09-26-2020, 07:22 AM
Stage 2, Day 17
Stage 2 is draining me. I slept for 12 hours last night. I still feel a bit heavy-headed, but I can't sleep any longer.
I've been making solid progress at work, which I believe to be the highlight of Stage 2. It is doing a pretty good job at taking my mental resources and funneling them into one focal point. That focal point is the goal of digging myself out of a stressful work situation that has plagued me for about a year now. I'm almost there. The downside is that I can't be bothered with anything outside of my focal point. My desire is to work, rest, and work more until I'm finished. Anti-social behavior is at its peak right now for me.
At first, I thought my fatigue came from pushing myself too hard. I have a history of doing that, so it made sense. But I've begun to suspect that this is a resistance tactic disguising itself as wisdom..."slow down NOMAD, you know what happened the last time you pushed yourself." Here's some evidence:
Last night, I dreamed that my boss was in a bind with some things that were coming down from his bosses. I pitched some ideas to him that I believed would bring mutual success. The negative guy, that I've mentioned elsewhere in this journal (I'll refer to him as Mr. Negative), was attempting to poke holes in my ideas. I countered him with logic and my boss sided with me. This dream scenario is a perfect parallel of what is happening in real life, so its symbolism is clear. I have a subconscious power structure that is siding with progress. I also have a nagging Mr. Negative that wants to sabotage it all because he thinks that chaos = survival (he actually told me that). But Mr. Negative has lost a substantial amount of credibility (for obvious reasons) and is being phased out. This phasing out requires careful execution because of the intricacies involved. Otherwise, it all comes crashing down like a house of cards. If my suspicions are correct, this delicate "phasing out" process may be the primary source of my fatigue.
Resistance, you're sneaky b*tch. But I'm not the punk you thought I was.
Stage 2 is draining me. I slept for 12 hours last night. I still feel a bit heavy-headed, but I can't sleep any longer.
I've been making solid progress at work, which I believe to be the highlight of Stage 2. It is doing a pretty good job at taking my mental resources and funneling them into one focal point. That focal point is the goal of digging myself out of a stressful work situation that has plagued me for about a year now. I'm almost there. The downside is that I can't be bothered with anything outside of my focal point. My desire is to work, rest, and work more until I'm finished. Anti-social behavior is at its peak right now for me.
At first, I thought my fatigue came from pushing myself too hard. I have a history of doing that, so it made sense. But I've begun to suspect that this is a resistance tactic disguising itself as wisdom..."slow down NOMAD, you know what happened the last time you pushed yourself." Here's some evidence:
Last night, I dreamed that my boss was in a bind with some things that were coming down from his bosses. I pitched some ideas to him that I believed would bring mutual success. The negative guy, that I've mentioned elsewhere in this journal (I'll refer to him as Mr. Negative), was attempting to poke holes in my ideas. I countered him with logic and my boss sided with me. This dream scenario is a perfect parallel of what is happening in real life, so its symbolism is clear. I have a subconscious power structure that is siding with progress. I also have a nagging Mr. Negative that wants to sabotage it all because he thinks that chaos = survival (he actually told me that). But Mr. Negative has lost a substantial amount of credibility (for obvious reasons) and is being phased out. This phasing out requires careful execution because of the intricacies involved. Otherwise, it all comes crashing down like a house of cards. If my suspicions are correct, this delicate "phasing out" process may be the primary source of my fatigue.
Resistance, you're sneaky b*tch. But I'm not the punk you thought I was.
