Life Tune Up 3.1 Journal

[lokko]

Day 21: It started all well in the morning, was feeling great then started video gaming and had one moment where I lost and it upset me more then anything. Now I could feel my blood boiling, I'm just so mad. I'm usually never this mad but I just wanna stop playing videogames, atleast if I do maybe once a month or so, I could be doing better things with my life. ARGHHHHHH.

[lokko]

day 22: did nothing but play videogames so nothing to report today

[lokko]

day 23: It was my sisters bday and we went to this restaurant that had a dancefloor. ILots of family and friends were there and ppl we didnt know too. I danced lots and my brother was like Bro this girl keeps looking at you non stop usually i'd wanna make a move but I was just like ah w.e right now I care more about improving my lifestyle then a random chick. slso my sister friend was giving me signals to make a move on her, I didn't think she was attractive but she coulda been a one night stand but I let that go too. I feel much more mature overall., feel like I'm getting my priorties straight, getting along with people and so on, theres lots to write but I have work .

[lokko]

Day 24: What a day at my bartending job. I'm new to bartending and i've made countless mistakes, and at the same type I have a high ego/ alpha alike personality, if theres such thing and my managers go crazy with me. They want to control me by using power they have and beyond, but I'm real selective with my words and body language that they can't. On top of that my ego is not yet conpletely balanced so I come off as a smirk. Usually in cases like that I'd just leave the day with that smirk and sense of pride, but i stead at the end of my shift I asked to talk to my manager, told her I know you're really frustrated with me in a nice way and she explained everything she was frustrated about in me and I listened quietly and she gave me the bad and the good of me amd in the end she outweighed the good over the bad and felt we were on good terms so everythings good again. I notice I'm becoming more patient, kind, and my high ego is slightly diminishing, yet I can still hear the self talks of the ego trying to push its way in, but the subs are reversing it or atleast helping me be aware of them and make a change. Yay for me! lol

[lokko]

Day 25: Was at my bartending job and I've become more nice and open, that they are giving me more training shifts, people are being more nice. There was a new girl and I asked her for a pen and she played with her hair lots and asked me questions on the computer system and i was like..I don't know, shes like why, I'm like I'm new too and shes like well w.e we can learn together, she wanted me to stay around, even tho the manager was around to help her. I could tell she was interested in me, but I didn't really give her interest back. Later on found out she had 2 kids and etc. She was a 6.5 in her serving clothes, I bet if she was in her best outfit going out she'd be a 7.5.. Anyway, was great day cause I'm starting to build a better compusure of myself, what I mean by that is, I'm holding myself together, not letting people's negativity get to me, staying positive and all is working out well!

Mind you I had to do lots of tapping, which I haven't really told you guys about. This sub made me go through lots of anger feelings and I couldn't deal with it so I tapped on it. Even today it started out with anger. Seems to me it's only my mornings or late nights, but ever since tapping on them it's become less.

[lokko]

Day 26: My need to play video games is diminishing, part of it is willpower. I just feel more secure in my body. Whether social or self conscious! if you know what I mean. Today I was getting trained to be a server too, not only just bartending and my trainer was getting tipped much better then before and she was like you definetely made it happen, because we screwed up on a few meals or it was cold and she still got tipped better then days that she did outstanding. Loving this

[lokko]

Day 27:

How I felt using the subs today

[lokko]

Day 28: Stayed up all night playing video games cause I didn't have work today so got up around 1 pm, felt a bit down then felt better as time went by.. I thought about my ex who I dated for 3 years, the feeling lasted not even 5 minutes and I was over it. We have been broken up for 4 years now is the crazy lady, but I never truly let her go. I hope this sub overcomes feelings of hurt and betrayal, she had left me because we fought too much. I say its my fault, but whatever.

[lokko]

day 29: Don't have much to report today, except that the subs effect remain the same, as in they are still working. By the end of this I reLly want to overcome all the shame, guilt, fear, ive been "programmed" to think. Growing up my family was in poverty so they had very negative mindsets, and taught me "you're friends are only there when you have money" and so much more, I'll talk about em if they come up during LTU

[lokko]

day 30: So...I got fired very "kindly" from my bartending job...Me and the assistant manager didn't get along I guess, she pushed me so much and I was patient, I tapped on it so much but guess she couldn't handle me. I've never bartended before and for her to train me was too much. Oh well, I'm gonna take it positively and say I'll move to a better restaurant with more knowledge in bartending now.

[lokko]

Day 31: My life's boring, nothing to report. Either the sub or life is getting to me. This positivity crap is making me feel like I can only express one emotion. My life is going okay, but my soul is telling me I'm lifeless. I guess getting fired hit me cause I was already going through something..which was feeling like I'm living my life passive. I've been through so much, bad times, good times but I think the bad outweighs it..been in trouble with the law too, have to hide it from anyone out of fear cause people/family will think not good of me. I HATE THIS FEELING. I've changed so much. I used to live my life, now I'm living so passive because I don't want to be in trouble anymore or get myself into a mess again. I haven't achieved much in my life when it comes to career or money, and I hate it. Family thinks 23 is old to not be married. I come from a family/culture who all got married early. Around 16-20. They don't understand this country or generation. Oh well. I don't have any friends either, the ones I had are now either doing there own thing or just not really close with them anymore. Everytime me and my old friends hang out, there's a weird vibe and we act so fake with eachother. People changed, and so did I. I haven't had a REAL girlfriend in years now. Only girls who were friends with benefit or one night stand in the past year. I want to finally live my life...feel loved..be successful, surround myself with good people, travel the world..feel alive again.

[lokko]

Day 32: My construction job is on hold and my cars in the mechanic I haven't got the chance to go out and do something today...so not much to report except that when I woke up this morning, I felt this weird shift, like a less anxiety, more calming shift, it wasn't like anything I woke up like before..subs are coming to a certain point I guess

[IronSmooth]

Hang in there buddy.
You'll go through euphoria phases as well as sad and depressed phases.
All part of the journey. In the end its all SO worth it.

[lokko]

Hang in there buddy.
You'll go through euphoria phases as well as sad and depressed phases.
All part of the journey. In the end its all SO worth it.

Thanks, I sure hope so.

Day 33: Had family over, we made bbq, had a good time, I felt better this morning but as night hits, some depression hits. I feel like I'm being too dependent on the subs for my life and I need to take some action too. So I'm gonna start being more productive with my day since I don't have work this week.