Make Fear Fiction Again (OF V3)

[Shannon]

Logically it's too much listening? Not if you are getting that result from AutoConfig execution!

[Benjamin]

Logically it's too much listening?  Not if you are getting that result from AutoConfig execution!

True, thats what I realized in the end. Maybe I should have said that consciously i'm thinking that, but still getting the urge for this amount.

[Benjamin]

Took 3 nights off again, last night was the feeling of 'you need another night off'.

Woke up in the middle of the night with fear coming up feeling like 'oh I shouldn't have taken the night off' and feeling like something was creeping back in. Not sure if it was just new stuff coming up, part of it felt like a bit of 'snapback' (I guess tidal effect type thing).

Went to hang out with some friends, wore a novelty shirt that I won't say what it says but is partly sexual. I used to wear stuff like that then fear set in at some point. I was relatively comfortable, but felt a bit quieter again.

One thing i'm noticing is kids wanting to be around me more, being more open to me, wanting to be playful and such. Where before they didn't much, they would just kind of be quiet around me and kind of shy. I went and played on the playground and some of the kids in the group come and joined which was fun.

At one stage we had a confrontation with people pushing stupid bs, which was coming from their side but I stayed and stood my ground even if I did briefly consider just leaving when I seen it coming. I was happy with how calm I was too.

Then walked back to my car with a friend and 2 girls were sitting there, one seen my shirt and got her friends attention, it was a bit of a hit. Other than that people I didn't know just looking at it and knowing they seen it. In the supermarket I was a little uncomfortable with it, walking past certain types of people and wondering if there would be criticism.

Went to a friends place after that and I was feeling really quiet.. again like I said last time in recent times i'm much more talkative. Alot of the time I was just quiet, but was still just enjoying the moment and sitting outside in the sun. The kids again were basically drawn to me even if I wasn't really talking to them, being playful like giving me noogies and wanting to wrestle and stuff.. it's interesting but not something i'm used to, and i don't mind and notice i'm more playful too.

But notice I was judging myself and feeling a bit down that I was quiet. It feels similar to last time in that I was actually looking around and enjoying the view instead of constantly talking.

[Chris P. Bacon]

Took 3 nights off again, last night was the feeling of 'you need another night off'.

Woke up in the middle of the night with fear coming up feeling like 'oh I shouldn't have taken the night off' and feeling like something was creeping back in. Not sure if it was just new stuff coming up, part of it felt like a bit of 'snapback' (I guess tidal effect type thing).

Went to hang out with some friends, wore a novelty shirt that I won't say what it says but is partly sexual. I used to wear stuff like that then fear set in at some point. I was relatively comfortable, but felt a bit quieter again.

One thing i'm noticing is kids wanting to be around me more, being more open to me, wanting to be playful and such. Where before they didn't much, they would just kind of be quiet around me and kind of shy. I went and played on the playground and some of the kids in the group come and joined which was fun.

At one stage we had a confrontation with people pushing stupid bs, which was coming from their side but I stayed and stood my ground even if I did briefly consider just leaving when I seen it coming. I was happy with how calm I was too.

Then walked back to my car with a friend and 2 girls were sitting there, one seen my shirt and got her friends attention, it was a bit of a hit. Other than that people I didn't know just looking at it and knowing they seen it. In the supermarket I was a little uncomfortable with it, walking past certain types of people and wondering if there would be criticism.

Went to a friends place after that and I was feeling really quiet.. again like I said last time in recent times i'm much more talkative. Alot of the time I was just quiet, but was still just enjoying the moment and sitting outside in the sun. The kids again were basically drawn to me even if I wasn't really talking to them, being playful like giving me noogies and wanting to wrestle and stuff.. it's interesting but not something i'm used to, and i don't mind and notice i'm more playful too.

But notice I was judging myself and feeling a bit down that I was quiet. It feels similar to last time in that I was actually looking around and enjoying the view instead of constantly talking.

I had the same "I need an extra day off" feeling once as well. I thought it might be resistance so I allowed myself and extra day off and then I felt like I needed another one. I didn't do another one and haven't since due to the fact that it felt too much like resistance.

[GreekGod22]

Logically it's too much listening? Not if you are getting that result from AutoConfig execution!

Honestly, I have no clue how should on recognize the effect of AutoConfig. I get no "calling" on how many loops should I run.
But 5-6 loops is the maximum, it seems, that's when I will feel I have had enough and my brain feels saturated with input.

[fab10]

Honestly, I have no clue how should on recognize the effect of AutoConfig. I get no "calling" on how many loops should I run. 

I don’t feel the autoconfig either. When I run DRS, I do notice when the effect wears out during asrb2 (because I get showered with shit again) and I feel exhaustion when I overdo it, but otherwise I have to stick to the instructions for lack of a better way. 

However, I haven’t run a 5.75.7g sub yet, I suspect things will be a lot more exciting on OF3.

[Benjamin]

I'll try to update though I feel like a zombie right now.

I realized that hybrid is a bit too harsh for me, especially when i'm having too much coming up. Maybe 3 or 4 days ago I listened to it and by the end started downloading some adult games, played them for literally hours and then downloaded some porn videos. If that wasn't enough I played the games a bit the next day and downloaded some more videos.

I know logically this both drains my desire to 'go out and do things' basically and takes me further away from women plus makes me awkward around them. And also makes my energy partly repulsive for a while. But yeah this isn't logical. That's the strongest this has been triggered for a while other than the first time I used hybrid OF.. this time it triggered more.

Today hung out with some friends, felt a bit strange a few times.. not fully comfortable or totally 'there' but at the same time relatively comfortable in the face of bs going on around us and not buying into it.

Definately a night off tonight, feeling overwhelmed.

But this is interesting. I muscle tested and it told me to lessen my amount of listening. From 8 loops back down to 3 a night.

I went further for clarification and the answer I got is "You've pushed things enough and need to dial it back to give time and space to process".

In my head is Shannon saying "If it tells you to listen less than it may be resistance" though I also remember "If it's less than the original instructions of listening" so it may be okay.

But following the feeling that it feels right that I do need to dial it back a bit now to let some of it express makes sense.

Other than that it still remains to be very subtle so I don't know what to say. Little things like deciding to goto checkouts to get served instead of self serve, and chatting a little bit to the girls serving me, not as much as years ago but improved as to recent times.

[MegaMan]

Sounds like you are moving forward  

I muscle tested and it told me to lessen my amount of listening. From 8 loops back down to 3 a night.

I went further for clarification and the answer I got is "You've pushed things enough and need to dial it back to give time and space to process".

Could you elaborate on what "muscle testing" is and how to do it? I know you are currently pretty busy, so please do not feel pressed to answer soon. 

Cheers
MM

[Benjamin]

Could you elaborate on what "muscle testing" is and how to do it? I know you are currently pretty busy, so please do not feel pressed to answer soon.

That's not really a simple answer unfortunately. You 'can' learn things such as the sway test and test some things but i've found out in recent times that certain things can effect your ability to get accurate answers so it's noticeably more in depth to really learn it properly. Plus I can't always test specifically what I want to test, sometimes something else that's more important comes up for me to deal with.

The simple theory is 'strong arm = yes, weak arm = no' or 'sway forward = yes, sway backwards = no but in practice it's more in depth than that and isn't that simple. So for this usage it's probably better to just follow the autoconfig, which I usually do but I can also test it to confirm, though i've been doing this for 1 1/2 years to be confident in doing so.

[Benjamin]

So OF was definately needed today.. got into a couple of confrontations and stood my ground. The first one I was getting a little worked up and the adrenaline hit me but I was able to stand my ground, same with the second one. Really both were unavoidable and the good thing was when I seen it coming I chose to confront it.

Was hanging out with some friends outside and a random woman come near us for a smoke and I started chatting to her which isn't something I usually do now so that's good. I ended up sitting with her and eventually she come over to the group and then even got drinks from her car and handed them out.

I started to get tired and shut down which happens sometimes and then I start to get quieter. But I did notice when I stood next to her a few times the big smiles she was giving me. I did think of getting her number but she smokes and that's a no for me now.

Also when I was first talking to her I was a little edgy, like not being directly sexual to her, but some of the stuff I brought up and it went down well.

Went for a walk with a friend a few hours later. Reflexively said hi to 2 cute girls walking past, then after that another one said hi to me. This was on a walking track where people tend to say hi more, but still it doesn't usually happen much to me, especially from a cute girl.

Also yesterday going into the supermarket a girl who's body looked allright said "Hello" to me randomly when I walked past, she had a mask on so I had no idea if I knew her, didn't recognize her voice. I did answer and said "Hey, how's it going?" and she said "good" and walked off. Though I was basically there confused if I knew her or not, and also the feeling of 'is this a random woman saying hello to me' that made me feel weird too. Yes I know it's a good thing, but these fears aren't logical as you guys know.

[Benjamin]

Struggling a bit with OF.

A few days ago alot of intense emotions, frustration, dark thoughts.. even though I know logically and each time I do it I then am like "dammit not again" I looked at porn 4 times in the space of a day. Those 2 days around that on top of doing the 8 loops at night I did like 3-4 loops through the day, some hybrid, some ocean surf. The urges come up strongest during hybrid. Before I did it I said to myself 'ok I either have to get out of the house or look at porn' and I got out of the house, went for a walk and a drive for like a few hours and it got worse. Then I got home and caved in.

Around that same day, a ton of anger coming up. I was trying to get something working and it was annoying me and I just wanted to throw it across the room. Luckily I didn't as it's expensive and it was more my confusion around the instructions. Also really went at a guy on facebook who was being extremely manipulative and passive aggressive, the next day I was like 'wow I really got aggressive' but it had built up for ages seeing how he was treating my friend and finally come out, obviously held back due to fear. Looking back I didn't regret it, but suddenly I can't identify with that amount of anger towards him I had just a few days ago, even though I stilll think he's an idiot.

Then I had a realization of what it's protecting me from, explored and dug into it and relaxed a bit. Then yesterday went down the street, talked to a woman in the supermarket which I haven't done for ages, and then in another shop 3 of 4 staff members that walked past happily said hi to me which doesn't usually happen.

Also in the supermarket I seen a guy I know and said hi, he was pretty standoffish but his girlfriend was looking at me so I said hi to her too.. then she come over and started talking to me and didn't seem to want to stop.

Positives of OF are interactions with people, better responses in general. Though it's subtle, some people are standoffish, others are more open. As i've mentioned (I think) kids are wanting to talk to me more, my friends kids are always wanting me to watch them do stuff on the skateboard or whatever, was playing uno with them and my friend last night. Not used to kids wanting my attention so much, but it's cool.

I think the interactions are the main thing I can report on OF.

Because other than that I feel like some things are lower than in a very long time. Motivation for most things are very low, though for some reason the urge for martial arts stuff is high, I rediscovered this earlier in OF and started training again and keep getting inspired to watch training stuff. Like i've rediscovered a part of myself I lost connection with.

Motivation for health/healing type stuff is lower, motivation for my own business stuff is very low where during LTU 6 I was working on it regularly.

Normal working out i'm wanting to increase it a bit, still going okay with that.. but don't want to overdo it.

Actually motivation for most things other than socializing and training martial arts is low. I'll go out and hang out with friends and just get into it and 4-5 hours later still won't want to leave but be like "Ok yeah i've gotta do other things".

Socially i'm the most comfortable i've been in years, combination of Inner Child work before LTU, then LTU and now OF. I genuinely enjoy socializing now.

A week or two ago had a period where I felt strongly dominant, I just felt it and it was in my bodylanguage, how I was sitting and how I was perceiving myself.. then when I become aware of it some sabotage come up around that. Then looking at porn drained my energy and last night at dinner with friends I felt slightly awkward and weird, not as dominant.

Been having strong urges to stop OF V3 and do UMS V2. Not sure if I can last another 3 months of little motivation on building things to move forward, combined with the very real thing that Australia is out of control with certain things.. which I won't go into here to stop controversy. But it's a very real possibility that things around money and such could be a big issue, and that's on top of not having a handle on money enough to move forward how I wanted to before all this.

I'm definately enjoying the less fear and different responses socially.. but my current thoughts are 'is that really enough to do another 4 months or so' and even then it's a minimum of 6 months, that wouldn't mean it's finished necessarily.

So I guess resistance, wanting to run away.. and also another thought that I had that's making me want to hold on is "If I can't finish 6 months of OF, when it's been a bit over 2 months, then how am I going to do atleast 12 months of UMS V2". This is a thought that made me hold on and finish LTU 6.. actually just realizing it's funny on that all I wanted to do was OF, now i'm looking back at LTU fondly and wishing I had some of the effects of that, and now i'm on OF I want to do UMS.

[Shannon]

What volumes are you using with OF?

[Benjamin]

What volumes are you using with OF?

That may be difficult as there's the volume on my walkman mp3 player and on the speakers.

But highest volume on walkman is 30, and on my speakers it's turned 1/4 of the way up. Most of my listening has been the volume of 15 or 16. For a few days I went back to 12 and it felt like that was needed, and a few nights ago I went back to 15.

Also I went from 8 loops, back to 3. And it fels like it was needed to give me more space to process. On 8 loops I feel a bit more 'numb' to things and i'm not really conscious of feeling that anxious, on 3 i've had little bits of feeling anxious but also other things are opening up a little which makes me trust that going back to 3 loops was the right thing.

[NOMAD]

With other subs, 10/15 has been my ideal volume. With OFv3 (and possibly v2...can't remember), If cut it as low as 8/15, which is my current listening volume. I haven't been able to increase it back to my normal volume, though. I've tried, but cause a mild state of panic in me.

Also, your experience with 8 loops seems pretty consistent with mine. At one point, I felt like it was needed, but I felt like my ability to process it got further and further behind to the point to where I felt like I was almost stonewalling. When I backed the loops down to 1 (temporarily), the progress happened. I've had some luck with cycling loops in a few isolated instances. I'm beginning to wonder if regularly cycling loops by inducing overload followed by a period of reduced loops for execution is the way to go.