Make Fear Fiction Again (OF V3)

[Chris P. Bacon]

Took 3 nights off again, last night was the feeling of 'you need another night off'.

Woke up in the middle of the night with fear coming up feeling like 'oh I shouldn't have taken the night off' and feeling like something was creeping back in. Not sure if it was just new stuff coming up, part of it felt like a bit of 'snapback' (I guess tidal effect type thing).

Went to hang out with some friends, wore a novelty shirt that I won't say what it says but is partly sexual. I used to wear stuff like that then fear set in at some point. I was relatively comfortable, but felt a bit quieter again.

One thing i'm noticing is kids wanting to be around me more, being more open to me, wanting to be playful and such. Where before they didn't much, they would just kind of be quiet around me and kind of shy. I went and played on the playground and some of the kids in the group come and joined which was fun.

At one stage we had a confrontation with people pushing stupid bs, which was coming from their side but I stayed and stood my ground even if I did briefly consider just leaving when I seen it coming. I was happy with how calm I was too.

Then walked back to my car with a friend and 2 girls were sitting there, one seen my shirt and got her friends attention, it was a bit of a hit. Other than that people I didn't know just looking at it and knowing they seen it. In the supermarket I was a little uncomfortable with it, walking past certain types of people and wondering if there would be criticism.

Went to a friends place after that and I was feeling really quiet.. again like I said last time in recent times i'm much more talkative. Alot of the time I was just quiet, but was still just enjoying the moment and sitting outside in the sun. The kids again were basically drawn to me even if I wasn't really talking to them, being playful like giving me noogies and wanting to wrestle and stuff.. it's interesting but not something i'm used to, and i don't mind and notice i'm more playful too.

But notice I was judging myself and feeling a bit down that I was quiet. It feels similar to last time in that I was actually looking around and enjoying the view instead of constantly talking.

I had the same "I need an extra day off" feeling once as well. I thought it might be resistance so I allowed myself and extra day off and then I felt like I needed another one. I didn't do another one and haven't since due to the fact that it felt too much like resistance.