Magnus' journal

[Magnus]

Thanks spiral.

I read it a few years back but didnt really understand it. Ill give it another read and hopefully i can grasp it this time

[Magnus]

So not alot happening lately been feeling more comfortable away from home than at home at the moment also been more comfortable around good people who dont piss me off or take advantage of me.

One question i did have is it ok connect my phone through headphone jack to speakers to play subs or should i have a seperate playback device that i can connect through rca cables?

[Shannon]

Using your phone is fine, although if the speakers you connect don't have separate volume controls, they'll limit your volume.

[Magnus]

Cheers Shannon the speakers I have have a volume control so should be fine.

Well i
m about 5 days out from finishing stage 3 so I thought it was time I put down my monthly reflection.

I think i'm starting to understand AM at a deeper level. How its not about women at all and i'm starting to feel ok with having no women in my life as more than friends. Just looking back on where I came from I was in a very bad place. Was just about to lose my job, was spending all my spare time on dating sites trying to "get" women because I needed them to feel ok, was spending a lot of time on other distractions like porn and gaming and other ways to fix myself.

I now have not been on a dating site in over a month other than to shut down my profile, my work has been going great and i'm on track to a nice payrise in the next few weeks as well as possible promotions in the future, I'm out and about more, got back into the gym, hardly game anymore, don't even watch that much T.V, look at porn once in a blue moon and even then it does nothing for me and women are becoming a smaller part of my thinking on a daily basis. Unfortunately due to making women my sole focus for so long and also all the PUA crap I got into this has still got quite a way to go. At times I'm almost feeling as ok with myself as I did when I was with my ex which for me is huge and I hope that continues to increase more and more. I'm becoming less of a try hard and bragging less everyday now.

I still have a lot of fears that haven't been dealt with but thats ok progress is progress. I do miss the fun and flirtiness I had with girls but I know that was coming from a place of neediness and for me right now my priority is to get my life on track to where I want to be.

The vivid dreams have been back for the last couple of days as well. I had one last night where there was this girl from highschool that I met up with going on about how much of a cool guy I was and in this dream I knew I just wanted to be with her so without thinking I just grabbed her and made out with her.

I'm still very uncomfortable around girls I don't know well but that's fine at least i'm starting to be real and not trying to impress. I'm becoming more and more comfortable outside of home as well. Still very negative most of the time and quite introverted as well but again that's fine.

My brother has also commented on how much more relaxed I seem in the last two months.

Through all of this though I still don't really believe that subs work. I do know the proof is there but just can't believe it and keep saying oh that's just how I used to be years ago and there's been no real changes or its other things that are making me feel ok like not talking to my ex or therapy or just getting out and about but again this is ok and i'm just going to keep going listening.

[Shannon]

Why do you suppose it's so hard for you to accept that the sub is working?

[Magnus]

I think it relates to the fact I have such a strong belief that I will never change and can never change that combined with the fact that I still can't accept that subs really do work because of all the narrow minded research I did on psychology a few years back. This belief comes from doing a lot of not very successful change work about 2 years ago. I think due to the lack of results in actually dealing with the underlying issues I have become extremely skeptical towards any self improvement/therapy.

I also have a hard time accepting anything which may be why I've experienced a lot of resistance over AM.

I know huge external results like starting my own very successful business or becoming extremely fit or being with a few absolutely gorgeous women would help but even then I still wouldn't be able to accept it completely.

So I know why just don't know at this point how to get past that and really accept it. Even still i'm in a better position than I was a few months back and that is the main thing for me

[Shannon]

The only limits we have are the limits we create for ourselves out of fear. Maybe it's time to un-create some of those limits.

[Magnus]

Very true. I think I will start to accept its just going to take me a while. I have to remember that I've only been on AM 3 months. I think as AM then SM pushes me to expand my comfort zone I will believe. AM has already pushed my comfort zone a bit but pretty much all "results" so far are internal which is what I need but at the same time I always measure everything by external "results".

The thing I like so far is that I haven't been pushed a mile outside my comfort zone but rather just gradual increments towards that mile.

Any extra ideas on how to uncreate those limits and start really believing that there are no limits?

[Shannon]

Very true. I think I will start to accept its just going to take me a while. I have to remember that I've only been on AM 3 months. I think as AM then SM pushes me to expand my comfort zone I will believe. AM has already pushed my comfort zone a bit but pretty much all "results" so far are internal which is what I need but at the same time I always measure everything by external "results".

The thing I like so far is that I haven't been pushed a mile outside my comfort zone but rather just gradual increments towards that mile.

Any extra ideas on how to uncreate those limits and start really believing that there are no limits?

The first step is always to recognize the situation as pertaining to it's needing to change. You have done that.

The second step is acknowledgement that something needs to change. You have done that too.

The third step is analysis of the problem to best understand how and why to make the changes necessary. In your case, you say something interesting:

AM has already pushed my comfort zone a bit but pretty much all "results" so far are internal which is what I need but at the same time I always measure everything by external "results".

This is interesting because it suggests that your logical side has concluded that anything besides itself is invalid. That is to say, if you do not see external results - results in the world around you - there are no results. Which is further to say that you are denying yourself, because your logical mind is only part of you; there are also your emotions. Emotions are always internal and subjective. You are insisting on objective "results".

And the funny thing is, you have seen and reported objective results, but you deny them too! Which means you are in denial, and that is a defense mechanism. Which typically points to fear, and in this case, I think your fear is fear of being disappointed. I can't be sure about my conclusion based on what you've said, but it seems that you became very disillusioned with the methods you tried previously, and to defend yourself against further feeling hat way, you seem to have become too skeptical. Too skeptical is when you go from requiring proof to accept, to refusing to accept even with a reasonable amount of evidence. That's based on denial and fear, usually fear of the stability of one's world view. That is also a possibility here.

The way to deal with this? I would say just ease into it. Do little steps at a time. As you see these changes, accept them as being changes and results, and move on. Make it a gradual change. Like the change itself.

[Magnus]

Thanks Shannon. That does make a lot of sense. Ill work on accepting change bit by bit. Also focusing more on my emotions which is something i've had a big issue with my whole life. Even though at the moment I feel quite emotionally stable I have to learn to flow with the emotions. Its interesting this came up as I was discussing a fear with my therapist this week around fearing I will be stuck in an emotional state forever.

I also had a bit of a revelation this morning after reading your post I actually fear that my fears aren't being dealt with and that i'm just covering them up until they get triggered off again. This again stems from all the change work I did last time and feeling like my fears had been dealt with when in actual fact I had just stuck a false kind of confidence on top of my fears. I do realize that my fears are being dealt with and I can tell that because of how much more relaxed i'm becoming and how I am slowly bit by bit starting to act differently in situations.

As for AM had an interesting situation last night where someone elbowed me in the stomach usually I would have passed this off and been to scared to react in the situation but last night I got quite angry at the guy and asked him what he thought he was doing. I took it a bit to far and ended up getting really angry at the guy which almost ended up in a fight between his friends and my friends but thankfully left the situation before anything happened.

[Shannon]

Stage 2? Or Stage 3? That sort of thing happens during the jerk stages. The jerk stage is after we have given up holding on to being beta, and where we are just starting to learn how to assert ourselves, our presence and space for the first time. It takes some time to figure out what is too far and what isn't far enough. Naturally, we tend to go too far at first, and of course it is the equilibrium between two extremes that achieves the desired balance. That is part of why the jerk stage is necessary.

Of course there's also something to be said for self awareness during the jerk stage, and consciously recognizing when it has gone far enough.

[Magnus]

Near to the end of stage 3. It actually felt pretty good and something I've struggled with in the past except for at work. It just happened the guy pissed me off and elbowed me so I spoke up didn't really think about it. I'm not one to fight though unless its someone I care about who is in trouble or i'm sparring/in the ring. The fact I had had a couple of drinks probably didn't help the matter either.

[Shannon]

Yeah, the alcohol didn't help. lol

[Magnus]

Surprisingly i was still very sober at the time.

So was talking witha female friend today who i havent seen in a while and was amazed at how comfortable i was just being.completely open and honest.about everything im doing at the moment. It was a feeling like i have nothing to hide