09-04-2020, 06:00 AM
Day 26
A couple of nights ago, I had a dream that indicated that I have a deep longing to connect with what I consider to be the purer part of myself. In turn, that purer part wants to connect with the rest of me, but is afraid of being tainted. There's a clear divide that needs to be bridged and the process appears to have been initiated.
As I type this, I can see the different versions of myself in my mind. There's the 5 year old me...shy, sensitive, sweet, well-mannered, creative, still believed Christopher Reeve could fly and that my plastic lightsaber could cut through steel. Then there's 16-20 something year old me...aggressive, angry, mean-spirited, ill-mannered, uninspired, no faith in anything. A reconciliation is long overdue.
In other news, my loop cravings have stopped. Listening still feels good, but I don't feel the urge to continue when loops stop like I once did.
Over the past few days, I've noticed that I daydream less. That has always been a means of escape for me. I could (and would) easily drift off at any time or any place. That's not happening now and I hope this continues.
I'm finding that my thoughts & attitudes are drawn to the middle of the road. Any time they veer of course, they're brought back naturally. For instance, daydreaming (as mentioned above) has lost its appeal. The same goes for sexual fantasy, excessive rumination, and overall laziness. Since I began reading this forum a few years ago, it became clear that some of my habits were nothing more than buffers I've placed between the most sensitive pieces of me and the world around me. For the first time, the appeal of those habits is eroding.
In a previous post, I wrote that I'm not ready to leave Stage 1. That isn't the case anymore. I feel like I've managed to saturate my subconscious with all of Stage 1's goodness, and now I'm looking forward to taking the next step.
A couple of nights ago, I had a dream that indicated that I have a deep longing to connect with what I consider to be the purer part of myself. In turn, that purer part wants to connect with the rest of me, but is afraid of being tainted. There's a clear divide that needs to be bridged and the process appears to have been initiated.
As I type this, I can see the different versions of myself in my mind. There's the 5 year old me...shy, sensitive, sweet, well-mannered, creative, still believed Christopher Reeve could fly and that my plastic lightsaber could cut through steel. Then there's 16-20 something year old me...aggressive, angry, mean-spirited, ill-mannered, uninspired, no faith in anything. A reconciliation is long overdue.
In other news, my loop cravings have stopped. Listening still feels good, but I don't feel the urge to continue when loops stop like I once did.
Over the past few days, I've noticed that I daydream less. That has always been a means of escape for me. I could (and would) easily drift off at any time or any place. That's not happening now and I hope this continues.
I'm finding that my thoughts & attitudes are drawn to the middle of the road. Any time they veer of course, they're brought back naturally. For instance, daydreaming (as mentioned above) has lost its appeal. The same goes for sexual fantasy, excessive rumination, and overall laziness. Since I began reading this forum a few years ago, it became clear that some of my habits were nothing more than buffers I've placed between the most sensitive pieces of me and the world around me. For the first time, the appeal of those habits is eroding.
In a previous post, I wrote that I'm not ready to leave Stage 1. That isn't the case anymore. I feel like I've managed to saturate my subconscious with all of Stage 1's goodness, and now I'm looking forward to taking the next step.
