10-01-2021, 03:41 AM
Struggling a bit with OF.
A few days ago alot of intense emotions, frustration, dark thoughts.. even though I know logically and each time I do it I then am like "dammit not again" I looked at porn 4 times in the space of a day. Those 2 days around that on top of doing the 8 loops at night I did like 3-4 loops through the day, some hybrid, some ocean surf. The urges come up strongest during hybrid. Before I did it I said to myself 'ok I either have to get out of the house or look at porn' and I got out of the house, went for a walk and a drive for like a few hours and it got worse. Then I got home and caved in.
Around that same day, a ton of anger coming up. I was trying to get something working and it was annoying me and I just wanted to throw it across the room. Luckily I didn't as it's expensive and it was more my confusion around the instructions. Also really went at a guy on facebook who was being extremely manipulative and passive aggressive, the next day I was like 'wow I really got aggressive' but it had built up for ages seeing how he was treating my friend and finally come out, obviously held back due to fear. Looking back I didn't regret it, but suddenly I can't identify with that amount of anger towards him I had just a few days ago, even though I stilll think he's an idiot.
Then I had a realization of what it's protecting me from, explored and dug into it and relaxed a bit. Then yesterday went down the street, talked to a woman in the supermarket which I haven't done for ages, and then in another shop 3 of 4 staff members that walked past happily said hi to me which doesn't usually happen.
Also in the supermarket I seen a guy I know and said hi, he was pretty standoffish but his girlfriend was looking at me so I said hi to her too.. then she come over and started talking to me and didn't seem to want to stop.
Positives of OF are interactions with people, better responses in general. Though it's subtle, some people are standoffish, others are more open. As i've mentioned (I think) kids are wanting to talk to me more, my friends kids are always wanting me to watch them do stuff on the skateboard or whatever, was playing uno with them and my friend last night. Not used to kids wanting my attention so much, but it's cool.
I think the interactions are the main thing I can report on OF.
Because other than that I feel like some things are lower than in a very long time. Motivation for most things are very low, though for some reason the urge for martial arts stuff is high, I rediscovered this earlier in OF and started training again and keep getting inspired to watch training stuff. Like i've rediscovered a part of myself I lost connection with.
Motivation for health/healing type stuff is lower, motivation for my own business stuff is very low where during LTU 6 I was working on it regularly.
Normal working out i'm wanting to increase it a bit, still going okay with that.. but don't want to overdo it.
Actually motivation for most things other than socializing and training martial arts is low. I'll go out and hang out with friends and just get into it and 4-5 hours later still won't want to leave but be like "Ok yeah i've gotta do other things".
Socially i'm the most comfortable i've been in years, combination of Inner Child work before LTU, then LTU and now OF. I genuinely enjoy socializing now.
A week or two ago had a period where I felt strongly dominant, I just felt it and it was in my bodylanguage, how I was sitting and how I was perceiving myself.. then when I become aware of it some sabotage come up around that. Then looking at porn drained my energy and last night at dinner with friends I felt slightly awkward and weird, not as dominant.
Been having strong urges to stop OF V3 and do UMS V2. Not sure if I can last another 3 months of little motivation on building things to move forward, combined with the very real thing that Australia is out of control with certain things.. which I won't go into here to stop controversy. But it's a very real possibility that things around money and such could be a big issue, and that's on top of not having a handle on money enough to move forward how I wanted to before all this.
I'm definately enjoying the less fear and different responses socially.. but my current thoughts are 'is that really enough to do another 4 months or so' and even then it's a minimum of 6 months, that wouldn't mean it's finished necessarily.
So I guess resistance, wanting to run away.. and also another thought that I had that's making me want to hold on is "If I can't finish 6 months of OF, when it's been a bit over 2 months, then how am I going to do atleast 12 months of UMS V2". This is a thought that made me hold on and finish LTU 6.. actually just realizing it's funny on that all I wanted to do was OF, now i'm looking back at LTU fondly and wishing I had some of the effects of that, and now i'm on OF I want to do UMS.
A few days ago alot of intense emotions, frustration, dark thoughts.. even though I know logically and each time I do it I then am like "dammit not again" I looked at porn 4 times in the space of a day. Those 2 days around that on top of doing the 8 loops at night I did like 3-4 loops through the day, some hybrid, some ocean surf. The urges come up strongest during hybrid. Before I did it I said to myself 'ok I either have to get out of the house or look at porn' and I got out of the house, went for a walk and a drive for like a few hours and it got worse. Then I got home and caved in.
Around that same day, a ton of anger coming up. I was trying to get something working and it was annoying me and I just wanted to throw it across the room. Luckily I didn't as it's expensive and it was more my confusion around the instructions. Also really went at a guy on facebook who was being extremely manipulative and passive aggressive, the next day I was like 'wow I really got aggressive' but it had built up for ages seeing how he was treating my friend and finally come out, obviously held back due to fear. Looking back I didn't regret it, but suddenly I can't identify with that amount of anger towards him I had just a few days ago, even though I stilll think he's an idiot.
Then I had a realization of what it's protecting me from, explored and dug into it and relaxed a bit. Then yesterday went down the street, talked to a woman in the supermarket which I haven't done for ages, and then in another shop 3 of 4 staff members that walked past happily said hi to me which doesn't usually happen.
Also in the supermarket I seen a guy I know and said hi, he was pretty standoffish but his girlfriend was looking at me so I said hi to her too.. then she come over and started talking to me and didn't seem to want to stop.
Positives of OF are interactions with people, better responses in general. Though it's subtle, some people are standoffish, others are more open. As i've mentioned (I think) kids are wanting to talk to me more, my friends kids are always wanting me to watch them do stuff on the skateboard or whatever, was playing uno with them and my friend last night. Not used to kids wanting my attention so much, but it's cool.
I think the interactions are the main thing I can report on OF.
Because other than that I feel like some things are lower than in a very long time. Motivation for most things are very low, though for some reason the urge for martial arts stuff is high, I rediscovered this earlier in OF and started training again and keep getting inspired to watch training stuff. Like i've rediscovered a part of myself I lost connection with.
Motivation for health/healing type stuff is lower, motivation for my own business stuff is very low where during LTU 6 I was working on it regularly.
Normal working out i'm wanting to increase it a bit, still going okay with that.. but don't want to overdo it.
Actually motivation for most things other than socializing and training martial arts is low. I'll go out and hang out with friends and just get into it and 4-5 hours later still won't want to leave but be like "Ok yeah i've gotta do other things".
Socially i'm the most comfortable i've been in years, combination of Inner Child work before LTU, then LTU and now OF. I genuinely enjoy socializing now.
A week or two ago had a period where I felt strongly dominant, I just felt it and it was in my bodylanguage, how I was sitting and how I was perceiving myself.. then when I become aware of it some sabotage come up around that. Then looking at porn drained my energy and last night at dinner with friends I felt slightly awkward and weird, not as dominant.
Been having strong urges to stop OF V3 and do UMS V2. Not sure if I can last another 3 months of little motivation on building things to move forward, combined with the very real thing that Australia is out of control with certain things.. which I won't go into here to stop controversy. But it's a very real possibility that things around money and such could be a big issue, and that's on top of not having a handle on money enough to move forward how I wanted to before all this.
I'm definately enjoying the less fear and different responses socially.. but my current thoughts are 'is that really enough to do another 4 months or so' and even then it's a minimum of 6 months, that wouldn't mean it's finished necessarily.
So I guess resistance, wanting to run away.. and also another thought that I had that's making me want to hold on is "If I can't finish 6 months of OF, when it's been a bit over 2 months, then how am I going to do atleast 12 months of UMS V2". This is a thought that made me hold on and finish LTU 6.. actually just realizing it's funny on that all I wanted to do was OF, now i'm looking back at LTU fondly and wishing I had some of the effects of that, and now i'm on OF I want to do UMS.
