Masculine Prime (Primal Masculinity 5.11g)

[Benjamin]

Tonight is my night off after 5 nights on.

I'm still unsure if 10 loops is doing something or if it's too much. It's noticable with my dreams, but I feel like my vibe has gone down or maybe is more intimidating I don't know.

Went to a couple of shops, it's always better when I actually have something to do instead of randomly wandering around which I do sometimes to get out of the house. First was a hardware store, I went in and a guy I know was behind the counter working, I tried to wave and say hi to him and it was like he just blanked me almost like my vibe from 10 loops is too much or making me invisible.

Then went into another shop. There was this indian girl at the door as the greeter, she couldn't even look at me and when I left was so intimidated it was similar. I said "seeya later" to her and she answered really quietly. It's funny cos I tend to get stuff like that alot of the time already, in that I either feel invisible or ignored by certain people when they will greet others, but maybe it's intimidation especially with a PM vibe.

I seen this girl in there who I was really attracted to, then was getting annoyed to myself I still just can't go and talk to her. I'm handling it much better though in that it's not sending me down a big spiral like it was before and I can attribute PM to that. But there is alot about PM that i'm resisting and that just isn't kicking in. It's like sometimes I get these small ideas like it's working on sometihng but it doesn't really give a strong push and really process and integrate to get me to take those actions alot of the time to work towards whatever it is. In the past before this resistance and sabotage was so strong I would get that much more, i'd feel the shift strongly at the body level, it would integrate and i'd take the actions.

I've had some little things that i've added or shifted and started the habit of from PM, but those are mostly from earlier in my listening as opposed to now.

It's getting difficult to stick to it, just keep doing day by day, but really want to stop. I do like the effect on my workouts and martial arts training and don't want that to lessen when I stop PM.. but sadly not as much in other areas. Those 2 areas were what I was consistent with already anyway, and PM has boosted them.

Especially the reports of 6g, first OSC and then what Frosted is saying about OGSF 6g. I'm hoping it will break through alot of this resistance that seems to be just making me 'blank' alot of the programming of PM and other past subliminals. But not before about another month of PM. Though if PM come out in 6g i'd most likely do that since the goals of PM are what i'm really wanting, OGSF v3 is just that I hope it will break through all of this bullshit holding me back. Though there's also the thing that i've been ignoring that I really need to deal with money as over time i'm getting in a worse place because of that.

So that part of me would vote for UMS v3 as the priority, but really it doesn't excite anywhere near as much as the thought thought of using AM7. But kind of like I hoped PM would help motivate me in areas of money and business and make progress, where it hasn't.. i'd be hoping for similar on AM which may not happen (I know it's not the goal, but indirectly for me since it's connected to several areas around being a self-reliant man) so I 'should' do something around money finally. Years ago I did half of BAMM, got some good results at the time actually, but then stopped and I haven't gone back to any money subliminals.

Though I did put alot of work in with other methods around money, and didn't make much real progress.

[Shannon]

PM hasn't pushed past your resistance? Ben. The cooperative parts haven't pushed past the non-cooperative parts, but the subliminal is just instructions, you know that.

The idea behind you doing 10 loops is to try to break through the resistance better. The more you want to stop using it in response, the closer you are to succeeding with that. Haven't you figured that out? The closer you get to breaking the resistant parts, the harder they're going to fight for what they think is "their survival", and the more they're going to try doing anything and everything possible to get you to stop using whatever is close to breaking through the fears that hold them (and you) in place. Maybe you should be doing more than 10 loops?

Forget what effects it has on others, especially females. You're working on yourself. You're trying to break through inner blockages. You're also apparently making progress, by the effects you're describing.

[Benjamin]

Thanks, it's good to have the reminder. Cos when I hit resistance I forget these things that I can easily point out in others. That gave me a few thoughts Shannon.

The was resistance is currently presenting itself is that i'm suddenly feeling like I may not really want the goal, like feeling like there isn't any point getting in better shape, improving my martial arts and such. Those are 2 of my main passions really. But all of a sudden this weird feeling of "Do I really want this goal of being masculine?". I mentioned this a few posts ago, but it has increased a bit since then.

Yesterday I wasn't looking forward to training, I couldn't focus on watching a training video before I trained yesterday. But then when I did train it went well and I enjoyed it.

That reminds me of another strange thing that I don't know why it happens, maybe you have more of an idea? Basically I seem to get certain inspirations at night, like later at night or before bed or in bed.. like last night I was really inspired and keen to do my workout straight away before eating in the morning. Then in the morning I wasn't very keen for it, and my warmup too me ages, again the workout went well. I did eat first as I feel weaker when I don't, but atleast I did it before anything else. That is a pattern the inspirations for things at night, then in the morning it's gone.

The other funny thing is that I think a manifestation of this resistance is when you talk about breaking through the inner blockages, right now I can't think of what that would be. So my mind is trying to hide it obviously.

I can only do 10 loops at night, but i'll add 2 extra loops through the day aswell and see.

I'll attempt to not focus on the effects it has on others, though that's kind of been some of the measuring stick in that I wasn't 'feeling' different especially at the start, but i'd notice different reactions from people. But I definately have something internally that represents in me being extra focused on the effects on others, likely stuff from the past again around abandonment, rejection, feeling ignored and invisible.

[Benjamin]

Had a good night last night.

I went to an open mic with some friends. Earlier in the day I messaged one of them to see if he was going, which definately shows my reluctance to contact friends and not wanting to do stuff was resistance. I also realized that it's likely all of these feelings I had that we were drifting apart with PM, that our energies were 'off' and such was all of my own bullshit very likely coming up.

Yes some comments on responses from others, but also stuff with myself.

When I first got there a random guy turned around and said hi to me which doesn't usually happen. I was a bit after that talking to a friend and this other guy come over and introduced himself, he was invited by the guy I was talking to, but I got this weird kind of gay vibe from him in the way he was looking at and responding to me.

A bit later talking to my 2 mates and 2 old guys come and asked where we were from and talked to them for a while. Again this doesn't usually happen too much.

One thing I become aware of today about PM is that i'm feeling less need to try to say hi to everyone just to 'be friendly' or whatever. Like last night I said hi to less people I seen, but I answered them if they said something. I noticed similar at a market today, unless there was a reason to talk to them or I had some kind of interest in something. And the girl who runs the open mic, who when we went to something of hers a while ago introduced herself and we talked a bit and seemed friendly, then at the last open mic when I went to talk to her basically blanked me and was rude, this was early on PM and I was fairly pissed off and I think PM was processing alot of stuff around it, now I lost interest in her and couldn't give much of a fuck even acknowledging her at all.

I didn't really listen to much of the music last night, was mainly talking.

The other cool thing is my friends daughter was skateboarding, and she wanted to show me different things.. then she wanted to teach me and her dad got his skateboard. At first I had this fear about falling off even just trying to stand on it and go along, usually i'd just be like "no" and not do it. But I kept going and went the furtherest standing on a skateboard than I ever have, which isn't far, but I felt good that I was able to do it. Later on I tried something and did fall off, but I was okay. I wanted to stop then but made myself do a little bit more after. Funny how it took a kid to get me to go out of my comfort zone and try this, when doing it I said to my friend (her dad) "It's interesting cos kids pick up this stuff easier cos there's not this fear like when you're older".

While skating over from where the signing was, there was this couple maybe early 20s, the girl was allright, the guy was a bit of a soyboy. I was having fun and they come down a ramp near us and I was in the flow and having fun and was like "have you come to learn skateboarding, i'm learning to skate" and seriously the guy just gave me this really weird look and made like an "eh" sound like a fucking retard, and they both just seemed to stare blankly. After it I was like "how the fuck does that idiot get a girlfriend that's decent and i'm struggling with that" (I mean I know the main answer, fear in my case) like he was too fucking weird and retarded to even reply properly. 

I think that's the main things.

As for today, went out to a market and drove around a bit and a few shops. Alot of shit coming up and potential to go down in a spiral, but I kind of don't even have the energy to write about all of that, like I don't even want to. But some similar stuff to some earlier posts. I come home and am in the process of listening to 2 loops.