Thanks guys. I began writing yesterday, but stopped. Though I was emotional, I didn't want to start the victim speak and thinking. I know where it goes and how I feel in it, so I stopped. I'm still feeling what came up yesterday though. But my sub rest period begins today.
My plans for working Saturday were changed by my supervisor last minute Friday night, so I stayed home all day listening to 6 loops of UMS. It was working on something deep, and I am extremely grateful of the big picture here, as I flew off the handle at my male miner.
He'd shared how he was considering handing over my mining funds instead of him holding onto the funds. I said ok, but it tripped something in my head, as I wondered if he'd been lying to me about a financial outcome--a big one which he'd given me. I took a shower, and during it, my inhibitions came down. I finished my shower, and the first thing I did was come and directly ask if he had lied to me. My anger was getting hotter, so I kept writing, kept striking at him with accusations stemming from old hurt being picked at all day by UMS.
Here's where something really good showed up. For the last few months, I've been sharing my experiences on LTU5 with him, and UMS this last month. I've shared how UMS has been hitting me on an emotional level, how it's gone straight to some deep roots of mine, and he even shared earlier this week about being in tears himself over family issues. I'd like to say others haven't opened up to me online before, but he is the first male to do so. Having worked with women traders and miners over time, a few have opened up to me about big emotional pains in their lives.
And his first response to me was along the lines of "I'm not sure what trauma you've had with people financially.......". This made me aware he knew something had been picked at by UMS. It was my turn to be quiet and listen. He didn't vent though. After an hour or so, I came back and explained what had happened. And I said 3 times it's not an excuse. My triggers were out, and I'd harmed him in the process. Both then and even now I'm wondering if he was used as a scapegoat. Was I angry at myself and throwing it at him? I'm not sure. But a sadness came up when considering that.
How angry and resentful have I been at myself for fearing and avoiding success? 'A bit. Quite a bit.
I've never owned that. I think I'm starting to. Which is pretty likely why I vomited at my miner. Which hurts.
A memory came up in those last sentences of me doing similarly with my daughter 2 years back when I visited her in Kentucky. I had so much anger and disgust for myself, and I blew up at her VERY unexpectedly, devastating her emotionally. I balled heavily afterwards, knowing I'd really fucked up then. I was scared of owning my shit, and I damaged someone else with it. I feared I'd killed our relationship. Though not as intense, that same feeling came up with my miner. Damn.
Like with my daughter for months, I was in "heal the relationship" mode. And what just came up was me needing to forgive myself now.
My plans for working Saturday were changed by my supervisor last minute Friday night, so I stayed home all day listening to 6 loops of UMS. It was working on something deep, and I am extremely grateful of the big picture here, as I flew off the handle at my male miner.
He'd shared how he was considering handing over my mining funds instead of him holding onto the funds. I said ok, but it tripped something in my head, as I wondered if he'd been lying to me about a financial outcome--a big one which he'd given me. I took a shower, and during it, my inhibitions came down. I finished my shower, and the first thing I did was come and directly ask if he had lied to me. My anger was getting hotter, so I kept writing, kept striking at him with accusations stemming from old hurt being picked at all day by UMS.
Here's where something really good showed up. For the last few months, I've been sharing my experiences on LTU5 with him, and UMS this last month. I've shared how UMS has been hitting me on an emotional level, how it's gone straight to some deep roots of mine, and he even shared earlier this week about being in tears himself over family issues. I'd like to say others haven't opened up to me online before, but he is the first male to do so. Having worked with women traders and miners over time, a few have opened up to me about big emotional pains in their lives.
And his first response to me was along the lines of "I'm not sure what trauma you've had with people financially.......". This made me aware he knew something had been picked at by UMS. It was my turn to be quiet and listen. He didn't vent though. After an hour or so, I came back and explained what had happened. And I said 3 times it's not an excuse. My triggers were out, and I'd harmed him in the process. Both then and even now I'm wondering if he was used as a scapegoat. Was I angry at myself and throwing it at him? I'm not sure. But a sadness came up when considering that.
How angry and resentful have I been at myself for fearing and avoiding success? 'A bit. Quite a bit.
I've never owned that. I think I'm starting to. Which is pretty likely why I vomited at my miner. Which hurts.
A memory came up in those last sentences of me doing similarly with my daughter 2 years back when I visited her in Kentucky. I had so much anger and disgust for myself, and I blew up at her VERY unexpectedly, devastating her emotionally. I balled heavily afterwards, knowing I'd really fucked up then. I was scared of owning my shit, and I damaged someone else with it. I feared I'd killed our relationship. Though not as intense, that same feeling came up with my miner. Damn.
Like with my daughter for months, I was in "heal the relationship" mode. And what just came up was me needing to forgive myself now.
I want to be FREE!
