04-17-2019, 12:52 PM
I've had 3 awarenesses today, all stemming from LTU.
First, I noticed my driving was different this morning. I'm not as hesitant to move, and I even noticed it driving home from work. I've had some fear for years, always some rationalized fear of using too much gas, wearing the tires out quicker, anything. This morning I didn't punch the gas. I just wasn't afraid to move, at all.
The next one is huge for me. I mentioned it recently, but it was being worked on today. I was still processing something unknown from LTU this morning, and I felt this fear rise up. I was thinking about good moves coming my way, I thought out my choices I have.....and somehow it just clicked. Fear of failure has steered and guided every single decision I've made in life, and it is still steering me. I realized clearly why I am where I am in life, and it all goes back to a fear of failing. I am seeing in my mind why I do or don't do so many things. I'll expound on this in future writings, for it's painful. No good relationships, no setting of (honest) goals....and that's where I am. It's not comfortable.
And lastly, when I started writing, I felt scared of saying something dumb and being rejected, so I began putting on the "looking good" mask. It's an old trauma I've had surface since using LTU, which came from my relationship with my brother. Like I had to put up walls around my heart so I could write. Just thought I'd mention that in case this changes in the future. That's where I'm at.
I'm also (surprisingly) not overwhelmed. I'm a little sad, but not overwhelmed.
First, I noticed my driving was different this morning. I'm not as hesitant to move, and I even noticed it driving home from work. I've had some fear for years, always some rationalized fear of using too much gas, wearing the tires out quicker, anything. This morning I didn't punch the gas. I just wasn't afraid to move, at all.
The next one is huge for me. I mentioned it recently, but it was being worked on today. I was still processing something unknown from LTU this morning, and I felt this fear rise up. I was thinking about good moves coming my way, I thought out my choices I have.....and somehow it just clicked. Fear of failure has steered and guided every single decision I've made in life, and it is still steering me. I realized clearly why I am where I am in life, and it all goes back to a fear of failing. I am seeing in my mind why I do or don't do so many things. I'll expound on this in future writings, for it's painful. No good relationships, no setting of (honest) goals....and that's where I am. It's not comfortable.
And lastly, when I started writing, I felt scared of saying something dumb and being rejected, so I began putting on the "looking good" mask. It's an old trauma I've had surface since using LTU, which came from my relationship with my brother. Like I had to put up walls around my heart so I could write. Just thought I'd mention that in case this changes in the future. That's where I'm at.
I'm also (surprisingly) not overwhelmed. I'm a little sad, but not overwhelmed.
I want to be FREE!
