I've not been writing these last few days, and I realized why this morning. The short answer is fear.
I'm feeling a lot of fear being honest, for I keep trying to do what I've always done: be successful in one area, and try to keep that image in place so you'll only see successful me. Me trying to do this has been damaging my confidence, and 2ce in the last 2 weeks I added ASC to my loops of LTU. And both times, I've changed it back to LTU loops alone. The first time some uneasiness came up, knowing I'd be sabotaging LTU. But last night I simply chose to remove ASC and add 2 more loops of LTU. I'd been reading JakeKennedy's LTU thread, he'd been listening to his gut instincts, admitting adding loops to blow through resistance. So I tried that last night. I'm writing now, so something may have weakened.
Me lying to myself has resurfaced. It's been my most used survival tool, and as fate allowed, I wasn't needed at work this morning. That mad rush of working at work and working for people's acceptance distracts me from this pain inside, the old childish survival norms. My faulty logic has always been "if I'm successful in this area, I can feel good about myself, and the old lying won't be needed". Wrong. It keeps looking for its place. I've been adamant in being successful at work........and the motivation comes from fear. Damn..... I just realized that. Even investing is motivated by frantically trying to hide "the real me". The results aren't bad, but the motivation isn't one I feel comfortable in.
This is what's really been on my mind lately.
While and just before writing that last sentence, my fear was looking for a lie to cover it. Victim thinking ("feel sorry for me") popped up. It's still around, but I recognized it and didn't turn the reigns over to it. Thank God for OTVM!
---- I'm wondering what goal I could focus on with USLM. A real goal to me is an emotional goal, feeling my feelings, both sadness and joy, but letting them come and go. My old thinking is scared of this, yet that's exactly why I began LTU. To clarify: success to me always looked like "have a success and hang on to that good feeling. Live in that feeling as long as possible, recreating it when able". But that hasn't worked. I'm thinking of Zane seeking to accept the flow of life now, his recent posting.
I'm feeling a lot of fear being honest, for I keep trying to do what I've always done: be successful in one area, and try to keep that image in place so you'll only see successful me. Me trying to do this has been damaging my confidence, and 2ce in the last 2 weeks I added ASC to my loops of LTU. And both times, I've changed it back to LTU loops alone. The first time some uneasiness came up, knowing I'd be sabotaging LTU. But last night I simply chose to remove ASC and add 2 more loops of LTU. I'd been reading JakeKennedy's LTU thread, he'd been listening to his gut instincts, admitting adding loops to blow through resistance. So I tried that last night. I'm writing now, so something may have weakened.
Me lying to myself has resurfaced. It's been my most used survival tool, and as fate allowed, I wasn't needed at work this morning. That mad rush of working at work and working for people's acceptance distracts me from this pain inside, the old childish survival norms. My faulty logic has always been "if I'm successful in this area, I can feel good about myself, and the old lying won't be needed". Wrong. It keeps looking for its place. I've been adamant in being successful at work........and the motivation comes from fear. Damn..... I just realized that. Even investing is motivated by frantically trying to hide "the real me". The results aren't bad, but the motivation isn't one I feel comfortable in.
This is what's really been on my mind lately.
While and just before writing that last sentence, my fear was looking for a lie to cover it. Victim thinking ("feel sorry for me") popped up. It's still around, but I recognized it and didn't turn the reigns over to it. Thank God for OTVM!---- I'm wondering what goal I could focus on with USLM. A real goal to me is an emotional goal, feeling my feelings, both sadness and joy, but letting them come and go. My old thinking is scared of this, yet that's exactly why I began LTU. To clarify: success to me always looked like "have a success and hang on to that good feeling. Live in that feeling as long as possible, recreating it when able". But that hasn't worked. I'm thinking of Zane seeking to accept the flow of life now, his recent posting.
I want to be FREE!
