Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[findingme]

Thanks Shannon. You're right.

[findingme]

I struggled accepting all kinds of feelings today, as my mom's funeral is tomorrow.  I felt uncomfortable in my own skin while playing the money game with my friends this afternoon.  Well, mostly since one is always holding up masks himself of how his life is.  Then, I submitted to staying with the other guy after our game, since he watches a lot of TV being retired, and I watched one episode of an old British comedy, which actually triggered me.  I wanted out of there, but was too uncomfortable to say something.  It touched a nerve.

The whole focus of the comedy was keeping a lie up.  It was frantic, lies were growing, and like (my family), the lies were kept up despite bad consequences for everybody.  Halfway through, I commented that this seriously sounded like my family.  While the tension grew in the show, it felt like listening to my oldest brother, who tells lies each time he speaks.  While driving home, I was tense thinking about seeing both brothers and my sister tomorrow--as the BS agreement in the family is "these lies keep our family together."  That's sad, yet true.  Thought I'd report this.

I did my loops this morning, but am doing 2 more presently.  I'm realizing how I've ostracized my family since these old family rules are in place.  My aunt even called me today.  Not knowing it was her, I let it go to voicemail.   I've not seen or heard from her in 20 years--and I'm realizing......that I'd ostracized her as well, only assuming she's playing the same emotional games.  This made me realize how messed up my family is, and how I'm a part of keeping this system in place.  I thought I can only tend my own emotional garden.

I must be still lying to myself.  I am.  I've got to be.  This has got to be why I'm STILL uncomfortable.  I'll share that I've really held back most of my emotions today, which is born from a fear......that I'll be unloved or abandoned if I show vulnerability around them.  I am unsure how I'll handle this, but the Disconnect From Negative Stress sub in LTU kicked in once this weekend for me already, so I know it'll be there if I need it.  Will see.

[Zane]

I pray that you find your peace.

[findingme]

Thank you Zane.  Little steps.

I just got off the phone with my sister regarding tomorrow.  I was purposely honest with her a few times, and I even admitted that the tension I feel around most of them is in ME.  I've not been mad or uncomfortable with them.  I've felt mad and uncomfortable with myself since I've rarely taken responsibility for myself.  I then looked outside of myself to find someone to blame.   Lying to myself (I've thought) worked, but I felt like shit after.  I could tell I made my sister uncomfortable, but I spoke up for me.  I was being honest.

Pointing blame is part of the victim triangle, and LTU has been removing it.   Shannon, thank you for this.

[Shannon]

You, sir, are the one choosing to use it and execute it. That thanks should go to you.

[findingme]

You, sir, are the one choosing to use it and execute it.  That thanks should go to you.

From what I wrote, you are correct.  I was afraid to say clearly thank you for making and sharing LTU with us.  Years ago I would have easily said to myself "anything I try for emotional freedom will leave me hopeless".  I felt that.  It's why I was on and off with 12 step groups, mostly off with therapy or counseling, and just bouncing around but disappointed with any real useful aids.  I'd gotten used to being disappointed.  

At this moment, I'm crying some.  Not because of my mom and that truth.  But since right now I'm facing forward, looking into freedom while at the same time my old fears are seeking to keep me in their tracks.  I'm sad since I'm actually moving forward, leaving something behind.  I've heard real change will cause some grief, as I have identified with old patterns heavily.  I'm not worried about it.  I'm going through it.  And an old fear even popped up this last 20 seconds screaming and crying "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!"  I think it's afraid of dying.  So I'm on/off with grieving this change.  

I just flashed back, looking for old norms.  I see them, but as I try to put myself in those old patterns, something in me silently and quickly steps forward and again stands there, firmly.  It doesn't allow retreat.  I remember doing this with E2 at times, but it was not as stubborn or powerful.  So I could easily retreat into some major old patterns if I persisted.  LTU is not so willing to allow this.  And that makes all the difference in the world.

So, thank you for producing LTU5.  The change is evident in me, and I'm grateful you took the time and effort to complete this.  It is making a difference inside me.

Thank you.

P.S.  I'm still learning how to accept compliments.  I'm asking myself now "why haven't I wanted to accept good things?"  More change to come.

[findingme]

This is my 2nd day break, and I'm doing one loop now. It's a needed reprieve. I've been having old fears whispering to me about women, money, how people viewed me... It's like I was looking for some familiar feeling to camp out in. A lot of it was old self pitying thinking, me looking for some old norm.

Something my mind threw at me today was that LTU was nothing more than a "feel good" drug. It sunk in for a few minutes since it was tagged heavily with fear. I'd been thinking of what LTU has been working on, my self esteem mostly. Considering my mind's accusation, I reflected on the recent emotional successes, and after the fear died, I realized.....LTU is warring some fears, and they're speaking up.

I have this sense that it's getting closer to another root. Just now, I thought "maybe being the victim isn't a desirable identity". I held to that for years.

And 15 minutes later (been thinking here), I saw some image when I was 10 or so. I felt powerless. And unsuccessful making my mom happy.

I'll sit on that. My sister's coming by to take me out to dinner for my birthday.

[DavisMind91]

This is my 2nd day break, and I'm doing one loop now.  It's a needed reprieve.  I've been having old fears whispering to me about women, money, how people viewed me...  It's like I was looking for some familiar feeling to camp out in.  A lot of it was old self pitying thinking, me looking for some old norm.  

Something my mind threw at me today was that LTU was nothing more than a "feel good" drug.  It sunk in for a few minutes since it was tagged heavily with fear. I'd been thinking of what LTU has been working on, my self esteem mostly.  Considering my mind's accusation, I reflected on the recent emotional successes, and after the fear died, I realized.....LTU is warring some fears, and they're speaking up.

I have this sense that it's getting closer to another root.  Just now, I thought "maybe being the victim isn't a desirable identity".  I held to that for years.  

And 15 minutes later (been thinking here), I saw some image when I was 10 or so.  I felt powerless.  And unsuccessful making my mom happy.

I'll sit on that.  My sister's coming by to take me out to dinner for my birthday.

Happy birthday. Don't worry about the fears, you clearly see they are fighting for their life so to speak. Keep going and they'll be gone soon enough. I've experienced some similar thoughts at times while running LTU.

[findingme]

Happy birthday. Don't worry about the fears, you clearly see they are fighting for their life so to speak. Keep going and they'll be gone soon enough. I've experienced some similar thoughts at times while running LTU.

Thanks DavisMind. This morning I'm thinking of me doing loops today, and I have no resistance. I know my "big problem/negative thinking" mentality is easily pushed aside when I restart loops, and it draws me in more.

I'll add that 20 minutes ago when I woke up, I felt an unusual, strong sadness, and......it felt like old stuff. Like I never let feelings out during that time period, around age 10.

I say "Bring it on!" I'm ready for this.

[findingme]

I've come here hundreds of times when I was afraid. I'd either spit up fears and feelings, or I'd write about things completely unrelated. I realized that this morning while showering, thinking of writing here. However, I'm a step ahead today, having had different desirable intentions this morning.

This morning I had a fear hit me, and I realized in times past that I'd stop right there. Done. My mind would swim around, and I'd find a quick distraction that would keep me from getting near another fear I felt powerless over. It bred insecurity deep, as I was dancing around in my head constantly...... just avoiding, avoiding......and more avoiding.

I had that fear this morning, it scared me, but I also felt desire to NOT run. And I began crying, for only seconds. It's linked to something bigger. Last night, I began my loops around 4PM, having chose to stay home and listen vs. doing a bunch of non-essential busywork (on a Friday night). I got in bed early too; I'm not sure why. But when I got in bed (my normal hideout) I began crying, just like this morning. It lasted a little longer than this morning. It's like I was admitting to myself I was scared. And accepting it.

Then, maybe 2 hours later (didn't sleep until 9), I had this distinct feeling in my gut. It's like I felt my gut just slightly twisting and fighting while I listened to ultrasonic. I've never had this, but it said something is moving and being challenged in me. Thought I should just share it.

I'm listening to a single loop on my phone now. These fears appear powerful, but I'm not owned by them.

LTU seems to be an emotional slow cooker. Doesn't burn me, doesn't demand constant attention.... no, it just challenges my norms. And like my own crock pot, I've never had a bad meal. And considering I live alone, I'll have 7-10 meals, lasting many weeks. I'll do daily loops though. It works for me

[findingme]

A key thing I'm wrestling with now is an abandonment wound from early childhood. I'd not had images in my mind until I just began writing, but it came up this past weekend while I was alone, and it came between my bitcoin miner and I for a few days. I asked for help with something 2 days ago, and her remark hit that spot. I didn't respond immediately. A day later I replied saying her comment was cold, and I had this picture in my head she was blowing me off, basically abandoning me to figure it out myself. I learned today she didn't mean that at all. I quickly admitted I was being sensitive, it took the blame off her, and we've been peacefully working on some things today.

I'll admit I've gone through every kind of distraction or diversion to keep myself from facing this, even stopping LTU. I'm running LTU now on hybrid.

I'm using LTU to heal. I just never thought I'd heal this wound. Like I've camped around this old wound my entire life, calling it "normal" and "the way I am". I've adjusted my whole reality to it.

Fuck it. I'm trying to imagine tomorrow (to prep my mind to survive how I'm feeling "now"), and that's too much BS.

One thing I'm hoping ....... is that I'll learn to trust others again. In 2 separate conversations today, I cut the talk short without a real reason. I was afraid. LTU gives me a real push to mend and nurture my relationships, and that's a strong pull to use it. I'm back on it.

[findingme]

Today, unexpectedly, Ultimate Detox (in LTU5) showed up.

I was driving in a work truck with a coworker at the end of our day. We were talking, he asked if I was alone here, and I mentioned my brothers. He said I probably don't see them too much, and I remarked that the one in Miami I purposely don't contact since he's survives by lying to anybody and everybody, and he is stressful for me to be around. I'd not done any introspection yet. But I admitted his lying makes me mad now, and as I talked I realized that old anger (or disgust) with lying. And I opened up, right on the spot. I shared I used to lie just like he did, first to me, then to everyone else. I spoke this: "if I believe this, so will you". I kept sharing, though I've rarely spoken to him otherwise.

I did share that I usually don't open up like this. I said I felt it, said "fuck it", and spilled it.

Lately, I've sensed those "looking good" lies in my journal posts here, and I felt pained to keep them, but unwilling to tell myself the truth. I've known there was a problem but I (had) been comfortably in denial.

It's uncomfortable, but it felt that way doing UD solo. I'm also feeling some heavy grief in my lower chest, just like UD solo. I'm mostly trying to hold back emotions again.

All in all, I'm losing the battle to keep my lies up. I feel I have more responsibility this time. And there's a gratefulness with this sadness since it means relief for me.

Edit: I admitted to my coworker I hid behind my brothers, and that's what helped me live in fantasy land. I'd always let them lead, and I stayed immature. I see in my mind me doing that with some I work with. And I'm looking back in my childhood, wondering what I was thinking.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Today, unexpectedly, Ultimate Detox (in LTU5) showed up.  

I was driving in a work truck with a coworker at the end of our day.  We were talking, he asked if I was alone here, and I mentioned my brothers.  He said I probably don't see them too much, and I remarked that the one in Miami I purposely don't contact since he's survives by lying to anybody and everybody, and he is stressful for me to be around.  I'd not done any introspection yet.  But I admitted his lying makes me mad now, and as I talked I realized that old anger (or disgust) with lying.  And I opened up, right on the spot.  I shared I used to lie just like he did, first to me, then to everyone else.  I spoke this: "if I believe this, so will you".  I kept sharing, though I've rarely spoken to him otherwise.  

I did share that I usually don't open up like this.  I said I felt it, said "***** it", and spilled it.  

Lately, I've sensed those "looking good" lies in my journal posts here, and I felt pained to keep them, but unwilling to tell myself the truth.  I've known there was a problem but I (had) been comfortably in denial.  

It's uncomfortable, but it felt that way doing UD solo.  I'm also feeling some heavy grief in my lower chest, just like UD solo.  I'm mostly trying to hold back emotions again.  

All in all, I'm losing the battle to keep my lies up.  I feel I have more responsibility this time.  And there's a gratefulness with this sadness since it means relief for me.

Edit: I admitted to my coworker I hid behind my brothers, and that's what helped me live in fantasy land.  I'd always let them lead, and I stayed immature.  I see in my mind me doing that with some I work with.  And I'm looking back in my childhood, wondering what I was thinking.

Cool, it looks like LTU5 is really helping you grow man! That's awesome! Keep up the good work!

[findingme]

Changes, changes, changes.

I am realizing I bluff myself so often when I begin writing here because I'm facing an old brotherly fear. The root is abandonment. I try to shine up my message so often since I've feared that greatly.

I even came here today, started writing, and began remembering the 8th grade. I was standing outside the school, waiting for it to open, but I was in horrible emotional pain since my brother had left me. He'd rejected me, blowing me off for "cool" friends who made him feel more manly. And he was the only one I depended on. So I stood alone on the wall, avoiding any interaction or eye contact.

Facing fears are on my mind here.

I'm thinking about Zane and his long-term use of USLM3. Previously, I had not given it much thought. But a woman I traded with in the past began IML subs since she saw their effects on me. She too has been on USLM3 close to when it was released. She's been saving to pick up LTU5, and I thought she was going to purchase it this week. I asked her if she had, and she replied that she was going to finish the one she's on. I asked if she was still doing USLM3, and she said yes. She said it's been very good to her.

This has been on my mind. Fear is what has had me jumping around sub-wise. Thinking a "new" sub will solve my life problems or me jumping on the latest bandwagon will fill some love and acceptance needs. The change is me has been subtle, but my thinking of complete dependence of others for love is waning.

I originally thought/imagined/fantasized LTU would have me in some emotional fantasy land. Yep. Anything to not face my major fears. However, it's been gentle, looking big picture. I ran loops last night, I went to bed early, and I'm realizing this morning that fear IS being worked on.

I'm considering doing LTU long term. This is why I came, to actually "grow up". This is all emotional to me.