Jennie's Journal with Emotional Pain Relief and Healing Aid

[Fonzy3]

I'm always happy while walking. You feeling better clearly sent the universe a message and you got a sale! That's awesome to hear that your emotions supported you towards achieving that goal. Are you with an affiliate program of some sort? Good to hear of your results about how long do you intend on using EHPRA

Thanks

Fonzy

[jennielee]

I'm always happy while walking. You feeling better clearly sent the universe a message and you got a sale! That's awesome to hear that your emotions supported you towards achieving that goal. Are you with an affiliate program of some sort? Good to hear of your results about how long do you intend on using EHPRA

Thanks

Fonzy

Lol ive only had one sale so far and it was before i felt better. No im not part of an affiliate program. But yeah i definately hope that these changes and my focus do send a message toward the universe that leads to success. Right now i am dealing with the latest monkey wrench thrown into things. Apparently on the site im selling on im being forced to list one of my collaborators that wanted to stay anonymous. Thankfully im allowed to use a pen name. Unfortunately i cant ask that person how they want to be listed so i just have to find the happy middle ground i guess.

[jennielee]

Ok, so today turned out to be pretty productive. Spent a bunch of time overhauling things having to do with my business. Hopefully time will tell how good i did.

On a more personal side im still finding it hard to forgive myself for my mistakes. Its pretty tough when im not sure the person i hurt can forgive me. Hopefully they will, and hopefully they will tell me if they do. Thankfully though im putting my emotional side in the back seat so i dont get hung up with it and slowed down.

I think if i didnt i would just spend forever crying, and thats not an option. I really hope these growing pains are over with soon. Im going to just try to plow through and get done with this as quick as possible.

[jennielee]

Well i ended up going to the hospital just to wait hours to be told its a virus. Well at least everything else checked out ok.

Im kind of annoyed at something someone told my mom. I ended up getting chewed out and lectured. Anyway im.looking foward to bed tonight. Im exausted. At least i didnt do anything id regret today.

[jennielee]

Day 19: im not quite sure how i feel today. Im still physically sick. At the moment i just feel empty emotionally. Ive pushed myself pretty hard these past few days, and probably too hard. Its been a long time since ive been sick.

The emotional turmoil has been almost more than i can bear. I guess i just need time to work it all out. Who knows. I was told that all things come in cycles. I hope so. I really hope this pain goes away soon.

I dont know why the loss of one person can turn me so far upside down its not even funny. No one else has ever had this affect on me.

Edit: well me and my daughter had a nice picnic breakfast. I was hoping to catch some people at the park to sell to, but no such luck today. It started to look like rain, and i wasn't feeling well, so we packed up and went home after our picnic.

[jennielee]

I feel the edge starting to come off of the emotional pain a little this afternoon. It seems that the sub is working on my most recent heartaches. I am not there yet, but its slowly getting better. Im starting to feel a little better physically too. I wonder if there was any correlation between my physical illness and my emotional downturn and upheavals. Regardless ive been maxing out my listening time to as close to 21 hours as possible. Guess we shall see where this journey takes us.

[jennielee]

Ok, so today ive been doing some reflection. I have done all i can for my business for the moment, so its time to focus on me. I was poking around through the forums and found information that it takes 32 days to make/change a habit. So ive decided to put some focus on my personal growth. Im going to set goals and find habits i can begin training myself on. I may or may not post that progress here, it all depends. I feel like the weights are starting to lift off of me. I feel strongly that at the moment i need to focus on submission. I need to submit to life so to speak and accept the things i cant change. I need to be realistic in whats changeable. I need to also focus on the area of trust, and submitting out of trust to be able to accept some things too. I need to realize that i dont have to control everything, sometimes its ok to let go and accept it.

I also feel strongly that i need to build habits that will focus me towards my goals of being successful and a better mother. I am going to start a paper journal that will help me continue to focus and reflect. I promised my friend that i would do the things i needed to, and one day look foward to handing him my journal so he can see the journey in keeping my promise.

I am also feeling more motivated to change for the right reasons. I am not focusing on doing them just to win him back, but rather out of love. Love for my daughter who deserves the very best, love for him and all he has done, and most important love for myself. I plan to be a better person no matter what it takes.

This sub has finally started taking some major chunks out of things. I am healing and growing in ways i never expected.

I have looked over my behavior patterns and habits and discovered the biggest and first one that needs to change is submission.

To my best friend thank you for all you have done. I hope i will make you proud.

[jennielee]

So tonight was very productive. I managed to write out a daily routine etc for myself along with goals etc. In the morning i am going to begin work on some of my studies which i haven't really been doing fully, but rather partially because i was making the excuse i didnt have time to do it all and do it right. Tomorrow (lol or rather in a few hours) i am focusing on following rules and doing things exactly the right way and not my way. Its time to step up in all ways. I am starting over from scratch in one particular area because it needs to be done and done to the letter.

I am starting to feel alot better now i have put some structure to focus on in place. I finally feel myself letting go and accepting things for what they are. I find myself starting to focus on the future and no longer dwelling on the things that are. I am starting to put trust in the timing of things, and that there are things i cannot see at work. This is probably one of many good changes to come as a result of what happened.

Besides you dont have to be with someone to love them and have them in your heart. I am finally starting to see what that meant and how its possible.

Anyway the to do list is done for today and its time to relax and focus my thoughts before going to bed.

[jennielee]

Day 20: i have now successfully figured out what i did wrong each of the times ive screwed up. Now i have identified it I can change it. Its fear of submission and fear of not being in control. I still find myself slipping back to the same thought patterns, but this time i am actively replacing them and consciously changing them and stopping myself when i find myself having thoughts about finding ways around the rules, about not being accepting and trusting of the way things are. On a conscious level i know that his timing has always been right, and his advice and reasons have always been right. I am currently working to stop my fears from controlling me and causing me to act in ways i shouldn't. I really wish i had his help in all this, but i know thats not possible. Part of the point of all this was for me to figure out things for myself. Its a rough road, and its this way because i missed the exit for the easier one. Perhaps at the next exit i can take a road thats less painful. The only way im going to get there though is to focus on wisdom and success. So anyway its off to another day at the park. Maybe today i will actually be able to talk to someone.

[jennielee]

Well today's trip to the park turned out productive! I actually mustered up the confidence to talk to 3 people. One individual and a couple. I actually made my first in person sale! If i can do that at least an average of one small sale a day, i should be able to make the bills this month one day at a time im moving foward and doing better. Writing out a routine for myself has really helped put me on track again. I feel less afraid today and more confident.

[jennielee]

Talk about weird... my ex husband is now trying to get me back... :/ man if i could sell my story to a soap opera id make a fortune lol. Things never cease to be interesting.

He sat there trying to bribe me with being able to go to school for whatever i wanted etc.. i flat out told him no. There is way more to life than he realizes. Anyway I wonder what weird stuff will come next lol! Seems the universe is testing me at the moment.

[jennielee]

Day 21: i have found myself struggling today. I went back to a place we had been together and its all i can do to keep from crying. I am trying to face this, i am trying to let go but i never expected it to hurt this much. I am having such a hard time at the moment just keeping it together nevermind putting my thoughts where they should be. I feel very much like im pouring alcohol on an open wound. I have to face this i guess. I need to be stronger. I feel incomplete like part of me is missing. I wonder if he knew how much pain id have to go through for the greater good. Well i guess this is one case of whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Hopefully it passes soon. Im sick of hurting.

[jennielee]

I noticed something odd today with my health which could mean something or nothing. Only time will tell. If its something its sure to be a double edged sword.

Sigh as if i didnt have enough to think about.

[jennielee]

Day 22: i got some much needed advice early this morning and took it to heart. I found some time to relax, be still and peaceful. For the first time if even for a few minutes it was as if everything was ok.

This morning i am listening to my gut. I am pretty sure i know whats going on, and the timing that i need to wait for. Im scared, but at the same time i am accepting it in my head. I really dont know how i feel yet. Part of me hopes im right and part of me hopes im wrong.

Im very glad to have the support of people here on the forum. Im not sure where i would be without it, and i am sure grateful for it.

Looks like todays plans are some cleaning in the morning, and maybe a trip to the park later depending on how i feel. The cleaning is overdue and will likely help me feel more at peace.