Thank you Zane. It means a lot to me. I read this midday on my phone.
I'm gonna run LTU 5 loops daily, as last week adding a single loop while at work wore on me, making me uncomfortable. I'm not sure why, but even Mat422's felt overloaded on 6 loops. Five loops is good for me, for now.
I'll take it easy. I had a full day today, with something big coming up this last 30 minutes.
But first, a prelude.
I watched a movie around 3 weeks ago about a small town guy who made it big in country music, and the story began in a church building. The bride was excited, it was their wedding day, and for some unknown reason, this guy, the country singer, skipped out on his wedding. The woman went on with her life, raising a child which they'd unknowingly consumated earlier.
I'll skip through the storyline. Later on, this guy finally returned home since a high school friend died, and during this time he found out about his daughter. In one scene, his daughter began choking while eating. The guy froze. Just froze. Couldn't help his daughter. His daughter's uncle intervened, rescuing the child, and shaming the guy. (He had resentments since he'd helped his sis when she'd been deserted.)
The truth surfaces finally near the end of the story. When this man was a 7 or 8 year old boy, his mom had cancer, and he watched her decay quickly. When she died, he felt completely responsible for it happening. He'd loved her so much, and it hurt him deeply when she passed. He said he'd never love someone like that again, which is why he froze when his daughter choked, and why he couldn't show up for his own wedding. He didn't want to lose someone he loved again.
Here's where it hit me today.
I live less then a 1/4 mile from me and my ex-wife's old house. Just down the street from that house lives a 94 year old woman. I'd gotten close to her and her husband while I lived there, and even up to 2 years back I was in regular touch with her. And twice........ I've just stopped all contact. No calls, no visits, nothing at all.
Today, once I'd got home, I got a local call, but I ignored it not knowing the number. For some reason, I listened to the voicemail, and it was this 94 year old woman. She asked me to call her, as she had some good news. I listened, and attempted to steel myself and dismiss it. But LTU has been instilling a responsibility mindset, so after I showered, I called her. I was nervous, and I'll see her tomorrow. She's moving into an assisted living community, and wishes to give me some of her husband's old winter clothes. He passed soon after I'd let them go the first time, 2 years back.
While showering, some things came to mind, making sense to me. I abandoned this woman like the guy abandoned his wedding because I felt like I failed my mom. I always expected something bad when with her, as I thought she wouldn't love the me who failed. Me vacating was me trying to run from this possibility.
It's also why my ambition has been clipped. I'm approaching year 2 at my present job, having worked 3 years as a temp worker already. I've declined promotion possibilities, and it's been on my mind. "If I don't achieve anything, noone gets hurt".
It's why I won't even date anyone. "Helllllll no!" I've feared the rejection when they finally know the person I see in my mind. I've greatly feared that. Being alone has been lonely, but safe.
So that's what clicked. I wish I could say it's better now. But just like last week, along with the reality is a gratefulness.
This explains why my life's been on hold for so long.
I'm gonna run LTU 5 loops daily, as last week adding a single loop while at work wore on me, making me uncomfortable. I'm not sure why, but even Mat422's felt overloaded on 6 loops. Five loops is good for me, for now.
I'll take it easy. I had a full day today, with something big coming up this last 30 minutes.
But first, a prelude.
I watched a movie around 3 weeks ago about a small town guy who made it big in country music, and the story began in a church building. The bride was excited, it was their wedding day, and for some unknown reason, this guy, the country singer, skipped out on his wedding. The woman went on with her life, raising a child which they'd unknowingly consumated earlier.
I'll skip through the storyline. Later on, this guy finally returned home since a high school friend died, and during this time he found out about his daughter. In one scene, his daughter began choking while eating. The guy froze. Just froze. Couldn't help his daughter. His daughter's uncle intervened, rescuing the child, and shaming the guy. (He had resentments since he'd helped his sis when she'd been deserted.)
The truth surfaces finally near the end of the story. When this man was a 7 or 8 year old boy, his mom had cancer, and he watched her decay quickly. When she died, he felt completely responsible for it happening. He'd loved her so much, and it hurt him deeply when she passed. He said he'd never love someone like that again, which is why he froze when his daughter choked, and why he couldn't show up for his own wedding. He didn't want to lose someone he loved again.
Here's where it hit me today.
I live less then a 1/4 mile from me and my ex-wife's old house. Just down the street from that house lives a 94 year old woman. I'd gotten close to her and her husband while I lived there, and even up to 2 years back I was in regular touch with her. And twice........ I've just stopped all contact. No calls, no visits, nothing at all.
Today, once I'd got home, I got a local call, but I ignored it not knowing the number. For some reason, I listened to the voicemail, and it was this 94 year old woman. She asked me to call her, as she had some good news. I listened, and attempted to steel myself and dismiss it. But LTU has been instilling a responsibility mindset, so after I showered, I called her. I was nervous, and I'll see her tomorrow. She's moving into an assisted living community, and wishes to give me some of her husband's old winter clothes. He passed soon after I'd let them go the first time, 2 years back.
While showering, some things came to mind, making sense to me. I abandoned this woman like the guy abandoned his wedding because I felt like I failed my mom. I always expected something bad when with her, as I thought she wouldn't love the me who failed. Me vacating was me trying to run from this possibility.
It's also why my ambition has been clipped. I'm approaching year 2 at my present job, having worked 3 years as a temp worker already. I've declined promotion possibilities, and it's been on my mind. "If I don't achieve anything, noone gets hurt".
It's why I won't even date anyone. "Helllllll no!" I've feared the rejection when they finally know the person I see in my mind. I've greatly feared that. Being alone has been lonely, but safe.
So that's what clicked. I wish I could say it's better now. But just like last week, along with the reality is a gratefulness.
This explains why my life's been on hold for so long.
I want to be FREE!
