Day 2 of getting back into my loops.
I had a lucid, sleep paralysis-like dream when I napped during my lunch break. My apartment is very close to work, hehe. MLS playing in headphones while napping.
I was sitting in an office. Seemed like somebodys executive office. Nice desk, nice comfy arm chair in the corner. Arm chair super comfy. I got up from the chair as a man walked in. I was apologetic and said something like "I'll let you return to your duties" or something of the sort to acknowledge it was his office and he was important, although I didnt have any remorse for being in the office without him. Walking out of his office I found myself in a very small gym. I leaned on an upright machine to get my bearings when I noticed I wasnt wearing any pants! Ha, classic. I was wearing bright red boxer briefs. At that moment it physically felt like I was being dragged down. If you've ever experienced parts of a lucid dream it can physically feel like you're being sucked down or back as if a ghost were tugging on you. I was being dragged down and I 'woke up' (or so I thought) and was now in my apartment on my couch, exactly how I was in real life. I heard a noise in my bathroom so I looked up, and I became aware that some otherworldly force was charging at me and was now (invisible) in front of me. I yelled "GET AWAY FROM ME! GO AWAY!!!!", experiencing a very intense feeling of being dragged down into the couch like I was flying backward, at which point I woke up.
I've had dreams like this before in the past. According to my (x) girlfriend I would yell in my sleep but without opening my mouth. Yet I could see what was going on it real life during that occasion. weird stuff. I'm not new to lucid / vivid dreaming but its been quite some time since a dream like this has happened.
Things are starting to click again. I'm having all these thoughts that start out seeming natural, then I realize "holy shit thats brilliant" or "omg I didnt realize that" which throws off the rest of the train of thought. I wouldnt label this conscious resistance but rather my excitement about my thinking and realizations are overshadowing the ability to continue the smart train of thought. If that makes any sense. For instance I just realized how to get a ton of instagram likes and followers. I picked up my phone, started doing it without realizing, then thought "oh shit, LOL cool!" and then wrote down the strategy.
I'm becoming more aware of situations that held me back in the past. My concussion and not being able to function or think properly, my mom threatening me to do my homework as a kid and filming me doing it saying she was going to show my teacher (third grade) if I didnt finish it, My teacher yelling at me and saying I couldn't draw anymore during indoor recess (drawings which I was very proud of) while other kids were allowed to (because I made a drawing club and didn't allow my less skilled classmates to be in it), Moving states in middle school (8th grade) and falling behind on my math so that I could socialize with whoever I was able to before I moved away, failing math classes so many times over the course of high school and college, My parents always yelling at me and comparing me to my younger brother... "You're never organized. You never study. You're always out goofing around. We trust your brother because he gets good grades. Your brother is always so organized." I become aware of the cause of my distaste toward learning, process the thought, become mad, then quickly release the thought and allow it to leave me. I was in diapers practically when I heard my grandma call my mom by her real name so I wanted to be smart and yelled out my moms real name to demonstrate my knowledge only to have her yell at me and tell me never to call her that. Wow... deep stuff. Being told "not to think" and to "sleep when you get the urge to think or do anything" when I was going through my concussion. Jeez, dude. My dad telling me on a handful of occasions that I never follow through with anything has made me not want to do things at all. He even said that to a client of mine back when I did freelance website design. I was so pissed at him. It made me feel hopeless and worthless and not want to innovate or push myself anymore. God damn I have a lot of shit buried. I'm usually recognized as the good looking brother and my brother being the smart one. I've had a handful of x's in the past who would disable me and not let me do things, and consequently they would take charge and think for me which was emasculating and I became used to it. My x's telling me i'm just not good at X or I should't try to do X. I tried to get diagnosed with ADD or ADHD in high school because starting sophomore year I wasn't able to think or stay focused worth shit. I woke up eeeextraaa early to take an ADD test at a psychiatrists (or whoever's) office only to have him tell me in front of my parents "Your son doesn't have ADD, he's just really slow. THANKS ASSHOLE! As a kid, after seeing Mary Poppins, I wanted to try to float in the sky like her so in front of my uncles I jumped off the swingset in my backyard with a large umbrella hoping to float... only to have every one of my uncles express disgust , shake their heads, moan and groan about how I was being a stupid sissy... as a kid I was in tears after that and couldn't look at any of them for a very long time. That and the next example, are honestly probably why I have issues with guys in general. As a kid at my grandpa's house I got yelled at for going near the stove when all I wanted to do was be scientific and investigate what was being cooked on the stove. Sounds stupid but hat one hit hard as I only see those grandparents every few years. I grew up knowing that my parents didn't love eachother but was brainwashed to think otherwise and that everything was normal. I was taught by my parents to just go with the flow, not to speak up, not to correct people, not to challenge people. What a load of shit. That's probably why I always want to get out now and experience life - because I was always told as a kid I couldn't do things. Hell, I wasn't even allowed to cross the street by myself until I was 10 or 12.
ALRIGHT, SO if you read all that I'm pretty messed up lmao. I haven't thought about any of those things for quite some time, and certainly never all of them in the same instance like this. Good frikkin grief. Thanks MLS, you're a good guy lol.
I had a lucid, sleep paralysis-like dream when I napped during my lunch break. My apartment is very close to work, hehe. MLS playing in headphones while napping.
I was sitting in an office. Seemed like somebodys executive office. Nice desk, nice comfy arm chair in the corner. Arm chair super comfy. I got up from the chair as a man walked in. I was apologetic and said something like "I'll let you return to your duties" or something of the sort to acknowledge it was his office and he was important, although I didnt have any remorse for being in the office without him. Walking out of his office I found myself in a very small gym. I leaned on an upright machine to get my bearings when I noticed I wasnt wearing any pants! Ha, classic. I was wearing bright red boxer briefs. At that moment it physically felt like I was being dragged down. If you've ever experienced parts of a lucid dream it can physically feel like you're being sucked down or back as if a ghost were tugging on you. I was being dragged down and I 'woke up' (or so I thought) and was now in my apartment on my couch, exactly how I was in real life. I heard a noise in my bathroom so I looked up, and I became aware that some otherworldly force was charging at me and was now (invisible) in front of me. I yelled "GET AWAY FROM ME! GO AWAY!!!!", experiencing a very intense feeling of being dragged down into the couch like I was flying backward, at which point I woke up.
I've had dreams like this before in the past. According to my (x) girlfriend I would yell in my sleep but without opening my mouth. Yet I could see what was going on it real life during that occasion. weird stuff. I'm not new to lucid / vivid dreaming but its been quite some time since a dream like this has happened.
Things are starting to click again. I'm having all these thoughts that start out seeming natural, then I realize "holy shit thats brilliant" or "omg I didnt realize that" which throws off the rest of the train of thought. I wouldnt label this conscious resistance but rather my excitement about my thinking and realizations are overshadowing the ability to continue the smart train of thought. If that makes any sense. For instance I just realized how to get a ton of instagram likes and followers. I picked up my phone, started doing it without realizing, then thought "oh shit, LOL cool!" and then wrote down the strategy.
I'm becoming more aware of situations that held me back in the past. My concussion and not being able to function or think properly, my mom threatening me to do my homework as a kid and filming me doing it saying she was going to show my teacher (third grade) if I didnt finish it, My teacher yelling at me and saying I couldn't draw anymore during indoor recess (drawings which I was very proud of) while other kids were allowed to (because I made a drawing club and didn't allow my less skilled classmates to be in it), Moving states in middle school (8th grade) and falling behind on my math so that I could socialize with whoever I was able to before I moved away, failing math classes so many times over the course of high school and college, My parents always yelling at me and comparing me to my younger brother... "You're never organized. You never study. You're always out goofing around. We trust your brother because he gets good grades. Your brother is always so organized." I become aware of the cause of my distaste toward learning, process the thought, become mad, then quickly release the thought and allow it to leave me. I was in diapers practically when I heard my grandma call my mom by her real name so I wanted to be smart and yelled out my moms real name to demonstrate my knowledge only to have her yell at me and tell me never to call her that. Wow... deep stuff. Being told "not to think" and to "sleep when you get the urge to think or do anything" when I was going through my concussion. Jeez, dude. My dad telling me on a handful of occasions that I never follow through with anything has made me not want to do things at all. He even said that to a client of mine back when I did freelance website design. I was so pissed at him. It made me feel hopeless and worthless and not want to innovate or push myself anymore. God damn I have a lot of shit buried. I'm usually recognized as the good looking brother and my brother being the smart one. I've had a handful of x's in the past who would disable me and not let me do things, and consequently they would take charge and think for me which was emasculating and I became used to it. My x's telling me i'm just not good at X or I should't try to do X. I tried to get diagnosed with ADD or ADHD in high school because starting sophomore year I wasn't able to think or stay focused worth shit. I woke up eeeextraaa early to take an ADD test at a psychiatrists (or whoever's) office only to have him tell me in front of my parents "Your son doesn't have ADD, he's just really slow. THANKS ASSHOLE! As a kid, after seeing Mary Poppins, I wanted to try to float in the sky like her so in front of my uncles I jumped off the swingset in my backyard with a large umbrella hoping to float... only to have every one of my uncles express disgust , shake their heads, moan and groan about how I was being a stupid sissy... as a kid I was in tears after that and couldn't look at any of them for a very long time. That and the next example, are honestly probably why I have issues with guys in general. As a kid at my grandpa's house I got yelled at for going near the stove when all I wanted to do was be scientific and investigate what was being cooked on the stove. Sounds stupid but hat one hit hard as I only see those grandparents every few years. I grew up knowing that my parents didn't love eachother but was brainwashed to think otherwise and that everything was normal. I was taught by my parents to just go with the flow, not to speak up, not to correct people, not to challenge people. What a load of shit. That's probably why I always want to get out now and experience life - because I was always told as a kid I couldn't do things. Hell, I wasn't even allowed to cross the street by myself until I was 10 or 12.
ALRIGHT, SO if you read all that I'm pretty messed up lmao. I haven't thought about any of those things for quite some time, and certainly never all of them in the same instance like this. Good frikkin grief. Thanks MLS, you're a good guy lol.
