I'm getting incredibly bored with OF. Sure i'm more comfortable socially and also have been able to deal with alot of the bs and fear being thrown at us all this time much better than alot of people I know.
And last weekend I went to a christmas party where there was alot of people I don't know and I went around to almost every group and met them which was cool. Social comfort is more consistent than in a while, and i've noticed on OF i'm talking to more people and they are open to me, including friends kids who seem to want my attention more.
But i'm missing some kind of dominance/rawness/masculine edge.. a few times it's come up on OF then disappeared. I know it's not the goal of OF but I hoped it would be uncovered more.
I especially haven't noticed much happening with reducing the fear of talking to or approaching women. A couple of times something opened up briefly and things really flowed with girls who were serving me, but it didn't last long and now i've noticed recently feeling awkward and not being able to get much out. Though early on in OF I did decide instead of going to self service checkouts i'd goto people as much as possible. When it's someone else I don't really have issues, but an attractive girl then still the same issue of putting too much importance on it.
And i'm still constantly hitting upon the same issue. Each time I get alot of resistance and upheaval eventually I get to a point where I explore it in writing and keep going deeper..
Each time it goes back to my abandonment/adoption, things like 'being rejected confirms that my mum was right for abandoning me' 'feeling like i'm not welcome in the world' and similar things.
Every fucking time I explore something that's coming up it inevitably goes back to this and it doesn't seem to actually shift it. I do notice that when I do this exploration and hit upon it then let myself feel the emotions that come up it does shift it for a little bit and things open up, but in the long term it doesn't seem to shift it and it continuously comes up.
And the cycle on OF has been.. going good, like last weekend then this deeper stuff comes up, most notably around girls like going to the beach last sunday (the day after the christmas party) and also 1-2 months ago and getting really frustrated fear stopped me talking to girls there and then going on a porn binge and feeling worse. This time it was even more so than last time, like it was triggered even stronger.
Good thing is I did without it for a few months, longer than in a while but then it comes up again when these abandonment issues come up.
The weird thing is it felt like I was triggered more deeply this time, and since exploring it in writing my urges for listening have gone way up.
I did 8 nights on, first few nights 3 loops, then 8. Then 1 night off and now several nights of 10 loops! And also at a higher volume than i've ever done.
So I don't know if i've thrown something off with the autoconfig or this is legit. But I can say doing 10 loops last night at that high volume I slept pretty well. I'm fairly cloudy headed today though.
Yesterday especially had tons of thoughts that though i'm more consistently confident and comfortable socially on OF, as I was on LTU though more so on OF after a while.. that I don't feel like i'm achieving much substantial.
The other good thing was starting martial arts training again which i've really been enjoying. Deciding not to go on the computer until around 12pm each day so i'm doing something else and not wasting too much time on the computer and some other things which are good.
But it kind of just feels not substantial, not as obvious as expected.. and right now incredibly boring.
Each time I muscle test it still tells me to do UMS v2 but i've been holding out until 6 months on OF. About a month left.
So head feels constricted, cloudy headed, tired.. but still have this strong urge for MORE input. Like I feel a bit like listening now before I goto bed and 10 loops again tonight. I'll go with it, but i'm a little confused how it's increased so massively with few days off recently.
And last weekend I went to a christmas party where there was alot of people I don't know and I went around to almost every group and met them which was cool. Social comfort is more consistent than in a while, and i've noticed on OF i'm talking to more people and they are open to me, including friends kids who seem to want my attention more.
But i'm missing some kind of dominance/rawness/masculine edge.. a few times it's come up on OF then disappeared. I know it's not the goal of OF but I hoped it would be uncovered more.
I especially haven't noticed much happening with reducing the fear of talking to or approaching women. A couple of times something opened up briefly and things really flowed with girls who were serving me, but it didn't last long and now i've noticed recently feeling awkward and not being able to get much out. Though early on in OF I did decide instead of going to self service checkouts i'd goto people as much as possible. When it's someone else I don't really have issues, but an attractive girl then still the same issue of putting too much importance on it.
And i'm still constantly hitting upon the same issue. Each time I get alot of resistance and upheaval eventually I get to a point where I explore it in writing and keep going deeper..
Each time it goes back to my abandonment/adoption, things like 'being rejected confirms that my mum was right for abandoning me' 'feeling like i'm not welcome in the world' and similar things.
Every fucking time I explore something that's coming up it inevitably goes back to this and it doesn't seem to actually shift it. I do notice that when I do this exploration and hit upon it then let myself feel the emotions that come up it does shift it for a little bit and things open up, but in the long term it doesn't seem to shift it and it continuously comes up.
And the cycle on OF has been.. going good, like last weekend then this deeper stuff comes up, most notably around girls like going to the beach last sunday (the day after the christmas party) and also 1-2 months ago and getting really frustrated fear stopped me talking to girls there and then going on a porn binge and feeling worse. This time it was even more so than last time, like it was triggered even stronger.
Good thing is I did without it for a few months, longer than in a while but then it comes up again when these abandonment issues come up.
The weird thing is it felt like I was triggered more deeply this time, and since exploring it in writing my urges for listening have gone way up.
I did 8 nights on, first few nights 3 loops, then 8. Then 1 night off and now several nights of 10 loops! And also at a higher volume than i've ever done.
So I don't know if i've thrown something off with the autoconfig or this is legit. But I can say doing 10 loops last night at that high volume I slept pretty well. I'm fairly cloudy headed today though.
Yesterday especially had tons of thoughts that though i'm more consistently confident and comfortable socially on OF, as I was on LTU though more so on OF after a while.. that I don't feel like i'm achieving much substantial.
The other good thing was starting martial arts training again which i've really been enjoying. Deciding not to go on the computer until around 12pm each day so i'm doing something else and not wasting too much time on the computer and some other things which are good.
But it kind of just feels not substantial, not as obvious as expected.. and right now incredibly boring.
Each time I muscle test it still tells me to do UMS v2 but i've been holding out until 6 months on OF. About a month left.
So head feels constricted, cloudy headed, tired.. but still have this strong urge for MORE input. Like I feel a bit like listening now before I goto bed and 10 loops again tonight. I'll go with it, but i'm a little confused how it's increased so massively with few days off recently.
