. But what I'm sure of is that action will need to be taken and I won't be able to sit idly for the next 3 months. And trust me, typing this and knowing what that means is harder than it sounds.

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 3 1 masked

Listening to the sub starts to feel less like a lobotomy. I actually start to fell encouraged and purposeful. Today will still be a wasted day probably, but not as much as yesterday to be sure. I hope to do some cleaning today as I will be moving out in a month as some places in the flat like balcony are a disgrace. I wouldn't care about this if not for the fact that I don't wanna leave this for the landlord to settle. There's also lots of stuff to go through when it comes to what to throw into trash and stuff like that.

I had some dreams today, nothing I'd remember. One was interesting where I was doing some bureaucratic work and a clerk was telling me some useless stuff and when I realized this doesn't make sense he started looping "a" sound like a computer about to crash. Before I managed to fall asleep though I had this though stream about what a shitty friend I am and I was thinking about all the people I considered friends throughout the years and I'm no longer in contact with them. I tend to ignore it and move on but now there was an amount of shame around it.

I have this urge to play Morrowind or some other gave of my childhood. Morrowind here is the most important one as I've played it last summer, back when the world was simpler for me. I may do myself a present and setup Morrowind with some mods to play it some day soon but not right now. You may think that I'm exaggerating but this is an involved but quite pleasant process for me. Last year it took me 3 days I think. Next week I'll be leaving for my mom's place to spend a week or so with her, if I'll be still interested with the idea I'll do it.

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 3 cont.

It's my second attempt at an update. The mental fog turned into uneasiness. This may well be because of coming Monday and needing to get to work. Or maybe because my flatmate finally moved out leaving some leftover booze in the fridge and while throwing her stuff while cleaning I decided it should not go to waste. It amounted only for 1, maybe 2 shots, not enough to get drunk but I can feel it in myself. Something shifted, something's wrong.

I really wonder what will happen tomorrow. It will be my first off day and there is some work to be done. Thankfully the work is not overwhelming so if need be I can take a day off the work as well. On Friday it was easy enough to concentrate, but I'm worried how I'll manage after some more exposure.

The urge to listen some more is still strong and still feels like an itch to scrap a scab. It's easy enough to fight but it's interesting that it's there. I think it stems from my willingness to go the extra mile to get the results quicker and easier. The crap that's going on in my head right now is prove enough sub is doing something but it's so early to really say. To be honest I expect in a couple of week/months to say something like "Wow, I didn't realize until it happened but fear is gone".

I'm especially curious how fear removal will work for my masturbation habits. I think it's undeniable that these habits are 100% stemming from fear of relationships and commitments. Why look for a partner when I can jerk off? These past days I've had less urge but when I had it was more... violent. Like I either dismiss urge outright as not worth my time when I get triggered by something of the internet or I have an urge to go for the worst fetishes I'm familiar with for some reason. Clearly there's a resistance to keep me down at work here. Either this or a misguided attempt at looking for a catharsis, a emotional release.

[Shannon]

Why are you fighting the autoconfig?

[Mystic Pymp]

Why are you fighting the autoconfig?

You mean how much loops I should run? Because according to the instructions the first 2 weeks should be taken easy to get used to the sub and learn how it affects you.

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 4 Off

I feared this is gonna be a bad day. And though it wasn't great, it wasn't terrible either. It was so-so.

Like I mentioned before I took a day off. I can afford it as I estimate my work for this week is about 3 days worth. I have 3 projects to do, each should take a day tops plus one is very minor as most of it is already done. Some of this work will be preliminary and will be followed by some low-level tedious work which requires little effort so I'm not worried. Assuming everything will go well, which it may not. But that will be a worry for the next week.

It may well be that I focus more on this so I notice this more but I can see more fear creeping in. It's probably a matter of perspective and rationalization but I cannot help but wonder how many decisions and habits are guided by fear of one sort or another. Its tiresome really to even think about it, how much I'll have to go through and sort.

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 5 1 masked

Shannon scolded me for not following my instinct so after I woke up I played one loop. For subs with more loops I like to listen to them ultrasonic in the afternoon, but here it's easy enough to play it while getting ready for a day. The loops feel more and more comfy to listen to. Still I appreciate the pause yesterday, I'll be studying myself and whether or not I'm getting overwhelmed.

I woke up later than I was supposed to. I guess I've gotten more sleep, which I need right now, but the earlier I wake up the more productive I am as the day seems longer. I'm at my most productive when I wake up early, start the work outright and know that there will be nice and easy afternoon to relax.

Work today went sideways just as expected. I decided to go with the hardest of 3 projects and obviously there are some hurdles. I'll be meeting with my boss tomorrow to discuss the details and I'll get to work on it full stop on Thursday. As the hour is still early for me I'll get going with the other 2 projects but first I'll go for a walk to collect my thoughts.

I didn't have any dreams necessarily but I had like short flashes. Two I remember are me thinking that I've just masturbated and seeing that girl I was talking about finally messaging me. Weird, as if I had just short but very vivid thoughts of things I'm concerned about right now. As for masturbation I've discontinued the counter I has posting as it became a useless meme, but I will be posting about my successes and failures on the topic. So far I feel like the urges are stronger but the baseline is lower, so in the long run it might be easier than before.

One thing I've never mentioned but is interesting that both right now and during LTU run I'm constantly in this weird time shift where I feel like today is different day. For example yesterday I felt like it was Sunday (which meant I was more lenient) and today is Wednesday (which means I feel I have less time for work than I really have). I think it comes from a strange anxiety where I fear running out of time, so I'm already thinking in the terms of the next day.

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 6 1 masked

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I couldn't fall asleep at night and woke up relatively late (for me). Even though I slept for 8 hours I feel tired, exhausted and my muscles ache. There is no way I'll be productive today.

Weird thing is last evening small bugs started to appear in my room. Normally I don't mind them, I often keep fruit in my room which brings fruit flies so I'm used to 2-3 of them. But not 20. Also they were clearly not flies and I was worried these were baby roaches but no, the shape was wrong. These were so far unidentified 2mm long black beetles. This kinda makes sense as this weekend I threw away crapload of my flatmate's old food, including 3 years old flour, so maybe they were chumming on it and not they went of for the hunt. But I didn't notice them outside my room. There is no clear source of them. They seem to be harmless and almost cute and I'm not worried, it's just so weird.

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 7 1 masked

Yesterday I've met with my cousin. Funny thing that we live in the same city but meet only rarely. Some time ago there was this family gathering and we said we wanna meet but you know how it works, people talk much but little comes out of this. But I decided to follow through on this and it was a good decision. There is relatively huge age gap between us of 13 years, but as people get older that gap becomes less and less relevant and here this showed very well yesterday.

Resultwise I cannot say much, it all starts to get a little bit blurry as I'm getting used to the sub. It's fine but nothing spectacular, hard to expect this though after a week. I have this update talking about my biggest fear pending somewhere in my head but I need to be in a right mood and have some time to put it all together. TL;DR is I like my life well planned and I fear my machinations will not work out. As they often do.