Something I've been both afraid and ashamed to admit is causing problems.
I've been afraid going forward, for LTU is allowing and encouraging major changes. On almost a daily basis, I've come home and had coffee right before starting loops. Self sabotage, almost daily. In fact, yesterday morning, while getting ready for work, I vocalized "my goal today is to love myself". I need that, plus I'd been discounting USLM4 in LTU, so I tried this. I may begin writing this down. A fear of change (emotional movement) has been attempting an emotional lockdown. I'd been focused on everyone else, avoiding myself, and a pain has stayed and increased. And minutes ago when imagining writing here, my mind came up with 2 quick ways to avoid being honest.
Most changes in me revolve around memories of my brother. The fear is that (in my mind) I won't NEED him. I did when I was younger; this was how we survived emotionally. It's creating discomfort at times in me at work, for how I relate is changing, working with all guys. Also, fears hide fear and pain from messages from my mom. I've felt more attractive around women, whether I know them or not, and my mind has thought of old messages, discouraging me. But feeling genuinely attractive is new to me.
This is UD working, for sitting here......... I'm afraid to grieve those losses. If I could ever trace any root of pain in my life, it leads to a great fear of feeling it all again. The fear says I'll stay in pain. That I'll be stuck there.
I don't want to be stuck in pain. I don't! (Tears came up just now, a release)
I needed to admit this. I want to love myself again. I haven't been. I even put on an additional loop while writing here. Self pity is disgusting to me right now, yet my only foreseeable option is.......to feel what I'm feeling...and fearing. I don't....want to feel alone.
Greenduck, this is me facing and feeling consequences of my actions. And yeah, it hurts.
I've been afraid going forward, for LTU is allowing and encouraging major changes. On almost a daily basis, I've come home and had coffee right before starting loops. Self sabotage, almost daily. In fact, yesterday morning, while getting ready for work, I vocalized "my goal today is to love myself". I need that, plus I'd been discounting USLM4 in LTU, so I tried this. I may begin writing this down. A fear of change (emotional movement) has been attempting an emotional lockdown. I'd been focused on everyone else, avoiding myself, and a pain has stayed and increased. And minutes ago when imagining writing here, my mind came up with 2 quick ways to avoid being honest.
Most changes in me revolve around memories of my brother. The fear is that (in my mind) I won't NEED him. I did when I was younger; this was how we survived emotionally. It's creating discomfort at times in me at work, for how I relate is changing, working with all guys. Also, fears hide fear and pain from messages from my mom. I've felt more attractive around women, whether I know them or not, and my mind has thought of old messages, discouraging me. But feeling genuinely attractive is new to me.
This is UD working, for sitting here......... I'm afraid to grieve those losses. If I could ever trace any root of pain in my life, it leads to a great fear of feeling it all again. The fear says I'll stay in pain. That I'll be stuck there.
I don't want to be stuck in pain. I don't! (Tears came up just now, a release)
I needed to admit this. I want to love myself again. I haven't been. I even put on an additional loop while writing here. Self pity is disgusting to me right now, yet my only foreseeable option is.......to feel what I'm feeling...and fearing. I don't....want to feel alone.
Greenduck, this is me facing and feeling consequences of my actions. And yeah, it hurts.
I want to be FREE!
