Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm facing a good change in my perception.  Listening to loops presently.  

I feel I'm between the new and the old right now.  Part of me has hung tightly onto my old perceptions of myself, knowing results and mostly, feeling and predicting a loss of hope regularly.  This part of me, even while putting me down regularly, is actually weakening under LTU's progressiveness.  

The old was always tied to the new, so hope has constantly been.......not so attractive.  Like a little antagonist bully has constantly been fighting growth and change.

Today I kept thinking of possible solutions and plans for my money when I receive it.  I thought of taxes, googled to check my facts on them, and I easily slid into old memories of things I'd done my last year of college.  I really enjoyed looking deeper for answers, and 75% of my time in my senior year was researching stuff I'd been digging into personally, and I loved it.  Libraries became my tool room, my candy store, or whatever your favorite place is.  I was being responsible enough for senior studies, as I'd learned those rules years before.  My personal studies were all in nutritional and alternative medicines, and I looked into master's programs.  I stopped since.....the hope I enjoyed doing this was not expected to remain when I came home....and I understood then that I had to come home to "save mom".  BINGO.  This same belief has been holding me back all this time.  It's the belief that if you enjoy something, you must give it ALL away; enjoying it is not allowed.  It begs the question "why would I look for things I enjoy if I am not really allowed to enjoy them?"  From an emotional level, this is why I've not spent my life exploring things, ideas, places, and people.  At least this last 15 years in my life so far.

But I touched back on that today.  I thought of Darwin and his desire to go back onto MLS, for today this made sense to me.  I LOVE finding helpful answers, things not easily seen in research.  A roommate in college had some nickname for all these little "irrelevant" connections, as he'd had a friend who did similarly.  I found connections every single day, and it was so fulfilling.  

I looked up from my chair I'm on, and saw my bookcase.  4 or 5 shelves of niche specific health books I've owned for 10-20 years, and in the last 15 or so, I've not opened them.  

I'm not going to do anything now but let this seep in me.  I really, really miss this mental exploring.  I've shared the problem.  My task, or my solution presently, is to allow this thinking back in, allow myself to enjoy it, and simultaneously live in the now.  For I can only change my now, not my past.

Did this researching ever help anyone?  YES.  My wife-to-be had a condition called pseudo-tumor cerebri (translated "the brain thinks it has a tumor"), where the brain holds extra fluids, and the result was her body thought it was dying.  The result was she gained and kept extra weight easily.  She was scared she'd never be able to give birth to a healthy child since the diuretics prescribed were dangerous to fetus'.  She didn't want to give birth to a child with birth defects from the medicines.

I began researching, and I knew glaucoma was possibly connected, as the eyes similarly do not excrete extra fluids, slowly blinding sufferers.  I dug into old medical studies, and in a small Asian study found that high doses of vitamin C passed through the blood brain barrier, allowing the extra fluids to drain.  It was a single report among thousands.  But glaucoma sufferers had found relief.  So we agreed to try it.

My fiance began taking large doses of powdered vitamin c, and it WORKED!  Her condition even receded in time.  She still keeps vitamin c on hand, but her condition just stopped after almost a year's use.  The medical options at that time were stints in the skull, and a lifetime of uncomfortable and dangerous medications.  Vitamin C is much, much safer and easier.  And my healthy daughter is 14 now  She was a 10-pounder at birth!

I'm glad you're peeling back these layers and healing them Findingme. And I'm happy for your wife and daughter.