Jennie's Journal with Emotional Pain Relief and Healing Aid

[Patti]

Jennielee, I am really enjoying your posts so keep em' coming! Sometimes the road on these subs can get bumpy and you sound very much like myself when I first started listening. We need to know and figure out what's happening to us and why? I think (for me) it was more of a justification or evidence that the programs were doing something. As time goes on, you'll question less and less and be open to just what's happening. Know that your at the best place you can be, using the best programs out there to grow and learn much about yourself. Try to be patient and cry if you need to, punch your pillow if you need to, walk/run if you need to. Do whatever you need to do (legally) to feel better. Things will improve! And because you have such a positive outlook, I believe that's gonna start happening sooner than later.

[jennielee]

Well after thinking things through i figured that going to the hospital probably would cause problems. For one i wouldn't have a way home, and the trouble it would cause wouldn't be worth the cure, and the likelihood its anything that could be life threatening is slim. In other news Im increasing the number of hours per day im using the sub to as many as possible. Hopefully it will keep my subconscious busy being productive instead of sabotaging things. Im slowly trying to let go and just trust things to happen for the best. Im not totally there yet, but im getting closer.

Another thing ive come to is that it doesn't matter who you were, what matters is how you shape who you become. I am starting to finally figure out who i want to be. When i get there it will be worth celebrating. The past is the past, but tomorrow can still be molded through my actions today.

[swisston]

Do you have a relaxing hobby or something you can do just for fun to take your mind off things for a while? It sounds like you need to take some serious time out to relax and relieve the stress. Can you take your daughter to the zoo or something like that?

[jennielee]

Well right now i dont really have any that are practical. I could go brush my step uncles horses, but thats a 10 mile ride each way, and im currently without a car and trying to launch a business. Right now i cant afford to be lax on things. The utilities arent going to stay on long if i dont get to work. The one person that brought me comfort sanity and relaxation is currently not in my life at the moment. Im just juggling a whole lot right now. Im out on my own for the first time and so far ive only made $20 for the month. It may even be a couple dollars less because i screwed up too. If i dont make some sales soon its not looking good. But i have hope, its only been about a week since i started my business. There is still a couple more weeks to make up for it.

[jennielee]

I found some great information in a book i was reading by Zig Ziglar. "No, the prospect won't change his mind, but he will be delighted to make a NEW decision, based on NEW information"

It brings me a little comfort knowing that if i change, and there is "new information" then just maybe not all hope is lost and maybe there can be a new choice. Its a book on sales, and in the example they were using how a person may say no at first, but then additional information is added and it changes things for example inside or outside the city for taxes.

Im looking forward to making new choices for myself too with the new information im getting. Im not locked into a choice, if the new information changes what the first choice was based on, and therefore im not changing my mind, im just using the information i have to make the choice with the additional information factored in.

I apologize in advance for the grammar etc. I am way over tired and still not feeling well.

[jennielee]

Today is really weird, i was taking out the trash and got asked out to dinner by a creepy old guy old enough to probably be my grandpa lol! I ended up telling him no, but that was creepy and a bit weird to say the least. Unfortunately he lives in the community and im really hoping not to have to deal with him too much.

[Benjamin]

Why is that creepy? A man going for what he wants? I don't see any problem with it. I give him props for it especially with the social pressure from people telling him that he shouldn't do stuff like that.

I was saying to a friend the other day i'll probably be one of these guys who is 50 and going for girls who are 18 still.

Though I guess i've never been asked out by someone as old as my grandma.

Anyway, it's good to see you're getting some results with this.. and by that I mean emotionally.. not the result of being asked out by an old man.

-Ben

[jennielee]

It was more of both he was creepy, and he was way too old. Plus when the guy smells like rancid urine from at least 2 arms lengths away there is definately an issue there. Besides i do have standards lol!

[Benjamin]

Haha oh, the urine doesn't sound too attractive!

I once had a crazy, middle age woman with really bad teeth who was smoking outside a supermarket once and she was being really suggestive. I basically asked her if she was saying what I thought she was saying, then she called me a "fat c***" but then she come up to me in the supermarket going to me loudly "don't you ever call me fat". When it was her that said it to me.

Her method of seduction was about as good as the urine smelling method.

-Ben

[swisston]

It does sound a lot like you had an unhealthy dependency upon your ex for your own happiness, which probably put a lot of pressure on him too. Hopefully once you are out of the crisis period, and your business is going, you will be able to try to build up your self love, confidence and acceptance.

Longer term, the Alpha Female sub which would give you a lot more inner confidence to just be happy in yourself.

Hope that I am not interfering or over stepping any boundaries here

[jennielee]

Thanks for all the comments. @ swisston ive had problems with being codependent in general. He knows that he is too much of a distraction to me, and he didnt want to hinder me from the important goals in life. It just really hurts, that he is out of my life because he was one person i can say actually loved me enough to always do the right thing by me. But all in all its my own fault. If i had listened and followed his advice i wouldnt be in this spot.

Day 18: i had less trouble sleeping, but still had some none the less. Im still sick and think im coming down with something. I find myself starting to focus on the right things now even though losing him has left a gaping hole in my heart. Thankfully though i haven't been too self destructive. More importantly i haven't tried to put anyone else into my life. I find myself content being alone and waiting to see what happens in the future. He is worth waiting for even if he never comes back. Right now though i am just trying to do my best to make him proud by honoring him and becoming successful in the ways he asked me to and in the ways i should. The added hours of the sub seem to be helping me stay focused. Im still grieving but its not to the point that my whole life is focused on it. Im just trying to stay focused on the good memories as much as i can. I know he watches over me and checks on me. Im hoping one day what he sees will be enough for him to knock on my door and come back. But with all things there is no guarantee so regardless i need to focus on the things that are in my life. My daughter and providing for her is my main focus now.

My next challenge is on me too for my business. I need to find some creative way of getting people to buy. Im getting alot of resistance and some of it seems to be the fact i don't have a reputation as of yet, someone also suggested that my pricing was weird. Im not sure what it is exactly yet. Maybe im just expecting too much at the start. Im considering a few things for getting it out there, but i dont have money for business cards yet which would go a long way with in person interaction. What i have already learned is helping me quite a bit, but it seems there is way more to figure out. Im just trying to educate myself as much as possible on a daily basis. I know my mom would probably help me if i got into a bind, but thats not the point of all this. I have to do it without help as much as possible.

Im done making the same stupid mistakes, im ready to stop running from responsibilities but most of all im ready to start embracing this change even if the road is rough. I see this sub as pushing me to where i need to be. Now that ive stopped digging my heels in the ground maybe things can move a bit faster. I plan on using this program likely for 6 months to a year. Next on my list is LTU. But first i have to get through this.

[jennielee]

Ok, so i need an opinion on this one. In my mind i got the idea that maybe i should get a part time job to supplement my business. I am wondering if that is from fear that i cant make it or something else. Is getting a part time job being smart or lacking confidence in making my business a success.i dont want to doubt my ability to succeed. I dont know if im being insecure or scared at the moment. I have to stay positive because if i fear failing at the business it will manifest and become self fulfilling. So is this a fear i need to shake or is this me just being smart?

[jennielee]

Ok so i think ive figured this one out. Im being scared of the risk and uncertainties that lie with the ups and downs of a business. In thinking about a job i was seeking a security blanket. I mean realistically if i couldn't succeed and couldnt make this support me, my friend wouldn't have set me up to start this. They would have told me if i needed to do something different. I need to have that same confidence in myself that they have in me. I still fear that my fears are going to hurt me. I need to force that negativity out of my mind as fast as possible. Now the next question.. how do i do that. If i run back to what ive always done then i wont get anywhere different. Logically i know i have to push as hard as i can with this business and give it my everything, but i am scared that i wont make enough for the bills. I really want to conquer that fear asap. If i dont then i will fail. So i guess today is going to be about building my confidence and positive affirmations. I have to trust myself no matter how scared i get. I can do this. I can't afford not to.

[jennielee]

Ok so ive definately made some good strides today with my business examination. The added focus on priorities is certainly helping. Unfortunately its also revealed two major things that im struggling to fix. First im missing information that i can't obtain now without getting myself deeper into crap, and second i really should have done the product photography when i had access to a professional setup.

On the plus side i found a way to really improve on things and offer more options (eventually).

Today is seemingly a good day for all sorts of self examination. Now the hard part solving the problens lol!

I am really glad that im starting to pick myself up and focus. The quest for making things (my business and myself) better is starting nicely. Before this sub i would collapse, become negative, run for help or give up. Now im focusing with such intensity on pushing through, and solving things myself instead of running or looking to someone else.

I am so greatful for the ways this sub is helping me grow. In just the last couple days since upping the usage time i am seeing alot of great improvements. Im not crying like a little kid when i dont get my way anymore. Im not constantly looking to others to solve my problems. I can push past my emotions and actually stop to think for a change. My feelings arent the center of my world anymore, my goals and my daughter have taken center stage while myself and anyone else have taken a backseat.

My only question is why now? Why not earlier before i screwed things up? Guess there isnt much sense in dwelling on it. Its the past and cant be changed. I beed to accept it and focus on the things that can be changed. Besides you cant plow a field very well if you are always looking backwards instead of fowards.

I found a great quote to really reflect my feelings on this. "Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant" Robert Louis Stephenson.

Well i guess its time to go put my head to use solving the problems on my plate.