04-26-2019, 05:47 PM
Three things to share.
First, I started LTU up with only one day of break. No planning more than five minutes of thought. But old self-hate messages have been creeping up steadily trying to keep their place in my life. No way. I ran loops tonight.
Secondly, I'd dropped in bed early to listen to loops. I remember tears creeping up one time, and this has happened when I'd periodically put on OGSF 5G in times past when locked up in fear. Like my fears were being crumbled, and tears were a release. I've had this strong feeling that I am the next target to forgive. Seriously, I've been facing some real ass-kicking, and I'm both the giver and the receiver. This game, if not ended, could harm me more, and I'm not ok with this. This is growing in me. And tonight I'm getting a strong pull to forgive myself.
And lastly, my mom went into the hospital these last two days, as she was having trouble breathing. She's had pneumonia. She's home now; my brother had been caring for her.
She asked if I could come over tomorrow and stay til noon on Sunday. I said yes. Why? Since I really don't feel afraid. Kind of like when my brother was attacking me verbally. My reason for going is I'm curious. Curious to know how i'll react or be unaffected, and stuff like that. She'll be the same, but how have I changed? This is why I'm on LTU, to heal myself.
An add-on about my mom: I've been seeing her in my mind, and I'm becoming so aware that she puts on masks frequently. From smiling to angry looks in seconds; masks don't work so well now. But it's a stress buster knowing I didn't start wearing masks all on my own. Me blaming is an old distraction too. I will change me. I'll report when I come home Sunday.
First, I started LTU up with only one day of break. No planning more than five minutes of thought. But old self-hate messages have been creeping up steadily trying to keep their place in my life. No way. I ran loops tonight.
Secondly, I'd dropped in bed early to listen to loops. I remember tears creeping up one time, and this has happened when I'd periodically put on OGSF 5G in times past when locked up in fear. Like my fears were being crumbled, and tears were a release. I've had this strong feeling that I am the next target to forgive. Seriously, I've been facing some real ass-kicking, and I'm both the giver and the receiver. This game, if not ended, could harm me more, and I'm not ok with this. This is growing in me. And tonight I'm getting a strong pull to forgive myself.
And lastly, my mom went into the hospital these last two days, as she was having trouble breathing. She's had pneumonia. She's home now; my brother had been caring for her.
She asked if I could come over tomorrow and stay til noon on Sunday. I said yes. Why? Since I really don't feel afraid. Kind of like when my brother was attacking me verbally. My reason for going is I'm curious. Curious to know how i'll react or be unaffected, and stuff like that. She'll be the same, but how have I changed? This is why I'm on LTU, to heal myself.
An add-on about my mom: I've been seeing her in my mind, and I'm becoming so aware that she puts on masks frequently. From smiling to angry looks in seconds; masks don't work so well now. But it's a stress buster knowing I didn't start wearing masks all on my own. Me blaming is an old distraction too. I will change me. I'll report when I come home Sunday.
I want to be FREE!
