04-10-2018, 08:25 PM
I got up an hour ago, after lying in bed for 4 hours. 2 big cups of coffee before an afternoon doctor's visit stayed in me, exciting my nerves. I'd had UD running on US, and.........I'd been whining to myself since I'm wishing to be productive and successful. UD doesn't (or hasn't) manifested anything like that. And I was restless. I was also toying with jumping on LTU (which I bought a month ago), so I could weasel into AM in a few weeks without anyone knowing I was ditching UD.
I finally jumped up. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to believe in myself, and LTU was my way there. I shut down UD and began LTU on loop. I walked around inside my small place to burn off some caffeine, and I began imagining me telling guys here (in some respectful, kind-of-mature tone) how they were complaining about DMSI but completely being ignorant that 1. they had no RIGHT to more, more, more, and 2. that the old subs are fossils in comparison to 5.5's speed. Also, (probably due to LTU's procrastination message), I began washing my dishes (undone over a week). I cleaned my kitchen, cleaned out my trash, and got together supplies for work tomorrow. And this message of bitching to the guys grew uncomfortably in me.
I slowly realized.......I was mad at myself for doing those very things I'd mentioned. I wanted more, more, more and now, now, now......... It was my frustration at myself. I wanted to point it at anyone else, literally. But I knew it was all about me. All about me. Whenever I have a real vent, I've noticed it's rarely about YOU.
After a loop and 8 minutes, I cut off LTU and resumed the final 2 loops of UD, where I'd cut it off.
It felt kind of sad in me. I'd been thinking--seriously--that this was similar to Stage 2 of AM, the "I can see your BS" stage. However, I really didn't have to dig too much to know my truth. I just felt it. I'd propped myself up, looking down on you, and I was hurting inside. I felt that. I wanted to blame you (anyone), punish you, since........I knew what was right (yikes).
In truth, I want to listen to me (sometimes) but often don't (much lately).
I've wanted the emotional release........f***.....without all the emotion. Yes, it feels good finally letting it out. It's just......I'm having to take a more active part this time. This is very strange to me since I often use subs so I can be a passive recipient without having to do much. Without a doubt this time, I've had to allow myself to feel things. I usually don't have to dig much. But this is very, very unusual in my subliminal experience. I've thought "let the sub do all the work", that of pulling up my weaknesses and ugly stuff.............I've wanted that, very much so.
This is new. And I am whining here. I'm findingme, and I've been whining today.
Emotions, when clearing my stuff, don't feel good. The truth, though, is that I've had my foot on the brake trying to move forward. It seems to make it hurt more. And longer. I've been keeping it in more than letting it out.
I finally jumped up. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to believe in myself, and LTU was my way there. I shut down UD and began LTU on loop. I walked around inside my small place to burn off some caffeine, and I began imagining me telling guys here (in some respectful, kind-of-mature tone) how they were complaining about DMSI but completely being ignorant that 1. they had no RIGHT to more, more, more, and 2. that the old subs are fossils in comparison to 5.5's speed. Also, (probably due to LTU's procrastination message), I began washing my dishes (undone over a week). I cleaned my kitchen, cleaned out my trash, and got together supplies for work tomorrow. And this message of bitching to the guys grew uncomfortably in me.
I slowly realized.......I was mad at myself for doing those very things I'd mentioned. I wanted more, more, more and now, now, now......... It was my frustration at myself. I wanted to point it at anyone else, literally. But I knew it was all about me. All about me. Whenever I have a real vent, I've noticed it's rarely about YOU.
After a loop and 8 minutes, I cut off LTU and resumed the final 2 loops of UD, where I'd cut it off.
It felt kind of sad in me. I'd been thinking--seriously--that this was similar to Stage 2 of AM, the "I can see your BS" stage. However, I really didn't have to dig too much to know my truth. I just felt it. I'd propped myself up, looking down on you, and I was hurting inside. I felt that. I wanted to blame you (anyone), punish you, since........I knew what was right (yikes).
In truth, I want to listen to me (sometimes) but often don't (much lately).
I've wanted the emotional release........f***.....without all the emotion. Yes, it feels good finally letting it out. It's just......I'm having to take a more active part this time. This is very strange to me since I often use subs so I can be a passive recipient without having to do much. Without a doubt this time, I've had to allow myself to feel things. I usually don't have to dig much. But this is very, very unusual in my subliminal experience. I've thought "let the sub do all the work", that of pulling up my weaknesses and ugly stuff.............I've wanted that, very much so.
This is new. And I am whining here. I'm findingme, and I've been whining today.
Emotions, when clearing my stuff, don't feel good. The truth, though, is that I've had my foot on the brake trying to move forward. It seems to make it hurt more. And longer. I've been keeping it in more than letting it out.
I want to be FREE!
