A mix of recent events plus LTU have me in a different spot today. I'm feeling some regret.
First, I was quite busy in a couple of threads here yesterday, as both had similar backgrounds to my own, and I had some compassion for them. What happened in me is I began taking too much responsibility in my head, like I was in some way responsible for what had transpired in their lives. It was even drifting to a parental role I've used with my own daughter. With my daughter, it became a need for control, but mostly to keep from feeling like a failure. The feeling and awareness I've had today is I felt insistent of MY wants with the 2 members here. I thought the same with my daughter, and I caused her some pain which I've slowly learned of these last 5 years. The feeling which stuck with me was I'd failed. I'd hurt her, and I was scared to contact her a lot since......I didn't know how to really love her in actions. I still avoid saying hi regularly......yes.....due to this feeling of failure.
I realize now I was trying to be lovable to her, and then these guys. I was (am?) a mix of fear and pain, trying to give. (Just felt guilt and sadness---I've tried to have others love me. I realized I am ignoring myself. How can i actually love......ME??)
Then, today at work I had a part needing repair, and it's not critical at all. I knew the replacement part had shown up in our shop last week, but I'd not spoken to the head mechanic about it. I tried to speak to him 4 different times before lunch, but he was occupied all day. I caught him right as he was packing up his stuff at the end of the day. I began saying it wasn't critical, and I then made my request known. Grumpy and exhausted, he said he'd been trying to fix it since last Thursday, but hasn't had time due to work orders. Frustrated, he asked why I was asking him, and I told him I thought I was supposed to talk with him about it. I was wrong. This had been on his mind, and I've carried some regret for asking. Again, I felt responsible for his feelings. He communicated his workload is heavy, and only him and another mechanic do any of the work, which is true.
So, the feeling of failure and regret is in my mind presently. Most days I try to gloss over it, but for some reason it's on my mind today. I'll keep paying attention to my thoughts, for I'm thinking....... I can make some choices tonight...and in the future.
But this pain......is from my past. Something has been dug up. ............
(Heavy tears came when I read that last sentence)
First, I was quite busy in a couple of threads here yesterday, as both had similar backgrounds to my own, and I had some compassion for them. What happened in me is I began taking too much responsibility in my head, like I was in some way responsible for what had transpired in their lives. It was even drifting to a parental role I've used with my own daughter. With my daughter, it became a need for control, but mostly to keep from feeling like a failure. The feeling and awareness I've had today is I felt insistent of MY wants with the 2 members here. I thought the same with my daughter, and I caused her some pain which I've slowly learned of these last 5 years. The feeling which stuck with me was I'd failed. I'd hurt her, and I was scared to contact her a lot since......I didn't know how to really love her in actions. I still avoid saying hi regularly......yes.....due to this feeling of failure.
I realize now I was trying to be lovable to her, and then these guys. I was (am?) a mix of fear and pain, trying to give. (Just felt guilt and sadness---I've tried to have others love me. I realized I am ignoring myself. How can i actually love......ME??)
Then, today at work I had a part needing repair, and it's not critical at all. I knew the replacement part had shown up in our shop last week, but I'd not spoken to the head mechanic about it. I tried to speak to him 4 different times before lunch, but he was occupied all day. I caught him right as he was packing up his stuff at the end of the day. I began saying it wasn't critical, and I then made my request known. Grumpy and exhausted, he said he'd been trying to fix it since last Thursday, but hasn't had time due to work orders. Frustrated, he asked why I was asking him, and I told him I thought I was supposed to talk with him about it. I was wrong. This had been on his mind, and I've carried some regret for asking. Again, I felt responsible for his feelings. He communicated his workload is heavy, and only him and another mechanic do any of the work, which is true.
So, the feeling of failure and regret is in my mind presently. Most days I try to gloss over it, but for some reason it's on my mind today. I'll keep paying attention to my thoughts, for I'm thinking....... I can make some choices tonight...and in the future.
But this pain......is from my past. Something has been dug up. ............
(Heavy tears came when I read that last sentence)
I want to be FREE!
