03-09-2019, 11:34 AM
3 "firsts" happened today, coming from LTU.
I was driving to go do some errands this morning, but I'd put on E2, thinking it would help with some of the resistance to change I was feeling and fearing. This lasted no more than 10 minutes. I really love LTU's effects, I know it's probably---no, it was--sabotaging what LTU was doing (I could feel it), so I stopped E2 on my phone. I did this purposely, allowing myself to feel what I was afraid of. I also strongly suspected LTU's influence in my thinking would override my desire to run from fear, and it happened, within seconds after I stopped E2.
I've never stopped my own sabotaging efforts so easily before.
Which led me to my second 1st. I'd listened to LTU last night, but it got louder in my head as I got out of my cozy bedroom to do my errands. There was an old fear trying to make noise, trying to scare me back to my "normal" habits, but......it was noticeably weaker. So much so that I began crying. The first here was my tears were tears of joy. I've heard of them numerous times, but I'd never done that.
And lastly, on a practical level, I've begun making notes of things I need to do. I realize I've maintained a level of low self esteem by thinking something was important, thinking on it.......and consciously (and subconsciously) ignoring it.....forgetting it.....and by doing that, it maintained some level of regret and failure in my life.
I made a grocery list yesterday on my phone. I rarely make lists, but I was watching my budget.
I even made a note while out today to check on an account I've preparing to make a major withdrawal from. For years, I'd dismiss the key things which would make something successful, and thus, success has been missed (or avoided) time and time again, promoting feelings of helplessness and self pity. Again, this maintained feelings of failure and regret.
Which reminds me, I have to speak to my landlord about something. (Just made a note)
These are firsts for me. And it feels "easy".
I was driving to go do some errands this morning, but I'd put on E2, thinking it would help with some of the resistance to change I was feeling and fearing. This lasted no more than 10 minutes. I really love LTU's effects, I know it's probably---no, it was--sabotaging what LTU was doing (I could feel it), so I stopped E2 on my phone. I did this purposely, allowing myself to feel what I was afraid of. I also strongly suspected LTU's influence in my thinking would override my desire to run from fear, and it happened, within seconds after I stopped E2.
I've never stopped my own sabotaging efforts so easily before.
Which led me to my second 1st. I'd listened to LTU last night, but it got louder in my head as I got out of my cozy bedroom to do my errands. There was an old fear trying to make noise, trying to scare me back to my "normal" habits, but......it was noticeably weaker. So much so that I began crying. The first here was my tears were tears of joy. I've heard of them numerous times, but I'd never done that.
And lastly, on a practical level, I've begun making notes of things I need to do. I realize I've maintained a level of low self esteem by thinking something was important, thinking on it.......and consciously (and subconsciously) ignoring it.....forgetting it.....and by doing that, it maintained some level of regret and failure in my life.
I made a grocery list yesterday on my phone. I rarely make lists, but I was watching my budget.
I even made a note while out today to check on an account I've preparing to make a major withdrawal from. For years, I'd dismiss the key things which would make something successful, and thus, success has been missed (or avoided) time and time again, promoting feelings of helplessness and self pity. Again, this maintained feelings of failure and regret.
Which reminds me, I have to speak to my landlord about something. (Just made a note)
These are firsts for me. And it feels "easy".
I want to be FREE!
