11-23-2019, 02:24 PM
I'm nervous about writing this, but I'm feeling it for some reason.
It's 5 days from Thanksgiving, and I've purposely not hooked up with any family or friends yet to join them. One old MO of mine was using pity, and quite frankly, I do NOT want to use this.
The second motive is ignoring how I've related to people and mostly assuming they thought well of me. I "know" that's my biggest fear now, seeing it while writing.
The simple open door is with my sister. And I'm sick of putting on nice faces around overpowering, manipulative people, which is her norm. Her MO is "my shit stinks! Like it?" And anything truthful is fought against. Her family has learned to agree with her so they don't face her wrath. Quite egotistical.
Yet, I'm torn. I'm blaming, so I call bulls***. I know I put on masks instantly when around her, so I'm enabling her BS. I've seen it time and time again where her reaction to me being honest with her is her playing the angry victim to my truths. She insists on being boss in her home, which is not comfortable due to it demanding we all bow to her demand for control. BUT I think it's a setup. I'm sick of her egotistical ways, and simultaneously, I'm wondering how much I may be projecting my stuff onto her. I can live better by being honest with myself.
Something that pokes me is me seeing myself in her. I have done the exact same as her, meaning not taking responsibility for myself, and putting all my happiness in other's hands, meaning they were expected to "perform" in a certain way. It's loaded with resentment landmines left and right, as NOONE ever fulfills our expectations 100%. One failure builds on another, and tension builds quickly. That's why I'm tense in her presence. I'm also seeing that I made her my scapegoat so it'd be "her fault".
And I'm realizing I've held to this old way of relating to her. Even now, I'm expecting/hoping/wanting her to change to make me happier. That isn't going to happen. I'm changing, and I've not accepted that fully.
A question for me: what do I have to accept so I can be at peace with her, or even with anyone? I've hidden for years behind lies that I didn't need to change, and the FRM is allowing me to see this. Change is inevitable. It's also what life is all about. Am I ready for this change? (questions for myself)
It's 5 days from Thanksgiving, and I've purposely not hooked up with any family or friends yet to join them. One old MO of mine was using pity, and quite frankly, I do NOT want to use this.
The second motive is ignoring how I've related to people and mostly assuming they thought well of me. I "know" that's my biggest fear now, seeing it while writing.
The simple open door is with my sister. And I'm sick of putting on nice faces around overpowering, manipulative people, which is her norm. Her MO is "my shit stinks! Like it?" And anything truthful is fought against. Her family has learned to agree with her so they don't face her wrath. Quite egotistical.
Yet, I'm torn. I'm blaming, so I call bulls***. I know I put on masks instantly when around her, so I'm enabling her BS. I've seen it time and time again where her reaction to me being honest with her is her playing the angry victim to my truths. She insists on being boss in her home, which is not comfortable due to it demanding we all bow to her demand for control. BUT I think it's a setup. I'm sick of her egotistical ways, and simultaneously, I'm wondering how much I may be projecting my stuff onto her. I can live better by being honest with myself.
Something that pokes me is me seeing myself in her. I have done the exact same as her, meaning not taking responsibility for myself, and putting all my happiness in other's hands, meaning they were expected to "perform" in a certain way. It's loaded with resentment landmines left and right, as NOONE ever fulfills our expectations 100%. One failure builds on another, and tension builds quickly. That's why I'm tense in her presence. I'm also seeing that I made her my scapegoat so it'd be "her fault".
And I'm realizing I've held to this old way of relating to her. Even now, I'm expecting/hoping/wanting her to change to make me happier. That isn't going to happen. I'm changing, and I've not accepted that fully.
A question for me: what do I have to accept so I can be at peace with her, or even with anyone? I've hidden for years behind lies that I didn't need to change, and the FRM is allowing me to see this. Change is inevitable. It's also what life is all about. Am I ready for this change? (questions for myself)
I want to be FREE!
