Mateunio's Life Tune Up 5G 3.1 Journal

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 52

Waves of conflicting experience indicate that there is a growing dichotomy within you with the new/positive gaining strength against the old/negative. It gains momentum until it breaks through and permanently overpowers the old/negative, but as the old/negative fights for survival, the process can be somewhat "sinusoidal" as you put it. Keep going.

Thanks Shannon. I expected this would happen from reading others' journals, but never thought I was so strong. But I think I understand how it works and I feel the negativity fighting for survivor. I'm not stopping now, that's for sure. I went to far to loose all my progress. I will press on and I will let go of all negativity, regardless of my fears or bad moods. For me it's funny how it started only recently, subconscious must be really threatened now. And good it's threatened, it should be!

[Shannon]

It's not good that it's threatened, because it is a part of you. It is not separate. The issue is in that it fears change because it is currently not part of your experience, comfort zone, awareness. If I could create subs that simply melded into the new without going through that wave pattern, I would. In fact, that's what I am working on. But you have to be understanding because the subconscious IS you. Be kind to yourself, but never stop moving toward your goal.

[Mystic Pymp]

It's not good that it's threatened, because it is a part of you. It is not separate. The issue is in that it fears change because it is currently not part of your experience, comfort zone, awareness. If I could create subs that simply melded into the new without going through that wave pattern, I would. In fact, that's what I am working on. But you have to be understanding because the subconscious IS you. Be kind to yourself, but never stop moving toward your goal.

I know it's part of me, but it doesn't mean I can't be mad at it. Subconscious is part of myself just as my body is. I cannot fully control neither of them and I wish I could (imagine having total control over your glands just like you have over your skeletal muscles!). They have their flows and imperfections, but they can be improved. Body with exercise and subconscious with good habits, meditation etc. Subs act almost like steroids in that they are not fully natural and quicken the process. In this case I must expect some resistance and side-effects.

I could more kindness to myself, yes, but I have much more of it than 2 months back. OGSF done wonders for me and I have much more love and respects for myself now. I just wish changes were quicker and easier, but some patience won't hurt as goal is more than worth the wait.

I've read about your new technologies and I'm very excited for it. I doubt I will be able to use it any time soon if I'll pursue AM->WM path, but I hope this will work BTW I was thinking about how I react to 5G and I am happy I found these subs now, 3G must have been so much weaker I would make little changes in me.

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 53

I've been you with my friend to the clubs last night. In there we met with his 8/10 female friend. I was able to talk with her and have some laughs, but I kept thinking there is no point in flirting here because she's pretty and outgoing girl and why would I ever have any chances with her. This shows to me that even if my confidence improved in many areas, my insecurity towards girls remains the same - it's something I'll be working hard during AM.

[kalmah0804]

I know that feeling, bro. Sorry to hear you're still having lots of trouble. I have to say that 60 something days with eprha has really helped me get over a lot of that, so maybe if you just keep on trucking along you will shed that insecurity as well.

[Mystic Pymp]

I know that feeling, bro. Sorry to hear you're still having lots of trouble. I have to say that 60 something days with eprha has really helped me get over a lot of that, so maybe if you just keep on trucking along you will shed that insecurity as well.

It's not that bad I've had this feeling since I remember and yesterday I was having lots of fun and was much more sociable than before, thanks to LTU in big part. My insecurity is huge problem and one I wanted to point out for future reference, but I have other goals and problems right now. Foundations first, concrete projects on top of it later.

Also I don't think it's an issue subs alone can deal with. To break this conditioning of unworthiness I'll need to act and right now I fear that if I was be rejected it would shatter my confidence. So until AM I won't hit to any girl unless I will meet my perfect match, because in this case I won't stop at anything!

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 54

I feel like shit. And it's not something about sub or insecurity. If anything sub worked great today, better than ever before. It was about me not being a man and my friend taking a blame for it. I don't know how I'll make it right and what it will cause, but the worst thing is even now if situation was to repeat itself I still wouldn't stand for what is right. It was not only my responsibility, but it still feels wrong and unjust. I wov to do everything to make this right to him and to be goddamn adult next time.

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 55
The strange week

Today I had a chance to look back at the last week and emotional roller-coaster it brought. It was truly strange experience, one I've never experienced before. I want to summarize it while I still have it fresh in my memory.

My mood was changing quite rapidly, from total depression and feeling like s**t to feeling like master of the world. These are extremes of course and switches weren't so severe, but were very noticeable. They were also very unpleasant, making me often tired. My nails also got a hit, going back to pre-LTU state. It was a hard ride and it may still continue (hopefully not), but from what I saw it was very much worth it.

When I was out socializing, it was all very great. I've had a lot of fun, I was talkative and only rarely would I be old, awkward self standing away from others. I've met many new people and I socialized with them quite easily. That said I always had someone familiar like and anchor to ground me in the situation and not feel uncomfortable. I was also much more physical with people. The only problem is all of it was happening after some alcohol and without it changes are much less profound, if any at all. I wish I was like that all the time and that those blocks alcohol removes temporarily will be undone permanently one day.

There were also many small things, random chances and accidents both positive and negative, but in the end they all made me believe changes are happening and in the good direction. Also I tried tapping today and even though it looks silly it's actually quite good relaxation technique. I used something like that in the past anchored with hypnotic triggers, but with time its strength decreased. I'm curious if tapping will work in the long run or in extreme situations. If so then I'll do some research and maybe I'll start using it to remove my blocks if it's as effective as people say. For now it's just a curiosity for me, but so were subliminals a year ago or so, and hypnosis even earlier.

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 61

It's end of second month of me listening to LTU and I feel puzzled. It's so hard it's almost painful for me to write this really. There are so many conflicting thoughts and emotions I can't control. Anyhow, I'll try to do short summary and get some thoughts together.

First of all it's hard to believe month has passed. Maybe it was because of end of vacation or something, but this month seemed at least 3 months long. Many things happened and whatever was thrown at me I either managed to dodge or soundly defeat. However this month's enemy was myself. When bad day stroke I was negative and fearful. Even as I'm writing this there is so much self-hate and self-anger that I feel almost powerless against it. I know I'm not however, and that is what keeps me going.

On better note I was much more pleasant to be around and more sociable than before. I think I was also more mature, or at least I tried. I didn't have as much exposure as I'd like to (I estimate about 8 hours/day, mainly during sleep and in public transport), but changes were noticeable. There were some interesting coincidences that keep my hopes high, but as always with these sorts of things I may dig in too deep, so I won't comment on that unless it will have it's conclusion (I have no idea what OE 2.0 does in LTU, but I trust in it!).

There are many things I'm unhappy with last month. I studied too little, I ate badly etc. So in November I'm gonna try to improve my habits. And so this is my three point pledge:
1) I will study everyday at least 1 hour/day. It has to be connected with my college faculty. I think I'm gonna buy e-book reader to make reading easier and more accessible than it is on laptop.
2) I'm gonna eat smarter. Instead of eating junk food I'll either eat in affordable restaurants or prepare something decent myself.
3) I'm gonna start exercising, even if it's gonna be just a couple of push-ups per day. I don't like fitness clubs and living with my room-mate makes it difficult and awkward, but I feel I must to something with my body.

Edit

There is one more thing, I think it's interesting and may be potentially important for me later on as kind of symbolic thing. Some days ago I dreamed about world of Morrowind, the video game. It's not just a video game, it's topic I've spent days on not only playing the game itself, but also reading on the web and things like that. It's been 2 year since I've been really invested in it last time and even though I still follow some associated things (I've completed Skyrim this summer for example), I didn't give it much thought lately. This dream changed it, now I not only have big desire (but not obsessive one) to play it, but I also made custom wallpaper in it's climate and learnt one of the poems from this game I've always liked, but never even though or learning it. This game has strong emotional connections to me and I wonder why my subconscious was reminded of it right now. Anyhow I plan to play and complete it (I've done it only once, about despite thousands of hours put into it) to see where it goes. Is it me putting to rest old demons? Or is it just my childhood nostalgia kicking in?

[JackOfHearts]

I have watched City Hunter while doing AM6, it seems the kind of nostalgia you are expressing. Is there any purpose to that? I don't know.

[Shannon]

I have spent thousands of hours on Morrowind and hundreds on Skyrim. They carried me for years each. I have both, and I can tell you that Morrowind, as good as it was, seems a let-down to play again, at least for me. It's not that the game has changed, it's that I burned out on it. I know it so intimately that I'm bored and almost have to force myself to play; there's no challenge there at all. I notice this happens every time I get some nostalgic desire to play a game from my past. I did that with the now-ancient Bard's Tale, and some others as well. Going back is rarely what you remember. At least for me.

[Mystic Pymp]

I have spent thousands of hours on Morrowind and hundreds on Skyrim. They carried me for years each. I have both, and I can tell you that Morrowind, as good as it was, seems a let-down to play again, at least for me. It's not that the game has changed, it's that I burned out on it. I know it so intimately that I'm bored and almost have to force myself to play; there's no challenge there at all. I notice this happens every time I get some nostalgic desire to play a game from my past. I did that with the now-ancient Bard's Tale, and some others as well. Going back is rarely what you remember. At least for me.

I think I know what the deal is. But first of all I need to warn you that I look at Morrowind from much more metaphysical approach than any other player would. Anyhow, there are two main types of heroes in cRPG titles - there are those driven by destiny and prophecies and those random guys doing extraordinary things because of extraordinary circumstances. Morrowind does something in between - you play as someone who can fulfill the prophecy, but doesn't have to. In fact you meet ghosts of those who fulfilled part of it and failed somewhere down the line. You are not born with the power to defeat the evil - you must earn it. In lore it's called "mantling", meaning you take mantle of someone (deity most often), behave as he would and become the same archetype (this is how Talos became god BTW). And just as hero of Morrowind has to take the mantle of long forgotten hero to unlock his potential, so do I need to mantle this ideal that's somewhere in my soul. I think this is what I find so compelling about it right now. I hope what I wrote makes sense

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 62

This was not a good day, but fatigue was mostly physical, not mental. Didn't managed to do anything useful because of it, but I got some ideas I might pursue next months.

But I wanted to post today for another reason. I have this strange feeling that this month is going to be special. I fell like I'm going to cross border into uncharted territories and expect the unexpected if I am to fully use my potential and not waste opportunities. If my intuition is right it means on the one hand that I'll face plenty of challenges and I better succeed in them. But it also means that I might get many pleasant surprises down the road. This means I'll have to stay focused and cut down to size my laziness, but I shall be prepared for that. It won't be easy as Autumn had always bad influence on me, but it's not excuse. I just hope this is not some kind of warning before a danger or other misfortune. I guess I have entire month to find out.

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 64

Early update, but I don't think anything interesting will happen down the road and I have something to let out of my chest, so here it comes. I was experimenting with Law of Attraction for a long time and it never really worked. Of course while exercising it there were coincidences, but nothing beyond normal existence (it's easy to attribute things when you really hard want to). Also I've always had this strange kind of luck or intuition that helped me make right decisions and avoid really bad things, luck in everything but social part of life. Recently I've been doing lots of visualization, both in hope to attract somebody and to give myself some hope. Anyhow today it was the fourth time I met my past sweetheart this month. Why is it surprising? Because in semester before that I've met her only once! So it's like 20-fold increase in probability! And I know I'm thinking about her because LTU forces me to face my demons, analyze them and deal with them, but if LOA is behind this them damn it, I don't want it. Why can't I attract someone else? I don't think it's universe telling me to talk with her and sort this out because even though I'd love to do it I will not talk with her in Collage about it and I can't meet up with her because her boyfriend is super jealous about me.

Good news is this encounter didn't leave me sad or confused as last time. Quite the opposite actually, I feel empowered and confident. Thank a lot ERPHA & OGSF!

So TL;DR Law of Attraction is making a fool out me recently. Any advice?

Edit later that day

Well, something happened. We'll see if it's of consequence.