My E2 journal

[findingme]

I've been on E2 almost 70(?) days. I'll admit it's one of the least "dramatic" subs I've utilized. I was on OGSF for almost 2 weeks, and I was crying up a bit, which was very evident it was clearing stuff out.

But E2 is very subtle. Something I like is the training to resolve our emotional issues, which is ............well, intimidating to say the least. The thought of searching for pain in my life has not been desirable. But since Shannon put so many measures to alleviate the tension and resistance to clearing, plus reading other people's experiences, I jumped on.

And I realized something so monumental to me, as I wasn't looking for it. (that's what I call "subtle").

Well, I have an alcoholic mother alone who raised us. My main emotional dependence was on one older brother. I followed him around as we grew, and I didn't have much fear--he always interceded for me. And around the time I was 11 or 12, he began enjoying being "bad" via stealing, lying, and staying out. Something in him broke, and one day he raped me and left, never returning home. I'm 45 and have not seen its impact on me. (I'm thankful for E2, as I've rarely looked or felt its impact). And, I did realize a major piece of this recently.

You see, I was married in 2003, and we became pregnant shortly after. Our daughter was born shortly after the 2004 hurricanes in FL. I attached myself to my daughter closely, playing with her, enjoying her growth and innocence. And I put unrealistic, unspoken expectations that she was partly responsible for my well being. (yes, it should piss some off even reading that; it's very unhealthy).

But what I realized recently is huge: I looked at her exactly like I looked at my brother. This is embarrassing to write, but since I felt young when with her, I immediately went to "show me how to grow up" like I needed when with my brother during my own childhood. In short, I looked at my daughter like........she should parent ME. Damn, that's hard to write. Sadness and shame emerge as I write (but I'm listening to a sub while I write, thankfully)

This likely came up also since my daughter has refused to interact with me for.....weeks. My ex-wife had been interceding for me (she says), and I insisted she get out of our relationship. My daughter had recently told me she only hears about me via her mom, and since my ex doesn't like me, I insisted she stop "intervening". I still send a single text to my daughter daily. I send positive ones, ones I'd like to hear. I do ask "does she need this?" to myself, as I want it focused on her. No response yet, but I'm finding a healthy relationship doesn't need "rescuing" constantly. I'm feeling consequences, and I'm seeking to change me. If I use the same old tools, I'll get the same results.

I was reading something recently of how "ingrained" some beliefs or behaviors can be coming from an alcoholic family, and I opened my mind to begin focusing on letting go of my control......and it's happening, a little of a time. Awareness first, and change after that.



Lastly, the self validating component must really, really work. Before starting E2, I read how some guys dropped off the forum. Since I'm one who has used forums seeking anyone to validate me, accept me, or just acknowledge me, I'll say E2 has done a lot in me. I rarely write on forums now. If I need something, I write. But my main "need" was always "tell me I'm Ok!!". Thank you Shannon! My "need" has greatly diminished :-)

[findingme]

I've not written in a month, as I've been using the ultrasonic version. And just for kicks, I tried the trickling stream version.

Below are my results. I was writing this morning:

Wow... I haven't felt this in decades. I'm feeling/remembering days in community college, mid-90's. I was a grown up, but noone knew what I thought. I had no close friends by choice, as the safety of school--meaning no big responsibilities--was why I liked it. Responsibility (getting a REAL job, and relationships) was seen as..........feelings of pain and failure.....so I did not want that......school had numerous possibilities, I'd ride it as long as I could, as life was not laid out for me in any way. I just liked/enjoyed/clung to the daily distractions of playing the "I'm responsible" game, meaning doing homework and turning in assignments. I could do that, I had to to stay in classes, so I did. But........I was terrified thinking of playing like an adult, people knowing me, me knowing me, me feeling anything at all, so the "game" was way more attractive than real life. Lonely as hell, but SAFE. And always fearing the future.

I'm remembering, seeing, and feeling lots, even while listening now. Since I was "safe" back then, I enjoyed school........

So.......trickling stream from now on since I only listen at home. I asked in the FAQ section, and someone said I must be resistant by default, as some do not take well being "told what to do". Ummmmm.....absolutely. I resist people who try to convince me I "should" do something, linking it with a fear of being shamed or punished. ABSOLUTELY. One guy in my life presently believes he's "helping" me with this message. I actually skipped a 12 step meeting yesterday since I've not told him directly lately (I have in months past). He's still trying his fear and punishment agenda.

So, yes, I've been resistant to being told what to do. What's the person's motives? Why is "control" their need? F*** them!

[findingme]

And I texted the guy just now saying he sounded like my chronically unhappy alcoholic mom. This guy's been sober and in AA for decades, but he is emotionally--a dry drunk. I just said he sounded like my mom though.