Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[findingme]

Success in life comes to those who feel whatever fears and do it anyway.

My mom's in the hospital again. My brother has been tending to her alone, regularly, and I found out only since my 2nd brother texted me last night. I hadn't known the first time either, and I'm open to seeing my part (aka uninvolvement) as to why she or he didn't contact me.

Got a text from my sister midday asking for me to call. I thought she'd maybe be calm. No. Not calm. In full-blown controlling mode, not dialoguing, just controlling. I sat and listened to her for 20 minutes regarding us taking care of our mom, but I don't like being pushed around by anyone. She spoke to me like my brother did weeks back.

I know she's scared. She lost her own daughter to suicide last November, she's still healing from that loss, and I feel this is her main motivation for attempting to commandeer this whole scenario.

I didn't feel right about her, but something else is working in me. It has all day.

I myself felt vulnerable most of today, and I worked with 2 new guys. The short version is I wanted some more control of the situation to appease my imagined fears (mostly from just in me, though I'd rationalized it was fears of my lead boss). So, I was a perfectionistic a**hole to these guys.
I reached out to my department supervisor, the same who'd corrected me with another worker months back, and he dropped by. I gave my story, and at the end I owned it: "I was just being too sensitive with them".

A sort of miracle happened. My supervisor went and talked with them.
These guys returned to my work area (after going elsewhere after lunch), and I didn't give eye contact, not knowing what to expect. They were talking about it at normal volume, and they were laughing. How I'd handled them was overkill IMO, but they thought it funny. I listened, being open to hearing correction if needed. This never came up. One guy came over and actually wondered what my expectations were--and I realize now I'd had my kid goggles on, seeing him as some rule-breaking bully before. No such man stood in front of me. I had actually created this "problem" from an old image in my head. The tension just went away.

So, reflecting on my sister, I did the same today. I felt hurt, scared I'd be hurt more, so I "punished" the wrongdoers which were threats to my emotions. And I made no sense if anyone was watching. I was all emotion; fear, sadness, and old pain.

Maybe......my sister's in those same shoes presently. I can relax on her. She's scared.

Gonna go visit my Mom tonight.