Fluffy - US/LM3 - Journal

[Fluffy]

I dropped my phone last week and all the screen went weird, It was usable for a little while but then just mirrored everything, so not usable now. I got a quote on the screen to be fixed on Saturday but to be honest I can't afford to spend any money at the moment. Did try getting an old phone from some people but but sim did not fit it and their phones where super old. After much frustration I decided to get a brand new one but on the buy now pay later after 12 months. It should be coming tomorrow.

I was in the middle of speaking to this girl on Whatsapp, we was meant to be meeting this week if she felt better (she got ill). I am not bothered if I do not, as I do see women as a distraction at this moment in my life. But because my phone broke I was unable to read her last message and/or reply to her. Oh well, it is what it is.

When I went to work on Sunday, I felt all these negative feelings about going in and at one point I thought I missed my turning and I have all these flashes of just thinking f*ck it and turning around and going home. I did not miss my turning and I did go to work and ironically I actually had a good shift, in a new area with a new guy that was a pretty decent, nice, positive guy...so that is weird, i don't know why I felt all these negative feelings.

Obviously working nights twice a week, it takes me a few days to feel a bit more normal.

I was meant to go English class today, but I honestly made the decision of not going the night before. I just couldn't be bothered. Especially as I didn't do any homework and/or prepare for the mock exam. Before I would feel really bad about this and feel like all my hopes and dreams have gone down the drain, but I seriously don't give a f*ck, it is what it is.

[Fluffy]

Round 3, day 5.

As from the start I have been using Masked Trickling Stream, last night I switched to Hybrid to see if I feel more of a difference with this one.

Using it last night, it felt like more was going on and that my brain was processing much more, which is a good sign, as it did feel good and I had/remembered quite a few dreams.

So yeah, I will see how things go with the Hybrid, it might work better for me.

[Fluffy]

Yeah so I am definitely dreaming more with hybrid. Last night I had some dream that involved a certain guy that is on YouTube and his girlfriend and his home, they are pretty cool, egoless, humble couple that have wealth. They live in England but are from different countries. Anyway over the years, now and then I have seen into their life through their vlogs. And in this dream I was in their home (really nice home) and I was apart of their life as if I was just one of their friends and it felt really good, I acknowledged that they are quite well known and a YouTube "celebrity" in their own right and here I am with them.

Now, if this was anyone else I would be repulsed (especially if they are arrogant, or if I can feel their ego) but this couple are pretty humble, modest, authentic and in all honesty I would love to have the life they have.

In the dream his girlfriend did come onto me and tried to kiss me and pull me on top of her, apart of me wanted to and another part did not because the boyfriend just went outside the room.

Yeah so just being in that reality with them was nice, as there was a moment of acknowledgedment where I was in their lounge and was looking around the room and at them and thinking this is cool, I am apart of their life ?

Another dream I met up with this friend I used to have in high school and their was a moment where we was in this room and I could "see" all his accomplishments, for example their was a a few canvases where he had been painting and he was sitting down facing away from me and I was looking at this stuff and I said to him you are sooo motivated and accomplishing so much, how do you do it and he laughed positively and got up and walked out the room whilst saying I will show you, as if he was going to get something to explain to me how he does it. I was eagerly waiting for him to return to find out how I can be like him. I remember then looking on a table near by and it was a leaflet of some sort and it was saying about business plans or something like that. (I remembered more when I woke up, but as that was hours ago now a lot of the details have faded away.) But yeah he didn't come back to tell me, as there was moments where I was wondering where he had gone.

So yeah I don't really know what these dreams means per say, nor do I really care but I can see how they are related in some shape or form to the sub.

Here's to more interesting, good vibing dreams like this

On another note, for a few months I have been on a few alternative dating sites, ones that are not mainstream and are only for particular people with particular interests (that is all I am saying). This time round I was only on there just to talk, not to actually meet any women, as I have said before, they are a distraction for me at this time in my life. So I was just playing around with it more, just not really caring and also making stuff up when talking with women as I had no intention of it going anywhere, so I was putting road blocks so it would not go anywhere, anyway. I just liked the talking, I suppose it has been my way of social bonding.

It is strange because I can have this talking, bonding and getting to know someone, but I can't go any further then that, as I have learned from my previous experiences, at how it effects me with my current life situation, circumstances, mental/emotional state. I am just not in a position (in a multitude of ways) to do that. Yes I would love to have a loving relationship, but how I want it to be (in all its glory) can not happen untill I have done and achieved certain things first. This is what I am choosing, as all my previous attempts did not work, so this is my new way and it does feel good to some extent but also sometimes it can feel not so good knowing that I can't have the kind of relationship I want until I get to a certain place in my life. But I know it will be so worth it and when it does happen after I have done all what I set out to do, I will be in a much better place (emotionally, physically, mentally, situationally, financially) to truly be present and truly appreciate the relationship and offer more of my true self.

It all comes down to fulfilling my potential. The more I fulfill my potential, the more whole I am. The more whole I am, the more authentic I am. The more authentic I am, the more chance I have of having a healthy romantic relationship.

I like being on my own in all this, I like knowing that it is all up to me, I am in charge of my destiny. I have wanted to be self sufficient for a long time and what is more self sufficient then knowing the fact that it is all up to me anyway?

I don't need anyone else, I don't need pep talks, I don't need comforting, I don't need guidance from anyone else, all I need is my self and I love knowing that and feeling that. I get off on knowing that I don't need no one. And maybe most of all, at the same time I am saying f*CK you society!

My membership has run out on them dating sites, kind of glad they have as I can't read or reply to my messages on them. Gonna delete them soon and finally let them go and commit ?% to this path. As this path is THEE path for me. This is the best feeling path I have come across and all my trials and tribulations have led me here.

[Fluffy]

Noticing I am being more open with certain people, as in revealing aspects of my past that I wouldn't normally.

I don't like speaking about "stuff" as I don't like to be seen as a past version of myself or share my goals as proof is in the pudding. But for some reason I have and blabbered on about everything revealing my past and everything I have been through and what I intent to do. I don't even know why. Maybe this is what normal people do? Lol.

For some reason I don't seem to care as much as I would once upon a time, kinda now like blah whatever it has been done. Before I would feel exposed and vulnerable and wish I never said anything and then close off even more and then never let it happen again.

I can get a gist of that feeling, but there is a more of indifference to it.

Seriously, I am thinking why did I speak all open and reveal aspects of myself that I have kept hidden from this particular person.

It's not 100% but I think if this continues I might actually turn into a real human being, that is not closed of, feels exposed and vulnerable when speaking about myself and my past.

This has highlighted, how much I have closed myself off socially from feeling exposed and vulnerable.

I hope I am not just imagining this, as it is early days but time will tell for sure!

[Fluffy]

The guy I spoke about that I saw in my dream and saw all his achievements and asked how he had the motivation etc the guy I used to be friends with in school, whom I have not spoke to in years....

Just messaged me on WhatsApp. How weird is that?

[Fluffy]

I got a date today. I know, I know. All what I said before still holds. It is just the other part of me that wants it is come to the forefront for a little bit.

When I start getting involved with a woman like this, I start feeling a strong desire/wish to be better then I am in life.

It don't help that I have not been complety honest about my living situation and my work, but I did do that deliberately (put the road blocks) so it can't go anywhere. But for some reason I am going along with this and actually meeting with her.

And because of this, as she is really nice and seems like GF material. My brain thinks how can I take a quantum jump (in terms of job and living situation) ? ...so I can actually have the life where I have my own place, a decent job...so I can actually have the relationship I want.

My mind has started thinking there must be a way?

What if I created a C.V and just blagged, enhanced, added lots of things that are not true and applied for job that are "out of my league" and just blagged the interview too. Then maybe I can quantum jump?

It is either this or spend yeeeaaarrs.

It don't have to be amazing, just something that is a decent jump up in standard then I have done before and I'll be making progress.

I don't want to think too much of this, as when I get into the specific of having to work a full time job to pay rent on my own place, I start feeling negatives of that...for example paying rent on a nice place but having to work full-time to pay for a place I am hardly at because I am a work.

THIS is why it is easier not to think of getting into relationships. As It feels less stressful and pressured.

So basically I feel if I want to have a good relationship I need to have my own place and a decent job and preferably loaded so the place is nice.

Why do I have to feel this and believe this?

Why can't I have a decent relationship just being who I am?

I can see why there is a part of me that don't want anything to do with women. But my desire for companiship, sex, intimacy is strong, thus why I am going on a date.

I wish I can just have both, with it feeling smooth, easy, stress free.

I really don't like the feeling of me having to have a decent job and my own place for me to have a decent relationship but that is how I would prefer things to be. Seriously in my that is what I desire.

There must be a way I can get that with having to wait 6 years untill I finish a degree?

Seriously, do I have to wait frickin 6 years?

Why can't I have it now?

This is why it feels so much easier, just letting go of women. I just don't get all this stress.

At the moment my strong desire for a relationship, amongst all this resistance, has seemed to found ways around...by lieing about what I do for work and my living situation. What sucks is that it has been working and it has confirmed I have attracted a woman, based on who I actually want be, instead of who I actually am.

But I am pretty good at getting into character and being this guy. As at the end of the day I am the same person just with my own place and a different job.

My brain says it's a win/win situation. You get the girl, you get a new relationship. You don't get the girl you get a stress free life and can go at your own pace without feeling pressured.

The thing is if I did get more serious with this girl, I would actually force myself to actually be this guy I have said I am. A woman I really like and would actually have a relationship with, I would actually better my self so I can have what I want in a way that I want it.....as that would be the only way I can have it.

[Fluffy]

So I had the date earlier, and we had coffee for a few hours. She was just my cup of tea lol. Seriously, she is really nice. I was 100% my self and even unleashed my deep side. She said she is an ENTP and I told her I am either a INTJ or INTP and she said that it is the same for her either ENTP or ENTJ. Which I thought was interesting because she brang out my analytical side and we was discussing things of this nature, which is awesome as with my last girlfriend she would just mostly listen. But this girl actually understood my perspective and even offered her own different perspective on things. Wow, this was like orgasms to my hears. I didn't let her know I was orgasming though lol.

Anyway, I left her and I let her message me first and 3 hours later she messaged me saying "Hey fluffy it was nice to finally meet you in person today. I hope you got home safe." So yeah, all in all it was all good.

What is interesting is I didn't even bother getting a hair cut, sunbed, or trim my beard like I would of before. I just didn't care, I thought this is who I am right now, I want a girl to like me and find me attractive just as I am right now and she did.

I am just going with the flow, just taking it one day at a time. I definitely want to progress in other areas, I want to find a way to quantum leap towards a new direction, a new path. A way I can fulfill all my desires without having to wait 6 years to finish a degree. There must be a way. I remember coming across people in the past years ago that have blagged their way into a decent job without any experience or qualifications. It must be possible!

There must be a way for me to have a new decent career, living in my own place and having a healthy, happy relationship....without waiting 6 years to finish a degree!

If everything is possible, that means there must be a way that exists right now for me to fulfill these desires. I just have to find it and take action towards it!

Please US/LM, light the path....show me the way.

[Fluffy]

So the old friend I met up with yesterday. We went for a few drinks and catched up. He is really good with the ladies, he likes f"cking a lot of women. He is different to me. We are kind of like opposites, he likes one night stands and finds it hard to have a long term relationship ( even though he does want one) but me I am really good at getting into long term relationships but I actually dislike one nights stands.

It was interesting though, the amount of times he wanted to go talk to women at the bar, looking for his next prey. At one point he was getting ready to pounce on these couple of baby dears and his face actually went into a transformation, as if he was getting his self into predator mode. I could literally see his face change into predator/seduction mode. I have never seen anything like it as dramatic as that. It was interesting to observe.

Anyway as it was boxing day, it was pretty dead like hardly anyone out. We catched up for about 3 hours. He lives in London, I don't live in London, I live in a county outside of London. But he was born and bred there and he moved to my county when he was about 14 and that is when I made friends with him in high school. So yeah he lives in London and he has worked as a Personal trainer, club DJ, TV presenter, Model and now he is looking for his next thing.

He asked me what I was doing New year's Eve and said he has been invited to this Columbian girls party in Wales and asked if I wanted to go and he will ask her if he can bring a friend. I said let me know about it and I will see. He said if not that, maybe a party in London.

Well today he said that the one in Wales is too far and said the Italian girl that is renting out one of his rooms ( who he has f'cked, obviously) friend is having a house party and he asked if I wanted to go with them, and sent me a leaflet with the house party details. I said it would be cool to party with him at least once in my life (even though I am so past all this party stuff now but what the heck).

I am not 100% sure what he is going to teach me still (based on that dream) but I am sure it will be something, as this is new territory for me.

[Fluffy]

I have been feeling really stressed these last few days, I thought it was because I started having caffeine again over Xmas, when I have been caffeine free for a long time.

I had coffee Xmas day and boxing day and then I had a cappuccino on my date, which I felt a lot when I went home, felt all the adrenaline as if I wanted to just sprint/smash through walls (I am sensitive to caffeine).

I am feeling kinda weird now but it is most likely a combination of things. One withdrawal from the caffeine and two...feeling of wanting/needing to quantum jump, but hitting a "wall" and feeling the frustration and forceful nature of that. Kinda hitting my head between a rock and brick wall, but emotionally speaking.

I just feel it is not possible for me to quantum jump, it feels so much pressure and stress, it don't feel good.

If I go the academic route it is going to take me 6 years (AND I NEED TO GET FOCUED VERY QUICKLY)

I can't go down that route and work full-time and rent my own place.

It's either one path or the other.

Thinking about this woman and the potential of me wanting to be with her in a LTR, (as that is what I like) and my life needing to be a certain way for me to feel good with having it, being with it. Kinda sucks, because based on my own criteria I can't have it, enjoy it, unless I meet my own criteria.

I thought all this stress is coming from me wanting to take a too big of a jump.

I imagined what it felt like to just let her go. I feel a relief, less pressure, less needing to do mega jumps of independence and success ...but I also feel I am saying bye to a desire of mine that I actually want, a desire that feels so good, a desire that I would love my life to be like.

I wish I could have everything I want, but I feel time is running out and I need to focus on what will get me to where I want to go and I need to work out what that really is.

I understand why I wanted to keep myself away from women, out of all the others I was speaking to, I felt drawn to this one, sort of hypnotised by her, even though I forbid myself from going there with a women.

It is exactly because of this dilemma. I want it but I want it if my life is like this first, but because it is not I can't really have it, even though I really want it.

This why I have become stressed in trying to find a way I can have both.

I am at limbo at the moment, I feel weird from the withdrawal of caffeine and it is not a nice feeling. It won't take me long to feel more balanced and calm on that front maybe 3 more days.

Sometimes I wish I was just a robot and I could just switch myself off. Things shouldn't feel this difficult in life.

[Fluffy]

So we are having the second date Friday

Since I last posted my mind was going through multiple paths TRYING to find a way. It was rough.

I finally, decided to just let go and not TRY. I decided to enjoy what is and go with the flow and whatever happens, happens. I felt much better and felt the emotional weight finally drop off.

I decided to ponder possibilities, possibilities that are in a different direction but feel good to me. I started to be swept up in the possibility and the more I got swept up in them the more I felt like I would like to go in that direction. If I felt resistance I backed off and let go again.

Anyway, I am currently liking the idea of moving out and renting my own place. I felt like I could go from part-time to full-time with my job and I'll be able to do it.

I like the thought of a new adventure into independence.

I would have to quit the English class and the whole idea of me progressing onto the next thing and then finally the BA degree. I have got no motivation for the English class homework anyway, even the mock exam I was meant to do on Xmas holiday because I missed it in class, there is just nothing there, numb, empty.

I feel this sense of new adventure, renting my own place and working full-time that will go along with that.

I will go with the flow and let this unfold naturally as I can't see the whole staircase anyway.

I just finally want my own life, and be my own man, you know.

[THolt]

So we are having the second date Friday ;)

Since I last posted my mind was going through multiple paths TRYING to find a way. It was rough.

I finally, decided to just let go and not TRY. I decided to enjoy what is and go with the flow and whatever happens, happens. I felt much better and felt the emotional weight finally drop off.

I decided to ponder possibilities, possibilities that are in a different direction but feel good to me. I started to be swept up in the possibility and the more I got swept up in them the more I felt like I would like to go in that direction. If I felt resistance I backed off and let go again.

Anyway, I am currently liking the idea of moving out and renting my own place. I felt like I could go from part-time to full-time with my job and I'll be able to do it.

I like the thought of a new adventure into independence.

I would have to quit the English class and the whole idea of me progressing onto the next thing and then finally the BA degree. I have got no motivation for the English class homework anyway, even the mock exam I was meant to do on Xmas holiday because I missed it in class, there is just nothing there, numb, empty.

I feel this sense of new adventure, renting my own place and working full-time that will go along with that.

I will go with the flow and let this unfold naturally as I can't see the whole staircase anyway.

I just finally want my own life, and be my own man, you know.

I don’t know what your native tongue is but I think your English is very good. You seem like you can express yourself well.

[Fluffy]

So we are having the second date Friday

Since I last posted my mind was going through multiple paths TRYING to find a way. It was rough.

I finally, decided to just let go and not TRY. I decided to enjoy what is and go with the flow and whatever happens, happens. I felt much better and felt the emotional weight finally drop off.

I decided to ponder possibilities, possibilities that are in a different direction but feel good to me. I started to be swept up in the possibility and the more I got swept up in them the more I felt like I would like to go in that direction. If I felt resistance I backed off and let go again.

Anyway, I am currently liking the idea of moving out and renting my own place. I felt like I could go from part-time to full-time with my job and I'll be able to do it.

I like the thought of a new adventure into independence.

I would have to quit the English class and the whole idea of me progressing onto the next thing and then finally the BA degree. I have got no motivation for the English class homework anyway, even the mock exam I was meant to do on Xmas holiday because I missed it in class, there is just nothing there, numb, empty.

I feel this sense of new adventure, renting my own place and working full-time that will go along with that.

I will go with the flow and let this unfold naturally as I can't see the whole staircase anyway.

I just finally want my own life, and be my own man, you know.

I don’t know what your native tongue is but I think your English is very good. You seem like you can express yourself well.

Thanks mate, I appreciate that but my native tongue, is the most English of them all, as I am actually English born and bred lol.

It's a qualification so I can get onto the next level then the level above that.

So this is English GCSE which is a level 2.

The next one will be an Access to Higher Education (in a subject/s) which equals level 3, which is also equivalent to 3 A- Levels.

Then there is the 3 or 4 year BA (Hons) Degree, which is level 4, 5 , 6.

Master's degree level 7

PHD level 8.


So yeah I am basically at the bottom lol.

[Fluffy]

Had the second date, it was light hearted, it was cool doing something different for a change. She messaged me after and thanked me ect.

This might sound silly, but this is just how I felt...
When we ended the night, we both had parked in the multi story car park on the same level, just on the other side from each other. We got to the entrance of the car park and it had two doors on either side left or right, I said mine is on the right side and we had to pay for our tickets so I just followed her to her side as she was walking towards her side anyway ( Her side was on the left). We paid for our parking tickets at the machine and then she said "Do you want me to walk you to your car?" I said we are on your side so I will walk you to yours. (She either didn't want me to see her car or she just wanted to see mine, as we was on her side so it was weird to ask.) So I walked her to her car and she has a much better car then me lol and when I saw that she has a nice car I actually started to think it's game over and started to feel interior about my car and started to think I am gonna have to start creating my distance now, as I so don't want to be there in the future when she sees my car and she sees she has a much better car than me.

Anyway, it was on my mind for a little bit...the drive back I didn't care as much as started feeling indifferent. But apart of me feels like I'll be doing her a favour anyway, as she can get someone more loaded, independent, settled ....more on her level.

The funny thing is if I was loaded I would use the car I have now to weed out the gold diggers, as if I had the car I want...I wouldn't want a woman to like me because of my car. If anything, I would hold off a woman seeing my car for as long as possible.

This girl has never asked what car I drive though. If a woman does it says a lot.

Anyway, I'll get over this one way or another, but wanted to express it as it has come up.

[Fluffy]

So thinking of just switching back to my original plan, the academic direction. As I have just realised I have had my head in the clouds thinking that US/LM could magically bring me into a better financial standing and I could find a way to quantum leap.

It is silly of me to think this, I could be waiting forever.

Just seeing that girls car made me realize a few things:

I am not where I want to be.

It's not really about the car because the only way I would get a nice car is if I had my own house first. As I am aware of a lot of people leasing cars to put out a image of success when they don't have a pot to piss in.

I want to be authentic, real, quality.... Not just a weak "front". Thus why I have the car I have (I bought it brand new, 2013 plate and it is all paid for, but I do live at home with my parents and I do only work part-time, mainly because of my intention to study (even though that has been wavering).

If I do decide to continue with the English class etc I will have to try the IYGSH 4G sub as I have been on US/LM3 for 5 weeks and it has not helped me in that area what so ever, especially of late, me wanting to forget about it all together and go in a complete different direction.

Need to try something more specific and see if that helps.

I'll see what happens.