I set a challenge for myself to confront an insecurity. Simply, walk across to the beach with no shirt on as I hate taking it off.
I'd thought about it for ages but finally got to it. I felt a bit timid and insecure doing it, especially uncomfortable when I walked past or was near attractive girls. I walked near some of them to let that come up.
Then I stood at the first part of the beach, 2 girls turned around and looked a few times. I said to them 'aren't you going swimming today' and they giggled and turned back around, but looked around again and giggled. I wasn't able to bring myself to say more and insecurities really come up thinking they were laughing at how I look because I had my shirt off.
It brought up a fair bit of stuff. I haven't looked at porn for a good amount of time, and got past a few intense times where I really wanted to.. and doing this challenge really triggered it and I ended up doing so 4 times within a few hours after that.
So i've been feeling like shit from that night, drained, tired, little motivation to go out into the world and do stuff like I have been, not really feeling like socializing which I usually love.. this is the damage of it but it's always convincing in the moment, especially when insecurities come up. I was aware of this but didn't expect doing this challenge would bring it up so strongly.
Took 4 nights off OF. Last night I really didn't feel like listening, but it felt more like resistance. Well actually it was like my mind had shifted to the decision to do UMS so that felt more likely, but I told myself with what's coming up I need to continue OF for a bit longer.
Tonight also I really don't feel like listening to OF. It's not autoconfig as I got used to how that feels. It feels more like disallusionment and just wanting to stop listening and give up.
But 4th round of muscle testing.. again says UMS V2.
I'd thought about it for ages but finally got to it. I felt a bit timid and insecure doing it, especially uncomfortable when I walked past or was near attractive girls. I walked near some of them to let that come up.
Then I stood at the first part of the beach, 2 girls turned around and looked a few times. I said to them 'aren't you going swimming today' and they giggled and turned back around, but looked around again and giggled. I wasn't able to bring myself to say more and insecurities really come up thinking they were laughing at how I look because I had my shirt off.
It brought up a fair bit of stuff. I haven't looked at porn for a good amount of time, and got past a few intense times where I really wanted to.. and doing this challenge really triggered it and I ended up doing so 4 times within a few hours after that.
So i've been feeling like shit from that night, drained, tired, little motivation to go out into the world and do stuff like I have been, not really feeling like socializing which I usually love.. this is the damage of it but it's always convincing in the moment, especially when insecurities come up. I was aware of this but didn't expect doing this challenge would bring it up so strongly.
Took 4 nights off OF. Last night I really didn't feel like listening, but it felt more like resistance. Well actually it was like my mind had shifted to the decision to do UMS so that felt more likely, but I told myself with what's coming up I need to continue OF for a bit longer.
Tonight also I really don't feel like listening to OF. It's not autoconfig as I got used to how that feels. It feels more like disallusionment and just wanting to stop listening and give up.
But 4th round of muscle testing.. again says UMS V2.
