Today, unexpectedly, Ultimate Detox (in LTU5) showed up.
I was driving in a work truck with a coworker at the end of our day. We were talking, he asked if I was alone here, and I mentioned my brothers. He said I probably don't see them too much, and I remarked that the one in Miami I purposely don't contact since he's survives by lying to anybody and everybody, and he is stressful for me to be around. I'd not done any introspection yet. But I admitted his lying makes me mad now, and as I talked I realized that old anger (or disgust) with lying. And I opened up, right on the spot. I shared I used to lie just like he did, first to me, then to everyone else. I spoke this: "if I believe this, so will you". I kept sharing, though I've rarely spoken to him otherwise.
I did share that I usually don't open up like this. I said I felt it, said "fuck it", and spilled it.
Lately, I've sensed those "looking good" lies in my journal posts here, and I felt pained to keep them, but unwilling to tell myself the truth. I've known there was a problem but I (had) been comfortably in denial.
It's uncomfortable, but it felt that way doing UD solo. I'm also feeling some heavy grief in my lower chest, just like UD solo. I'm mostly trying to hold back emotions again.
All in all, I'm losing the battle to keep my lies up. I feel I have more responsibility this time. And there's a gratefulness with this sadness since it means relief for me.
Edit: I admitted to my coworker I hid behind my brothers, and that's what helped me live in fantasy land. I'd always let them lead, and I stayed immature. I see in my mind me doing that with some I work with. And I'm looking back in my childhood, wondering what I was thinking.
I was driving in a work truck with a coworker at the end of our day. We were talking, he asked if I was alone here, and I mentioned my brothers. He said I probably don't see them too much, and I remarked that the one in Miami I purposely don't contact since he's survives by lying to anybody and everybody, and he is stressful for me to be around. I'd not done any introspection yet. But I admitted his lying makes me mad now, and as I talked I realized that old anger (or disgust) with lying. And I opened up, right on the spot. I shared I used to lie just like he did, first to me, then to everyone else. I spoke this: "if I believe this, so will you". I kept sharing, though I've rarely spoken to him otherwise.
I did share that I usually don't open up like this. I said I felt it, said "fuck it", and spilled it.
Lately, I've sensed those "looking good" lies in my journal posts here, and I felt pained to keep them, but unwilling to tell myself the truth. I've known there was a problem but I (had) been comfortably in denial.
It's uncomfortable, but it felt that way doing UD solo. I'm also feeling some heavy grief in my lower chest, just like UD solo. I'm mostly trying to hold back emotions again.
All in all, I'm losing the battle to keep my lies up. I feel I have more responsibility this time. And there's a gratefulness with this sadness since it means relief for me.
Edit: I admitted to my coworker I hid behind my brothers, and that's what helped me live in fantasy land. I'd always let them lead, and I stayed immature. I see in my mind me doing that with some I work with. And I'm looking back in my childhood, wondering what I was thinking.
I want to be FREE!
