Jennie's Journal with Emotional Pain Relief and Healing Aid

[jennielee]

Ok, so here goes. I am about 5 days into restarting this subliminal. (apparently I have trouble with the silent version and needed to switch to the masked for some reason which i'm still trying to figure out.)

So far since the switch I've noticed extreme difficulty sleeping. I seem to come in and out of sleep as if i drank several expresso's right before laying down to sleep. The first couple days I had a nice headache to go along with everything.

Over the past few days I have been confronted head on with realizations of things i'm afraid of. Its been kinda like you're afraid of ___ what are you going to do about it. I wanted to know what fears were at the root of things in my life, so I guess wish granted on this one. I was even afraid to start this journal. I still am not sure why given that I don't normally have issues with stuff like that. So after realizing this little fear I basically said to myself HA! that one I can do something about, so here I am. Plus I had some inspiration from another user's journal which helped me break over the fear.

I've been having strange dreams too these last few days when I do manage to finally slip away from being conscious for a little bit.

Here's a list of some of the fears I've discovered and am hoping will solve themselves by the end of this subliminal:

1. Fear of Failure- This is a big one for me. Its even gotten so bad that I'm screwing things up because i'm so focused on not screwing up and my fear of doing so
   
2. Fear of not being good enough- This is another big one. Last night I felt myself starting to feel that maybe I wasn't good enough for a particular person thats in my life. This one brought me to the point of crying last night.
   
3. co-dependence- This one is one that i've been in denial of before, but now i'm forced to admit it exists. Its one that really has me up in the air over things.
   
4. Insecurity- for some reason i was feeling terribly insecure the other day.
   

Some of these fears were kicked in the butt before through hypnosis, so i'm strongly suspecting that there is a deeper fear that I haven't found yet that is causing these to keep coming back.

with any luck i'll hopefully be able to keep up with this journal.

[jennielee]

Ok so here is a little update. Its lunch time and I find my brain starting to dissect the fears and find reasons for how irrational they are. I guess this is the next step in this process. I don't know if these fears are starting to go or not, but they are seeming more and more silly as I go along.

Here's what I've got so far.

For my fear of failure, i shouldn't be afraid of it. All failure is is finding ways that don't get you the end result, but if you keep at it you can't fail. you just find ways that don't work until you find the way that does

Fear of not being good enough, well if i wasn't good enough why would that person have me in their life? obviously i have to be good enough, and i'm just being self defeating.

That's what i've gotten so far, and just fyi the EPRHA sub has been playing all night and so far all morning for me.

I'm really hoping these are breakthroughs and not just temporary.

[ffaux]

Awesome! Keep going. The introspection and realisations is so relieving when they happen.

[jennielee]

Thanks ffaux!

Day 6: ok so last night I had some really weird and freaky dreams which seemingly make no sense. The first one was an elevator that wasn't working right. It would go down easily but not up like it was supposed to. I was standing there talking to the repair person. Then i was doing security in the place with the elevator, but it was like the elevator was the only thing that mattered. Then the next dream after that i can barely remember but it had something to do with a semi truck that was running, but not running right. Lastly there was some sort of dream about a weird party where at some point i ended up in some open body of water on a float having a black lab pulling it around trying to see how long it would take to throw me off into the water.

so anyway i'm not sure if any of these are symbolic of something, but i guess time will tell right. in other news i'm starting to feel alot more positive today than i was the other day.

[jennielee]

Day 7: so again another night filled with weird dreams that seemingly make no sense. There was an island and a horse stable involved, as well as some weird town. the distance between the two areas was very small, but separated by what could be a large canal of sorts. there was an area with boat ramps on either side to allow you to put a small boat in the water, but the boats all seemed scarce.

so anyway aside from that, yesterday I spent some time thinking about a statement someone made to me that really hurt. I took the time to dissect why it bothered me, and what i can do about it. I came to a point where I have to take a stand and not allow any failures to feel like they mean the end of the world. Before this was one of the things that had me so tied up in my fear of failing. Now its time for that to change. sure everything has its consequences, but they can't mean the end of the world for me any more. so today i'm really going to focus on shifting my view of my failings. from now on they are just a stepping stone toward my goal of success and becoming a better person.

[jennielee]

Ok so days 8 and 9 i wasn't able to listen to the sub because i wasnt at home.

Day 10: alot has happened in the past couple days. Ive had sone serious ups and downs. My promise to myself about failures not meaning the end of the world was really put to the test. I had done something stupid, and it pushed someone very close to me out of my life at the moment. Its not all bad news though. My stupidity was caused by fears that i hadnt yet outgrown. The person close to me walked away because i wasnt learning what i needed to, and by them leaving ive been forced into a position where i have no choice but to learn. In the midst of all this ive finally gotten my first appartment that wasnt shared with either a guy or family. Im finally out on my own and having to be independent and standing on my own two feet. Now out of necessity i will be able to overcome my co dependence. I am even starting a business that previously i didnt think was possible. But now after my first day in the new place i feel so strong, liberated and most of all tranquil. I am still fighting off the urge to cry over my loss, but it will only slow my focus on the future down. So i guess its time to get moving with my eyes towards the future.

[jennielee]

Day 11: so today i was able to overcome my first test. I had a huge wrench thrown into the works, and really had to struggle not to go into a full blown panic and go running for help. I found the solution and am in the process of putting it into use. Im really proud of myself for working Through the problem instead of becoming as negative and scared as i would have before starting this sub. The effects are really starting to show. The fact that im not curled up in a ball crying, and am actually solving problems truely is a testament to how far ive already come. I look foward greatly to the future.

[jennielee]

Day 12: well another day has passed. I am still looking foward to the future, but there is stiill a sadness in my life over the loss, but then again its not really a loss because of the fact ive gained so much from it. It still hurts, but slowly im starting to get back on my feet. Ive put more time into being a better mother and beginning the road to success and widsom. I have a newfound confidence though that i am capable of standing on my own. My co dependence is fading. My fears of failure are still there, but are very much being surpassed by the confidence i have in the fact i can succeed. The risks im taking will yield great rewards im sure. I have too much on the line to fail. My only choice is to succeed.

[jennielee]

Day 13: today i woke up nauseous and feeling like dirt. Im hoping its just sonething i ate and not something worse. On the bright side im not scared of being on my own. I find myself able to do things i couldnt before (such as squashing bugs lol). On top of that i find that i am vecoming a neater person too. I am doing far more cleaning than i used to be motivated to do. I have managed to walk about 2 miles a day the past few days. Im not sure if im going to do much walking today, but i did make it out to the store for some milk even feeling sick. I really wish i didnt have to learn this the hard way. Guess thats what i get for being such a bonehead at times.

[jennielee]

Update: so today I decided to go walking even though i felt like dirt and it helped me feel better to a degree. Then as im walking i get an email notification that I made my first sale! I got so excited that i almost completely forgot about how i felt. So i ran and got my shipping supplies etc, and got about a block in the direction of the post office before realizing that it was closed because today was sunday lol. Anyway i still feel bad physically, but im so glad that my emotional strength pushed me past that. I have a renewed sense of confidence and am really proud of how far ive come!

[jennielee]

Day 14: so today is another day. I feel lousy again this morning, perhaps its just from grief. I am looking foward to taking my first order to the post office today. Hopefully it will distract me for at least a little Bit. I didnt think it was going to be so hard to say goodbye. I know its for the best, but it hurts so much. I made the mistake of picking up a shirt of mine and it smelled so strongly of their signature scent i broke down crying. Everything is a reminder of them lately, but also a reminder of the fact im growing and improving myself daily. I cant make anyone else happy until i find the strength to make myself happy. My consolation is in the fact that i can finally see the bigger picture. And when you see how each piece fits it makes it easier to accept. These are just growing pains on the path to success.

[jennielee]

Update: ok so this evening i had a strange encounter. Either i was talking to myself or it was a message from above. Either way it helped me put things in perspective so that i could stop grieving and start refocusing my energy toward my goals. In this encounter my motivation seemed to need adjustment. So either way the reflection really helped. I find myself feeling happier, more confident and able to redirect myself away from the tears. I really hope this feeling lasts.

[jennielee]

Day 15: ok, so this morning i wake up and head out to get some milk when i noticed a package left at my door. At first i burst into tears having not had the chance to see the person who i knew left it, but then i was able to quickly remind myself that i should be giving the gift of my smile instead of my tears. So in a span of about a mibute i had gone from crying to smiling. Then came my next test. I was strongly tempted to make a Stupid move based on emotions. This time however i was strong enough to think it through and do the right thing. I am really happy i didnt let myself be tempted into a very bonheaded move. Hopefully it was a test that i will continue to pass. I can already see tremendous growth even in just the last few days. Hopefully soon i will master the lessons that im supposed to learn.

[jennielee]

Update: I guess being walked on and hurt by people is a recurring theme. Im sick of it. I refuse to be hurt anymore. No one is worth me being in pain over. So i guess its time to stop letting people hurt me. I guess that makes me cold hearted but i don't deserve to be in pain. Im better than that. No one can take away my happiness unless I let them. So guess what, im not letting anyone take my happiness from me. If that means im single forever so be it. At least ill be happy. I deserve nothing less, and my daughter deserves it too.

Edit: after some time to think, i came to realize that the source of my pain was an attempt to shift blame and not take personal responsibility. Ultimately i am responsible for my actions regardless of being "set up" or not. Its still my choice what happens. I did my best to do the right thing, and thats all i can do. I need to accept what happens as a result and keep moving foward.