Fluffy - US/LM3 - Journal

[Fluffy]

I came so close to getting improve your grades and study habits 4G, but I did not get paid today.

Currently I am coming very close to quitting the English course I am doing, mainly because I have had no motivation to do the homework and because of this I have been falling behind and even missed a few classes.

I have a speaking presentation that needs to happen on the Tuesday coming. I am working Saturday and Sunday nights, so have limited time to prepare. It's so close. So in deadly waters. All this pressure, lack of motivation has me feeling like just letting go and not caring about it no more.

I am barely holding by my finger tips. Really to throw the towel in. I give up on life.

In other areas have suffered to. The motivation behind everything has gone, the spark has be blown out and it has had me questioning if these things are really what I want to do.

The thing is , these days I know better, I know if I can get past this then I have got past a wall that has stopped me in my tracks and made me quit before. I am aware of it and I feel scared because I can easily let go at any moment, I am behind, it feels hard, I don't know if I can make it but it's not over yet.

I made a decision a while ago not to buy any more subliminals, so I have to make do with what I have got and obviously I have US/LM V3 already.

So tonight, is the night that I begin US/LM V3.

I desire to succeed in all areas of my life.

Someone disrespected me recently, and I had so much anger, the person was lucky I walked away. The next day I was calmer but felt so disrespected and felt someone really tested my boundaries and thinking about it made me pissed off and thought how best can I get this person back. Then soon realising that these negative emotions are not the best place to act from I started to think the only way to get someone back is to focus on myself and make my life better and succeed towards my goals. As at the end of the day, that is the only thing that I do have control over.

Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes.

[Fluffy]

3 nights in...

So I got a speaking presentation tomorrow. Day before yesterday managed to write a few points for my speaking presentation, but I have totally left it to the last minute and have not prepared as fully and of best to my ability. When I was writing the points I felt good that I was actually doing something though, as it felt like I am doing this/I can do this.

I should be recording myself and going over my speech tonight at least. But I haven't done my strength training for a few weeks and would love to go workout, especially as I have not been Krav for a few weeks either and I came so close to going but I slept on the carpet this evening as it hit me from working nights on Saturday and Sunday.

I have this urge in side that I want to be productive and organised and get back to making progress in these things, but there will be a time period of adjustment, especially as my pay day is this Wednesday.

I am thinking of cancelling my debit card, so Krav can't take the next payment for this month and then just prepare myself for starting again in the new year, as they are breaking up for Xmas soon anyway.

Yeah I definitely want to do better and I want to make progress in all areas really.

If I didn't go/don't go to English class and do this presentation, I wont be able to pass the exam in June as this speaking presentation is a part of it. I am hoping I can just go there and just speak (I am nervous thinking about that, but I don't have a choice) and this will give me enough time to get my ass in gear and actually do the homework, learn, do better and progress, so I can actually get the required grade in June.

This is on my mind and it is important/priority, I might just get this out the way tomorrow and then go from there towards my other things.

Just going to class and turning up, is the first step!

The thing is, I could give an amazing speaking presentation if I fully prepared for it, so I am going in there not prepared and not my best and I wish I could be someone that was on the ball and gave 100% ...at least I would feel I like am fulfilling my potential and expressing more of who I really am. But to become that I need to be someone that is on the ball, gets shit done early, prepares fully and puts their heart and soul into what they are doing. If I want to succeed at my long term goals, I will have to become that person.

[Fluffy]

I feel like I am going to quit, it just feels hard. What does one do when something they need feels too difficult or challenging and time is running out?

I need a qualification in English or Maths to get onto the next thing. Right about now I wish I did Maths instead, even though I am not that great at it, at least it is logical and have not got to read, analysis, compare and create opinions about boring ass text that I have no interest in what so ever and guess what the writer is thinking/feeling/doing by the words and language features they use...blah fucking blah.

I am hitting a wall man and it don't feel good.

It does not help when the woman teacher gives you stupid examples with feminism written all over it, it feels like being forced to read BS.

[Shannon]

You know what? You're right. We should quit when the going gets tough. In fact, I'm going to quit working on DMSI 3.3 right now, because it's hard to do this! I feel much better now. Sorry y'all, but Fluffy's on to something here. I think I'll go on vacation.

[Fluffy]

You know what? You're right. We should quit when the going gets tough. In fact, I'm going to quit working on DMSI 3.3 right now, because it's hard to do this! I feel much better now. Sorry y'all, but Fluffy's on to something here. I think I'll go on vacation.

LOL that made me laugh.

That actually helped, Shannon. Thanks.

[Shannon]

You know what? You're right. We should quit when the going gets tough. In fact, I'm going to quit working on DMSI 3.3 right now, because it's hard to do this! I feel much better now. Sorry y'all, but Fluffy's on to something here. I think I'll go on vacation.

LOL that made me laugh.

That actually helped, Shannon. Thanks.

Can't hear you. I'm on vacation now.

[Fluffy]

So I was so close to not going into class today I was laying in bed and my emotions where feeling pretty bad when I thought of going. I don't know how but I manged to just get up and go.

My plan was to just go there and just do what I can, but after watching some of the other peeps presentations, I felt I was super unprepared and would just look silly if I went up there. So I said to my teacher I don't think I can do it and had a word with her in private. I basically will be doing my speaking presentation next Tuesday now.

At least I have some time to prepare, all I gotta do is make sure I work on it every day until Tuesday. All I gotta do is just put the work in and I will be alright. Simple right?

[Fluffy]

Is it wrong of me to find it hard to do this mini mock homework?

Am I just being a lazy mother fucker? Or is there truth to me actually hating this topic?

I sat down to actually do this and drew a blank. If my emotions were a sound, it would be the sound of scratching nails down a chalk board times infinite.

[Hatman]

I might be wrong, but I think "Watson believes that men don't have equality, either." should be shaded in, and "15.5 million women will be married in the next 16 years" should be erased.

The rest of the questions I don't really find that difficult to be honest. I guess you just have to be in the mood to do it. And I agree, if you don't find this topic interesting, it may be more difficult to do.

Hang in there!

[Fluffy]

I might be wrong, but I think "Watson believes that men don't have equality, either." should be shaded in, and "15.5 million women will be married in the next 16 years" should be erased.

The rest of the questions I don't really find that difficult to be honest. I guess you just have to be in the mood to do it. And I agree, if you don't find this topic interesting, it may be more difficult to do.

Hang in there!

Nah that is incorrect, it is only for source A. Also you have to write the answers in a certain way, you don't just answer the questions and write how ever you like.

You want to know my feelings? I just sent this email to my teacher:

"Hey Michelle,

Today I actually sat down to do the Paper 2 Mini Mock: Gender and I am finding it difficult.

One of my concerns is that I have no interest what so ever in the whole gender/feminism thing and I feel like I am being forced to be "involved" in it, as I also noticed the speaking presentation example on paper you gave had that vibe too.

I know you are a woman and the majority of the class are women, so it is understandable why you would choose things like this. But seeing as I am one guy, of just two now, it would be better if there was more of a choice to practise with or them be gender neutral. As I am finding it hard enough as it is, let alone being able to relate to it.

I know at the exams any topic can come up, but my concern is just being able to practise the processes in a way that is not being brainwashed with feminism at the same time.

No disrespect intended. I am just sharing my thoughts as I am trying to do better, do the homework, learn and get better but this stuff really puts me off.

Please take this into consideration.

In the mean time... I do have here a Paper 2 MINI MOCK: BARS, which I will attempt with question 4.

Thanks,

Fluffy"

[Hatman]

I might be wrong, but I think "Watson believes that men don't have equality, either." should be shaded in, and "15.5 million women will be married in the next 16 years" should be erased.

The rest of the questions I don't really find that difficult to be honest. I guess you just have to be in the mood to do it. And I agree, if you don't find this topic interesting, it may be more difficult to do.

Hang in there!

Nah that is incorrect, it is only for source A. Also you have to write the answers in a certain way, you don't just answer the questions and write how ever you like.

You want to know my feelings? I just sent this email to my teacher:

"Hey Michelle,

Today I actually sat down to do the Paper 2 Mini Mock: Gender and I am finding it difficult.

One of my concerns is that I have no interest what so ever in the whole gender/feminism thing and I feel like I am being forced to be "involved" in it, as I also noticed the speaking presentation example on paper you gave had that vibe too.

I know you are a woman and the majority of the class are women, so it is understandable why you would choose things like this. But seeing as I am one guy, of just two now, it would be better if there was more of a choice to practise with or them be gender neutral. As I am finding it hard enough as it is, let alone being able to relate to it.

I know at the exams any topic can come up, but my concern is just being able to practise the processes in a way that is not being brainwashed with feminism at the same time.

No disrespect intended. I am just sharing my thoughts as I am trying to do better, do the homework, learn and get better but this stuff really puts me off.

Please take this into consideration.

In the mean time... I do have here a Paper 2 MINI MOCK: BARS, which I will attempt with question 4.

Thanks,

Fluffy"

Double check that. Because you seem to have underlined the answer as well.

"15.5 million women will be married in the next 16 years" is a trick question because source A actually says this: "15.5 million girls will be married in the next 16 years as children"

Would be interesting to hear her response on that one

[Fluffy]

Ah I see what you mean now (I read your post wrong) yeah you are right thanks.

In response to US/LMv3 I am feeling a bit weird.

[Fluffy]

So I did my speaking presentation today, I was so close to just quitting but managed to do what I had to do.

Krav are opening their own training centre and in the new year are changing pretty much everything to do with the training structure/classes etc. I went to see it a little while ago and speak to them about it.

I canceled my last debit card so they couldn't take the payment this month the other week, as I haven't trained for a few weeks and they will break up for Xmas on the 22nd. So totally don't feel like paying £80 this month for nothing, especially as it is Xmas.


Upon looking at the new schedule and and asking about it, they said that if I wanted to carry on they will need to take all my details again, including payment details. I asked them if I sign up now can they hold off the payment until January as I have not been training and Krav breaks up for Xmas on a week and a half, so it feels like I am paying for nothing. They basically said they can't do that and said they will have to take the payment for this month. I got out of it by saying I haven't got my new debit card yet anyway, so I can't give them my payment details. They said they will contact me in a couple of days.

Cut a long story short, reading about the class schedule (which in some ways is less and other ways more) and then speaking about the payment, gave me a negative feeling that made me be put off. Pretty much ended with them to telling me to go off and think about it. Which was a good call, as I am really thinking about it.


Now I am not sure if my feelings will settle after time of thinking, adjusting, adapting to the idea of all this. Or if my feelings are telling me something different.

Time will tell I suppose...

[Fluffy]

2nd night off tonight, will be starting 3rd round tomorrow.

I sorted out the whole Krav thing, I paid this months money and started going back to training and will continue the new training set up in Jan.

I have got back into strength training too, and eating more.

Today I had work and I really did not feel like going to work, I had a moment of losing all hope and thinking of just not going but I then remembered I can call in sick, to buy me some time to sort of speak. I have been questioning what this means, as this is the first time I have felt like REALLY not wanting to go into work with this job.

I am aware of leaving on good terms to get a good reference and giving in one months notice, which is a sensible thing to do for myself when thinking about future job prospects. I am aware of all this from past mistakes and I want to do it all in a good way. I am just concerned because of how I felt today about not working and questioning if this means I should start thinking about a different job, as I do not want to leave it to late and then end up spontaneously just leaving, as in the past my emotions have led me to do that, so I am being consciously aware of doing things properly this time.

Obviously this is just a part-time job, but a part of me says I should stay at a job even if I don't feel I would like to and another part of me thinks that it is ok if I do not like the job and want to get something else and it is also fine if I move from one job to another and keep things fresh and new. When I was thinking about these things, it made me realise that some of them thoughts of sticking something out even if I don't want to can actually be from what society has programmed me to believe (You should continue doing a job you do not like and put up with it, because everyone else in the world does too)

I keep reminding myself it is just a Saturday and Sunday night job and it is ok if I do want to get a different job, obviously the best way is to do it in a way that is proper, for example getting a new job before I leave the current, give a months notice etc.

Then again I don't know if I will feel this about every job and just always move from one to the other. It is just my emotions can start to just get stronger with time if I do not listen to them and I can end up just leaving. I am currently AWARE of this right now, at the first sign (calling in sick because I did not want to go in) but at least I did not just not go and least I chose an option that I can recover from.

I don't feel bad, I am just concerned about my actions of today and I am thinking of my future actions. I will have to some how think about my options.

Fortunately I did my speaking presentation and got that out the way last Tuesday, but I was unable to motivate myself the rest of the week to do the required homework for next week, even though I need to in preparation for a mock exam. I am still attending class which is a good thing.

I have to be honest, I am kind of scared of myself a little bit as if I do not keep myself in check it feel like I can just leave work and not go back and leave English class. I am doing pretty good so far, better then the past. I am just a little bit scared of that part of me just taking over, the more stronger certain emotions of mine get (ones that are really distasteful and repelled), it seems like it has an easier time of just thinking I don't care and leaving.

I keep having to remind myself it is ok if I want to leave though! Because if I don't, then my other side wont like that as it will feel like it don't have a choice and will feel trapped.

I will see what happens...