04-24-2019, 02:31 PM
Easy day. But major revelations while coming home, knowing I could drop my mask. Damn, those things piss me off. I'm scared, sad, and angry at this right now.
I don't feel proud at all coming here just to validate myself. I come with expectations and hopes of this every day ("am I good enough now? Will you love me now?").
I'm still hiding behind a mask. I put up these feelers for what people like, and like a kid, I act according to what attention I receive. I do that here, at work, and any place where I might get some attention.
Why? .................
Attention was equal to love while growing up. Attention just wasn't available in my house from my mom. So I've felt empty and knew I could perform to get some attention. But fear of rejection created a wall separating the true me from the me you knew.
I'm tired of performing! Fricken clueless as to who I am since my workplace requires performance, which is where I get some. Just a game. Just a game.
Mad at myself for not having answers too.
I don't feel proud at all coming here just to validate myself. I come with expectations and hopes of this every day ("am I good enough now? Will you love me now?").
I'm still hiding behind a mask. I put up these feelers for what people like, and like a kid, I act according to what attention I receive. I do that here, at work, and any place where I might get some attention.
Why? .................
Attention was equal to love while growing up. Attention just wasn't available in my house from my mom. So I've felt empty and knew I could perform to get some attention. But fear of rejection created a wall separating the true me from the me you knew.
I'm tired of performing! Fricken clueless as to who I am since my workplace requires performance, which is where I get some. Just a game. Just a game.
Mad at myself for not having answers too.
I want to be FREE!
